Confessions Of An 18 -Year-Old Girl Or Woman?

My story is not exactly a story that aims to spread out any message but tries to express and make the readers understand how does an 18-year-old girl like me feels like. 

I have become a young adult but honestly, just can't stop myself to be a 'fan girl'. 

It is my view-point on the modern society today and daily happenings in my life. 

My name is Tamanna Srikant Mohanty. I am an 18- year-old girl.

I turned 18, six months ago. It is pretty exciting, right? You have finally earned your freedom to make independent decisions whether to study abroad or go clubbing at night with friends. No one can stop the budding adult.

I was excited as an over-enthusiastic kid who for the first time is celebrating her birthday and for me, 18 is a threshold to adulthood.

 

 

I harboured this dream about being an adult who is financially independent and who is only answerable to herself.

I should perhaps think about having boyfriends, making-out with a complete stranger in a buzzing bar and having booze all night. It's awesome!!!

I have had such thoughts and I felt pretty dizzy thinking about it. I don't drink or smoke at all in my real life.

I am fiercely reserved in public and enjoy private human interactions and only unleash my expressive self in writing.

I don't have any genuine friends because I am arrogant, stubborn and private. This is my self-analysis of my life. My parents disapprove of partying. My parent's ideology is that friendship should be based on trust and intellectual growth not being a matchmaker to each other or covering up each other's mistakes. Intellectual growth??? Who thinks so deep as pristine water in a well these days? You have many kinds of friends from 4-am friends to Facebook friends and no one has time to be interested in such superfluous discussions. 

I think I have the full authority to become the queen of my life and do what I want. Instead of cracking my head on studying, I could pursue my interests like origami and short stories. I would like to go out and explore this world and be rich but then a reality hits back at me and sarcastically adds: 'Hey, who do you think you are? A Queen? Nothing comes free except for smiles, dreams, and death. You need to work day and night to achieve your dreams. Don't grow idle.'

Life is becoming thrice as difficult to live today. My friends are doing great work in their chosen field like our Olympic champion, Simone Biles and much more. It is just overwhelming and the only one who wins are the ones with something special or have a honed-skill since childhood.

I have realized that talent comes from daily practice not the conventional burning oil lamps throughout the odd hours. This trend has gone old and doesn't work anymore. You need to work every day be it for mere 40 minutes or 10 hours, just work because Rome wasn't constructed in a day.

 

I am an eternal optimist who loves Mills and Boons romance, always looking for my prince charming. The irony is I always find it in some douche-bags if it isn't offensive to your eyes. We all have had some attraction towards these boys only to be rejected, dejected and blamed by them. I share my sympathy with the girls who have faced similar situations like me. You won't believe I have had around six crushes since 6th grade. Three of them were five years older to me and three of them were a year younger to me. I think I am going to score a hat trick if I go on this desperate and self-destructive love journey.

I still remember and continue taking these stupid quizzes like 'What type of boy are you attracted to?' 'Who will you marry?' 'Does he like you back?' 'What type of sexy you are?' etc. I also surfed online how to attract the opposite sex. Instead of doing my heap of interesting projects. For what?

What will I get from being a guy magnet? Is it worth it? No! Hell no.

I have decided not to surf on the Internet for such cheesy stuff from now on.

I will focus on my studies and career. I have made a pact with myself that I will live for myself and love myself to such an extent that I don't need anyone to fulfil my loneliness. I will not let any criticism or false accusation hamper my faith in me, as I know such things are there to help you to become a better person not to mar your confidence. Be so strong, no one can break you apart.

 

I may sound like a narcissist but I am the best person on earth and everyone loves me even though I know it is not the truth. This is a philosophy, which I am going to follow in my life from now on.

I have taken decisions like obsessively crushing on men or boys instead of using my brains on doing something constructive and kind of proud about it rather than regretting it. These decisions have helped me shape up a certain course in my life and made me believe in unpredictability. I am a believer of fate but with a belief that strong intent can shake your entire destiny.

I have started writing blogs so that I can slowly start becoming financially independent and truly learn the value of money our parents always stresses on.

I have high aspirations like every teen but believe that growing is a part of life and not becoming smaller.

 

My life goes on in a full swing where for the first time I realize that I have truly moved on from my desperate and self-destructive journey.

I have mentioned that I have been casting my 'pearls before Swine' throughout my romantic life. They don't deserve me. That's true! I was discussing this with my friend about moving on with a new hot guy she has on her mind for me today loudly in a silent library.

I also discussed various men and rated them on their hotness like uncultured boys do it for women and girls. I think I was on the verge of perverseness as I literally passed a thesis on Indian Porn ban and how it will lighten my dull life.

This made one of my guy classmate cringe and he called me a CREEP. I was pretty down, as my past romantic endeavour seems to haunt me these days.

It is pretty disgusting when your crush starts liking you but you want to move ahead but can't because your friends instead of being an advisor act as a seasoned hooker for you. The moment they see a guy, my friend starts cracking her stupid jokes on my romantic life or my crush, my classmates start weaving up some really wishy-washy love stories. It is absolutely pathetic as some of my classmate's faces. I am sorry. I am not being shallow but this is not a Shahrukh Khan's movie where a boy and girl meet and one of them dies and there you see an eternal love. WTF. I have no interest in such stories though I like Shahrukh Khan. His transition from being a cute boy to hot and intimidating man is awesome. I have observed that he has become hot, hotter and HOTTEST!

He is my father's age. Can you believe that? I am anti-pedophile by the way.

Back to my life, I still adore my crush as his name and face involuntarily brings out a big smile on my face. He isn't cute or handsome in any conventional, international and national sexy quotient. Love is blind, deaf and dumb where people either do something productive or destructive to themselves. I don't know how did I fall so hard for this fat oaf. He is one year younger to me. Oh, I take my statement back. Maybe, I’m attracted to macho men not the poetic gentlemen; those who have the beard and intimidating personality. He gives that intense vibes that make me quite turned on but as usual, all my crushes have no interest or have resented me.

I am ugly: bug's bunny teeth, some acne spurting on my face and body and with nerdy glasses. It is me. No boy ever looks or checks me out like they do it for my friends. It is sad but I have learned to move on in life and to be a celibate forever. There is nothing cool about getting married and having kids anymore as I used to feel. I think being a spinster is the new cool for me and I am going to focus on my life.

I am going to be an atheist as I have no interest in following any religion. I will worship fruits than those mind-boggling Indian Gods and Goddesses, as anything can be a god if you have faith in it.

I will prefer to play the cool 'Kalachasma' than those depressing 'Jay Ganesh Deva', my god! God wants entertainment, not those depressing aarti songs that make your eardrums go bonkers. 'Bhagwans just wanna have fun'.

I am not going to do any Karwa Chauth fast because I will eat my husband up for dinner after I pray for his wellbeing. I will be that hungry. I am not going to marry so my aspiring husband is saved from my hands.

I will never date or hook up with anyone as I have sworn myself a celibate life and with this attitude, thank god, I will never be asked out and I should look the same as an ugly nerd to make life easy.

It is something, which I can sincerely follow-up than being stuck in a rut named relationship and religion. Virginity is the new cool.

My classmates being an overenthusiastic love geeks have started inventing ridiculous love stories and my crush's friends have started pairing me with him and striking some 'romantic poses (weird, I mean).

I am over him. I don't want him anymore. I am a lazy bum so don't expect me to be so cool about relationships. My past experience has made me discover a new theory along with my genius gossip friend: 'A crush a day keeps love away'.

There should be something called love science for people like me and I would have done P.H.D. by then at age of 18.

Jokes apart, I have to focus on my essays and mend my miserable life. I am feeling sleepy. It is my monotonous life.

 

My internet is not working which is quite sad so even if I wanted to work on my essays. I can't. I feel pretty awesome talking to wonderful people like Anaya is into writing stories that are quite hard-hitting in my opinion. She is my writing inspiration because of the way she talks about books and movies motivates me to do something creative every day. I made some really non-sense stuff from a plastic bottle making a mini-version of it. Nothing great. You need to take everything slowly and steadily as nothing comes easy in life. I feel they are certain people who believe that 'Time is too short' but to me, it is pretty opposite as you have 1440 minutes in a day so if you use every minute productively then you technically have a lot of time in this world.

I abhor people who regret and fret over petty issues and this really cringes me. I am pretty cool as long as people don't interfere or try implementing changes in my lifestyle or work pattern because I change when I want to change. I am not someone's puppet or BAE to be subjected to people's likes and dislikes. This is not being proud but just being an independent individual.

It is not that I am an inflexible person who is selfish but on the contrary, considering the circumstances and people, I am more willing and accepting of changes in a team. It is without getting influenced by people's opinion though I do often get influenced, but I always think about other possibilities as well.

My parents are always questioning me about my tests and me being Tamanna. I just ignore it blissfully. I don't care about my tests any longer as I use to in junior years. My family wants to exercise some control over me about my studies, projects, and personal life. I know it is important to be transparent but there are certain things which parents may not understand your issues due to the generation gap.

I had once confessed about my crushes and instead of consoling me they started shouting, hovering and interrogating me as if I had committed some heinous crime. I wish my parents especially my mother would have been more sympathetic or understanding toward me. I have lost hopes on them already and once, I get into a decent university ; I am planning not to have any close contact with my family or 'friends' in India anymore.

I still remember my parents taking away my personal diary where I had written everything that comes to my mind. It was pretty refreshing but it contained many obscene words and stuff about them and other people. It was a big blow to their ego as they had this impression of me as a 'good girl'.

I just wrote it for myself not for others and anyways, it wasn't going to be published or anything. Why do people take my right to express my feelings? I understand I may have injured some people's sentiments but what about me?

My parents mock me when I cry on sudden occasions instead of consoling me. They want me to be emotionally strong so I have become so emotionally independent that I no longer miss them whenever I stay away from them. They accuse me that 'I have no feelings for them but I have it for other people.' It's true but have they ever tried asking me why was I like that. I think they are pretty busy with their own familial roles so no time for me.

I have decided not to rely on anyone for any support as in the end, it is your life and the others are just spectators like in the movie, one who sympathizes and the other who antagonize others. Ironically, it ultimately depends on their views on your character or movie. 

 

 

Hi, I am in my English class. At this moment, my classmates are presenting their analyzed political speech or campaign. I did the analysis of Hillary Clinton's advertisement –'Role Models'. It went OK because my presentation was incoherent though the analysis was good. I should have perhaps practice my presentation beforehand and be more creative as it was pointed out.

English is one of my favorite subjects as it helps me pen down my imagination on paper and make me escape from reality. I use to be a voracious reader in my pre-teen, as I had no social circle to mingle with. Adults and children grossly misunderstood me as I use to act 'weirdly' and 'had a penchant for breaking rules'. I never liked to be with people because they use to intrude my space and since my parents put me in a hostel: to make me independent, I did not like them calling me every time or visiting me. My plain logic was and is that if you have left me in an unknown place, you should not fake any concern about my well-being. I will speak plainly that I don't want to talk to them at all.

However, the campus was beautiful as it had a rare natural environments that can soothe any ailing heart in no time. I enjoyed roaming around rather than attend classes. I use to be an attention seeker as attention showed that people use to care and have affection for me, something I never got. Therefore, I use to bring in books every time. People use to call me 'show off'. When I introspected, I made a serious fool out of myself.

Now when people have started giving me unwanted attention, it makes me cringe inwardly so to avoid unwanted showdown; I started withdrawing myself from places where you need to socialize. It would have been better if it was some few years ago than today. My erratic behaviour sprung up from the fact that I did not love myself. Loving yourself is not being a narcissist but your ability to accept your shortcomings. No normal individual can love himself or herself a lot so there is surplus love, the love that can easily be distributed to everyone without any condition.

Maybe this proverb does make sense-'If you love yourself, others will love you.'

It is an amazing feeling and one should try it out.