Forever And After

They sat next to each other holding hands. “Zaahir, I think it’s time that we told our parents,” said Radhika, “I know that it will be difficult but we knew what we were getting into the day we committed to each other.” Zaahir looked at her and caressed her face, “You’re right,” he said, “I have been thinking about this for a while and I don’t want them to come to know from somebody else. Don’t worry, I will talk to Ammi tonight.” Radhika smiled and replied, “I too will talk to my father about this.” They sat next to each other, hand in hand, his arm around her shoulder, as they enjoyed the sunset. Radhika and Zaahir had been in a relationship for the last 5 years. They had known at the beginning itself that the road ahead was going to be difficult.

“Ammi, I have to talk to you,” said Zaahir, once he reached home that night. “Yes dear, what’s bothering you?” said Zaahir’s mother. “Ammi, I have become 27 years old now. I think that it’s time for me to set up my own life and house.” “I’m glad that you are thinking about all of this,” said his Ammi with a smile on her face, “I was waiting for the right time to tell you, but now that you have brought up this topic, I must tell you. Your Mama has been looking for girls for your marriage and in fact, next week we are going to see one of them.” “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” said Zaahir. He took a deep breath and said, “Ammi I’m in love with a girl and I want to get married to her.” She sat in shock for about 5 seconds, trying to take in, what was for her, an outrageous comment. “What did you just say,” she said in anger, “Is this what we have taught you?! Your father and I have sacrificed so much into your upbringing, and this is what you do?! Run around behind our backs with a girl!” “Ammi, calm down,” begged Zaahir, “Listen to me at least. She is a wonderful girl Ammi. At least meet her once.” She waited for a while and then said, “Go bring me a glass of water.” As Zaahir rushed to the kitchen she thought to herself, ‘Oh dear, what a mess has Zaahir gotten himself into?! He’s still young, he doesn’t understand all of this. But I will have to listen to him so that he thinks that I am being fair, even if I have no intention of giving in to his pleas.’ Just then Zaahir entered the room with a glass of water. His Ammi sipped the water silently as she thought of how to tackle this situation. Meanwhile, Zaahir was regretting talking to this mother. He never should have brought up this topic. Had he really expected his strict religious mother to happily agree to this marriage? The atmosphere in the room was tense. “Ok Zaahir,” said his Ammi unexpectedly, “I am willing to give this girl a chance. But first, you have to tell me all about her and this relationship.” Zaahir looked up with a huge smile on his face. He hadn’t expected his mother to agree so readily. “Now now Zaahir,” his mother said warningly, “I have only agreed to talk about it which does not mean that I am ready for this marriage.” Zaahir said, “Ammi, thank you for giving us a chance. Me and Radhika have been in a relationship for……” However, his Ammi, didn’t even allow him to complete his sentence and launched into another angry outburst, “Radhika?! Are you telling me that this girl is…..is of another religion?! Enough is enough. I will have no more of this nonsensical fooling around under my roof. Go to your room right away! And dare you speak to her or have any contact with her hereafter. I absolutely forbid it!” Zaahir left the room feeling extremely downcast and upset. He was not at all happy with the way things had turned out. For a moment, when his mother had agreed to give him a chance, his hopes had risen once again, but all in vain. How was he going to tell Radhika all what had happened? And what had happened at her house, when she had given her parents this news? No matter what Ammi said, he had to meet her and talk to her. With these unsettling thoughts in his head, he drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

Meanwhile, at Radhika’s house a similar turn of events had occurred. At first, her parents had been receptive to the idea of a love marriage, as they too had had been in relationship for 2 years before they got married, but as soon as they heard that Zaahir was not belonging to the same religion, they were outraged and offended at the idea of an inter-caste relationship and marriage. They too, forbade her from seeing Zaahir anymore, except for one last time, where she was expected to meet him and finish everything that they had. A decision was made to look for boys of a marriageable age for Radhika and to have her wedding fixed as soon as possible. With a lot of tears and protests, Radhika too had gone off to bed in an unhappy state of mind.

*

“What are we going to do now?” sobbed Radhika, as she buried her face into Zaahir’s arm, “There’s no way that my parents are agreeing to this. They want to get me married as soon as possible.” Zaahir reassured her, “Don’t worry Radhika, everything will be fine. We had never expected our parents to agree in the first talk itself. We will have to convince them and prove that we haven’t made a wrong decision.” “But my parents have forbidden me from seeing you and so has your Ammi. I was supposed to meet you and finish everything that we had today,” said Radhika. “I know that, but we will figure out a way around this, there is no other way that this is happening. I can’t lose you Radhika. If that happens, I won’t be able to put myself back together,” said Zaahir firmly. Radhika squeezed her eyes shut as more tears rolled down her cheeks. They both sat in silence for a couple of minutes, unsure of the future and what it would bring for them. And for the first time, both of them imagined a life without the other, but the thought was intolerable. All the love and happiness that they had shared in the last five years would not be comparable to any other. At that moment they were so close, but so far apart in thoughts. Radhika had made up her mind the earlier night itself. She did not want to go through last night’s ordeal again. After she had gone to bed, she could still hear her parents talking in hushed tones. She knew what they were thinking. They were utterly disappointed with her, and had never imagined a situation like this would ever arise. Radhika had always done what her parents wanted. To her they were the most important people in her life, even before Zaahir, but for Zaahir, Radhika was everything. He could not imagine a life without her. His father had passed away when he was still a child, and his mother had seemed broken and distant ever since. Being the eldest, Zaahir had taken care of a family of four, including his mother and his two younger sisters, and could never forgive his mother for the way she had isolated and deserted herself, while she left her three young children to look after themselves.

Finally, Radhika whispered between her sobs, “I don’t think that I can do this anymore.” Zaahir stammered, “What do you mean Radhika?” “I mean that I can’t do this anymore,” said Radhika dejectedly. “What do you mean by ‘this’?” asked Zaahir, silently. Radhika didn’t say anything as tears continued to trickle down her face. “Radhika, I asked you something,” said Zaahir, his tone dead serious. “I mean ‘this’,” Radhika said, pointing to the two of them, her tone rising slowly, “I can’t handle this relationship anymore Zaahir, it is hurting and angering my parents.” Zaahir was now scared, “No Radhika, all your life you have done everything that your parents wanted! Can’t they give you this one happiness that you want?” “It’s not that easy Zaahir,” cried out Radhika, “Please try to understand!” Zaahir urged, “No Radhika, you try and understand. You mean everything to me. I don’t have anything worthy in my life if I lose you. You have been my happiness and joy for the last 5 years.” Radhika didn’t say anything. She just rested her head on the table and cried silently. “Please don’t tell me that you are ending this after just one attempt,” whispered Zaahir. Radhika looked up at Zaahir. His face was tearing up too. She couldn’t bear to look at him a second longer. This sadness had been brought upon him by her, she thought to herself. But she had to be strong, one last time. She held his face in is hands, looked into his eyes, and said with her voice cracking, “I love you Zaahir, and doing this is breaking me as much as it is hurting you. I am really sorry, but I am going to have to prioritize my parents.” Zaahir looked away from her, not able to contain his tears anymore, as she got up and left the cafe.

The next few days were the worst. Zaahir was unable to believe that Radhika had given up on them so easily. He was still in denial of the fact that they were over. Slowly his denial changed to anger. He was angry at Radhika for leaving him. She had known how much this relationship meant to him, how much she meant to him. Even then she had prioritized her parents?! How selfish could one person be?! These thoughts floated around in Zaahir’s head the entire day and the entire night and he felt a sense of betrayal. Hadn’t they agreed to be with each other at all time and no matter what happened? That’s all he was able to think about. Radhika. On the other hand, Radhika calmed herself over the next few days. But those moments when she was reminded of her loss were unbearable. Once the first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream and soon she would bend forward where she sat on the floor and pressing her palms to the mat, she would begin to cry with the force of a person vomiting on all fours. At times her parents would walk in during one of these phases and for them it was painful to see her like this. All her father could do was embrace her and let the torrents of her tears soak through his shirt. He could hear her silently screaming, suffocating with each breath she took. He ran his fingers through her hair, time and time again in an attempt to calm the silent war within her mind.

Her parents decided that they had to stop these outbursts, where the sadness engulfed her to a point where she lost all sense of her surroundings, and that was by getting her married. Soon the date was fixed and the preparations began. When this news reached Zaahir’s ears, he ran all the way home and locked himself inside his room. He sat down on his bed trying to catch his breath. Since that day in the cafe, he had always known that this moment would arise. Even then, no matter how much he had tried to prepare himself, when the event was actually around the corner, he could not believe that this was happening. All his hopes and his dreams had been crushed. Those beautiful hours that he and Radhika had spent together thinking about their future were a waste. He clenched his fists, not knowing whether to be mad or to give up hope all together. He vaulted onto his bed, the pillow hugging his face and accepting the torment. His infinitive tears, followed one another, creating a huge damp spot on his bed. His lungs rummaged for oxygen and his sobbing had the same force of someone drowning. The insides of his stomach hurt, his eyes burnt and his mind created memories and scenarios that made the tears continue.

*

At last, the day arrived. Radhika sat in her room as her sisters and friends helped her to get dressed. The lengha was stunning, and Radhika was the most beautiful bride. Her sisters and friends watched her in awe, as she got up and looked at herself in the mirror, each of them with thoughts and wishes about looking this beautiful on their own weddings. Suddenly one of Radhika’s nieces came into the room and said, “Massi, someone has come to meet you.” “Who is it?” asked Radhika. “Someone called Zaahir,” replied her niece as she left the room. Radhika was astonished and scared. She hoped that Zaahir wouldn’t create a scene on the day of her marriage. She didn’t how to react when she saw him, it had been a month since the day in the cafe. She slowly went down the staircase to the entrance of their house, preparing her mind on what to say when she finally saw him. However, it was a waste. The minute she saw him, she completely blanked out. All the memories and the moments that they had cherished together flooded her mind and it was all she could to not break down again. When Zaahir saw her, for the first time in a month, he was astounded. Radhika was stunning and absolutely gorgeous. A light seemed to radiate from around her. He looked at her wistfully. He had imagined her in bridal wear before, but hadn’t thought that she would be dressed like this for someone else to marry her. He blinked back the tears as he moved towards her and as he held her hand he said, “I just wanted to meet you once before you got married. I am not here to create problems.” All Radhika could do was nod her head, gesturing for him to go on. He took out a piece of paper from his pocket, his hands shaking. “I have something I want to give to you,” Zaahir said, his voice trembling. As he stretched out his hand to give the paper to her, she held his hand and said, “Why don’t you read it out?” “Okay,” said Zaahir as he took a deep breath. He went on to read, “Dear Radhika, we have been in a relationship for 5 years, and thanks to you, those were the best 5 years of my life. Being around you, I felt like I could be myself. Away from the prying eyes of the society. You never judged me Radhika, but always stood by me, no matter what. I thought that we would last, forever. But unfortunately, I have to see the day when you are going to become someone else’s wife. I hope that Akshay will always keep you happy and that you will love him more than how much you loved me, if that’s possible, because I feel like nobody can take your place in my heart. You will always be a special part of me and my life and I will never be able to forget you and the days that we spent together. Your loss has torn me apart, more than you could ever imagine and it has taken me my greatest strength to come here and face you on your wedding day. Radhika, I’m sorry that things didn’t work out between us but I want you to remember that no matter what happens, and where you are in your life, whatever problem arises, there is one person out here who loves you and cares for you and will always be there for you. Congratulations on your marriage. I hope you have a happy married life. Yours lovingly, Zaahir.”

As soon as he finished reading the letter, Radhika hugged him and cried like she had never cried before. Zaahir too, took her in his arms, and allowed his tears to flow. They slowly sank to the ground and just sat there with each other, crying and laughing, as they remembered their golden days, recounting their beautiful memories. Alas, the time came, where Zaahir had to say what he had been dreading this entire time. “Radhika, I think its time for me to leave. I don’t think that your parents will be happy seeing me here.” Radhika let out a sigh as she wiped away her tears and said, “Yeah, you’re right. I guess this is it.” “This is it,” replied Zaahir, “Goodbye Radhika, I hope we meet again.” “Goodbye,” she said, as she thought to herself how differently things had turned out than she had thought they would. She stood there for a while and watched him walk away, until she finally went back to her room. She didn’t think about him again until that night, when she sat in her wedding car with the her husband, Akshay. Yes she did cry a little again, but as the car started, she locked away Zaahir into the deepest corner of her heart and promised herself to never forget him.