"Halfway Elderly Bargain"

Unnamed irenic,
Won't let me soften that distorted culture,
Sharing a piece of saudade blunder;
Longings sworn, condemned inane...

Cuz I never killed to be crimed;
Locked in doubts, too good to be true,
Ungrown soul trapped in a half-way elderly bargain,
Reflecting if somebody would still stay by my side?

I wonder if I'll ever,
Want to wake up and rule the world or just feel
 Myself?
Want to perform responsibilities or just be happy?
Want to play roles and duties or just be that innocent little creature?

I'm thinking in lives,
Dumb-called, but they never grasped my blood, sweat, tears;
Shattered beneath the striking starlight, I stand with burning hands;
Are these just catastrophizing in my head?
But their actions judge harder...

Hidden for long,
Climbing broken stairs,
A suffering lives upheld,
Closer and closer, a slow-death;
One will know, other will never,
Skin touching scars and labouring ablazed screams;
Guess it's just catastrophizing in my head,
But their actions judge harder and harder...