It Was December

Yanking the duvet down from my face, I stretched the stiffness away from my forearms while rolling to the other side of my bed. The familiar shudders bloomed along the spine of my back as my flesh soaked up the coldness of the mattress - a coldness that soothed me, rather than biting through every inch of my bare skin. I awaited to embrace those fleeting streaks of the sun that would sneak through the translucent curtains and glisten across my face, nonetheless flinching when I felt none.

Rubbing the slumber away from those lids of mine, I took a furtive glance at the calendar that rested upon my bedside table - and this time the coldness failed to soothe me anymore, for it was the coldness of December. And there, I saw myself tumbling back to every lane of the past and reiterating every bit of its best and worst remnants through my opened eyes- a past, that had been kept shrouded and suppressed in the back of my mind since the last six years. After all, it was December, once again.

It was December, my love, when I felt those feet of mine wavering and wobbling with dread as I had stood rigid outside the rusted iron gates of my college that kept towering over the timid mind of mine and ceaselessly filling every nook of it with an unknown and everlasting trepidation. It was December when I had gripped the edge of my locker tight until my knuckles kept turning white, and constantly looking behind my shoulder with a certain fright of being in a new place immersed with a zillion of foreign faces when my eyes met that meandering gaze of yours. It was December when I halted in my steps and turned around upon hearing that voice of yours amid the crowd of adolescents rushing back and forth exorbitantly in the hallways. It was December when I caught that mild stutter as you uttered your name while I kept fiddling with the straps of my bag. It was December when you had put your hand forth for me to clasp it tentatively and step into one of those friendships that were supposed to mark the beginning of a life long romance along with a fantasized happily ever after.

It was December, my love, when I had come across that concealed self of mine that I never knew could have existed before - the self that began to hold confidence deep in its core after meeting you. It was when you and I had bunked those tedious and grueling lectures of ours and ran to the fast-flowing stream that was located a few miles from the college- the very stream where we used to sit on its barren banks and throw pebbles across its glimmering water while sharing truths and secrets of one another. It was December when we sat in the buzzing canteen and bursting into countless fits of laughter upon miserably failing to complete those assignments of ours before the deadline despite hours of steadfast engrossment. It was December when you taught me to ace those horrible history classes while I kept pulling you through the torturous semesters. It was December when you doubled over your stomach and chuckling way too loudly while I jumped out of happiness like a toddler whenever those paper planes of ours landed smoothly on the window sill adjacent to our bench. It was December when you and I had thrown our graduation caps and gowns up in the air with hand in hand while you held my gaze with something that seemed so immense and so profound that perhaps right then and there had overstepped the brinks of a friendship.

It was that month of December, where those late nights nonsensical blabbers of ours ended with us being asleep while devotedly clutching the phones in our fists. It was that month of December, where you had rung me in the early dawn and settling a nasty dread in the pits of my erratic heart - only to profess the love that you held for me in that heart of yours since the first time your eyes had drowned in those of mine in that somber yet jostling hallway of our college. It was that month of December, where you and I had momentarily parted our ways to establish ourselves on our own feet - only to seal the fates of ours subsequently with one another.

It was that month of December, where you and I had exchanged the irrevocable vows of an everlasting togetherness while you kept slipping that silver band in my finger. It was that month of December, where that friend of ours had at last transfigured into those newfound chapters of our lives that were supposed to be linked with the sheer bliss of love - a love, that you and I had believed to continue to exist without a cessation.

It was those mornings of December, that we had woken up to with bodies molded into one another and soul entwined for the rest of our lives. It was those very mornings, where I had always caught you placing a quick peck on my hair and sneaking out of the duvets to get me that perfect mug of coffee made by those seamless hands of yours. It was those afternoons of December, where you and I used to lean onto each other with giggles resounding around us and later wrapping us up in the bubble of a comforting silence while we swayed back and forth in the hammock of the front porch of the house that we once used to share. It was those late noons of December when you used to walk through the wooden doors that once held the plates of our names and rush towards me only to twirl me in those arms of yours after grueling hours away at work. It was those dusks of December when you used to enlace your hands with mine as we stared at the darkling hues of the sky while stealing glimpses of the love that laid undeniably patent in those orbs of ours. It was those evenings of December, when we used to sit on that black leathered recliner in the hall with me snuggled in your chest while your fingers kept running through the tresses of mine. It was those nights of December, where you and I used to slip under the comforters and binge on our favorite romcoms while snickers of mine and yours boomed across that room of ours. It was those dawns of December when those lips of yours melted onto mine as you held me tight somehow securing me from every odd of the life while every void of mine was filled in its entirety with that love of yours. It was those in numerous moments of December, that contained the countless memories that you and I had woven together while holding onto the abyss of love that we had believed to keep us wholly engulfed till we breathed our last.

And then it was once again that same month of the year when those silly bickers and banters of ours kept turning uglier rather than ending with us bursting into booming laughter in the embrace of each other. It was that same time of the year when those days of ours stopped ending with me being nestled against your arms while you lulled me into the alleys of a slumber that held a certain placidity and solace rather ended with a deafening silence that no longer comforted us but kept swallowing the two of us with rues and regrets. It was that same month of the year when those nights filled with echoing laughter of ours turned into ear-splitting shouts and shrieks that we kept hurling at one another persistently. It was that same month of the year when you had grabbed that photo frame from the table - the photo frame that held one of the blissful memory of ours, and threw it right across that face of mine while horror reigned every inch of my body. It was that same month of December when you rushed towards me with a grief-stricken face and apologizing for causing that long gash that kept bleeding its way all down the side of my forehead - the very forehead that you used to kiss gently every morning and every night. It was that same month of December when you iterated your deeds despite promising never to do it again while I kept becoming numb with every scar that you claimed to unintentionally inscribe in that flesh of mine. It was that very month of December when you kept rubbing slow circles on the back of my hands while hollow words of apologies and laments kept rumbling out of your mouth only to be forgotten the moment when you had swung that hand of yours across the face of mine that you claimed to adore for the rest of your life.

It was that same month of December when the love that kept us bound to one another became the excuse for the toxicity that kept devouring us wholly and irretrievably.

My love, it was those hours of December that had once given me the most precious memories of my life that were now like the sharp edges of dagger constantly bruising and battering the very being of mine. My love, it was those minutes of December that had given me a love for cherishing that I never knew wouldn't abide with me for a lifetime rather would render me with nothing but scars. My love, it were those seconds of December that had once bestowed its sheer bliss on me the instant I had crossed that path of yours - only for you to stain every moment of togetherness that we had amid us with the blisters of toxicity that you kept slamming not only at my body but also at that soul of mine - the soul with which I had once loved you, not only at your best but also at your worst.

Resting my head against the wooden and cold headboard of my bed, I closed my eyes as a curve seemed to triumphantly tug at the corners of my lips when I recalled that it was December - when my soul had fragmented brutally with an ache that pushed me to pave my way out of the pit of love that got replaced with a toxicity that I never knew would engulf us. I let out a sigh, not of heaviness but of relief when I recalled it was December - when my body had fallen apart, bellowing out loud with the burdensome reality of yours and mine that laid lucid in front of my bare eyes only to make my eyes open to see how every delusion of an abiding companionship was pulverized and to see past the hollow guilt and apologies that had replaced the sincerity that your love once held. I ran the tips of my fingers along the long sewn cut that still scarred my forehead when I recalled it was December - when my heart had exploded into pieces that I had never known before and bled with the shreds of the broken vows, the unrealized dreams and with the fragments of a love that couldn't salvage us from the impending and horrendous end of us.

I glanced at the calendar, holding it firmly between my hands as I stared at the name of the month etched boldly at the left corner of it when I recalled it was December - when I kept staring at my reflection that remained devoid of the familiar glint in those eyes of mine and the unceasing smile on my lips while the voice at the back of my mind kept urging me to put an end to what I reckoned to last forever. And that was when I walked those steps that led me away from you and from that love of yours that had become nothing less than a curse for my being. And that was when I burst the bubble with my own hands that deluded me into believing that a love which had been transfigured and built from a beautiful friendship was supposed to be a rare blessing in life. A bitter cry escaped from the cage of my parched lips as I realized that not everyone was blessed with the love that wouldn't end up with a bleeding heart, a shattered soul and a scarred body.

Placing the calendar back to the table, I wrapped the duvet around me while closing those eyes of mine that now throbbed from relentlessly playing through those bits of the past that this month always unraveled from the depths of my mind. And there I found myself silently bracing the coldness that December brought along with it and also the shivers that I could perceive to be erupting on the very flesh that was once adorned with that love of yours, only to be incessantly stabbed by the rancor that was also given by those very hands of yours. Nevertheless, it was December, the month that witnessed my world getting better only to be wrecked and crumbled into disastrous shards. It was December, the month that crushed me to the very core of my being only to emerge as much more stronger by embracing every strength and vulnerability of mine. After all, it was the month of December, that taught me to fall in love selflessly only to be left incapacitated to love anyone anymore without putting myself first and foremost.