And That's What I Have To Say...

And that’s what I have to say......

And that’s what I have to say... But who cares, who is bothered to even pay a bit of attention to what I feel, what I say and what I need. Basically, every day, there’s just this same feeling that I am just so alone in this entire world. I do have a family, my parents, and my sister, Olivia, who is about to get 19 this year, and who is the so-called ‘Sweetheart and the darling of the entire family ‘, she receives all the attention, all that she wants just reach her the next moment she asks for it. Daddy and momsie are just always so – ready to bring to her whatever she wants. But for me, it’s all just the opposite. Sometimes, lying on my bed at night, I think as if I am their adopted child. Ohh, God, that’s just all so difficult, I can’t take it any more now. I as well, am an independent person, who has her own identity; I can’t just always follow their instructions like a robot. I have my independent thoughts and opinions and I must get the full freedom to express them and work according to my own sweet will, not subject to the strict instructions given by someone, which I am just asked to follow blindly every day. I am never allowed to listen to music or watch movies for long hours at night coz it might distract me from my studies, as mum says. I should be in bed maximum by 10, otherwise, I am supposed to get some sort of punishment the next day, but fortunately, I have never had such a situation and I am supposed to get back home maximum by 6.30 in the evening, not later than that, and then a continuous study, assignments and all that, never allowed to hang out with friends late night coz mom and dad think that I am just 14 and so, it’s not safe for me to engage myself in all this stuff and I am just supposed to focus on my studies. On the contrary, Olivia is allowed to hang out with her friends and for her, the maximum time to reach back home is 8.30, wow, just amazing, and I am always said that I too would be allowed all this once I am 18+. 4 years more, it’s just gonna be so difficult and I am not going to bear it any more. I have my own thoughts, and since now I am a teenager, I have my own emotions attached to each particular event or person, I have my own perceptions and I need someone with whom I can just share these, express my feelings and ask for advice in case I face some challenges. Dad is just so busy in his daily job routines, that he can barely spare enough time to have his meals, and mom, she’s just so busy in the morning having meetings with her clients, and in the evening, she spends all-time writing blogs or reading novels, the so-called boring novels, which she finds just so interesting and so amazing and even persuades me to read them in my free time. But now I have decided that I am going to express my opinions and my feelings to someone, someone so special that she is never going to judge me or form any kind of opinions about my personality, she is just going to accept me as I am and hear all my perceptions and thoughts patiently and hold them in heart forever and ever. She is going to be someone with whom I would share even the deepest feelings of my heart without any fear of judgement and she’s going to help me get that burden off my chest. She is my diary, the special diary I had received on my 13th birthday, which was my first teen year, along with a pack of 10 cupcakes of the extremely unique flavour, out of which I had to share 5 with Olivia and she took the best five out of them, again a depressing moment for me.

1 August 2018

9.30 PM

Dear Diary

Today is a really special day for me since today I have just found someone with whom I can share all my feelings and all my thoughts, without any stress and that’s you !! So, today had been a normal day at school. I sat with Amelia, who is, as perceived by my classmates, my best friend. But for me she isn’t my best true friend, she’s just a friend. We had a chit-chat about a new student in our class and some talks about the games Amelia and some other friends of mine played after I had left at 6.15 to be at home by 6.30, as per the so-called ‘RULES’.Hhhhh. The first three periods were just so banal that I nearly slept in the midst of them and was woken up by Amelia, who studied them with just so great interest. And then we had the German class, my favourite one, and I participated with great zeal, as always. Then the break and Mathematics, Geography, Economics and all this.....I reached back home by 2.30 pm and then the same routine, mom asked me and Olivia about my school day and her college day, and what all we did with friends and all. I can’t really understand why is she always so interested in knowing about our daily routine as though she is going to write a blog about our school routines. Mom is really difficult to be understood, so very difficult. And I could complete my Geography assignment today in time and submit it to the teacher, who was really glad at my timely submission, which was for the first time ever in my school life. And that’s all for the day, now I am going to bed otherwise if mom spots me, then a new punishment shall await my presence the next day.

2 August 2018

9.30 PM

Dear Diary

Heyy !! I am back today with some more experiences to share with you. Today I had a quarrel with Amelia over a silly topic and later on did I realised that it was my mistake only and I had misread it from some sources. I just said ‘Sorry’ to her over a phone call on the eve and that day none of us went for playing as well. I sat with Emma that day at school and she’s a nice friend of mine as well. Since I had a quarrel with Amelia at school, I was in a frustrated mood when I returned back home from school and I talked rudely with Olivia today seeing that mom scolded me and isn’t talking to me now. Now again Dad would convince me somehow to say ‘sorry’ to mum and Olivia for my rude behaviour and I know that people don’t care for me. It has all just become so regular for me that now it’s become a part of my life... Still, a great thanks to you that you’re listening so patiently to me and to my opinions, without any judgements. Now just going to bed and will get ready for another boring day !!

Days passed and I kept on writing down my emotions and my feelings in my dearest diary and she just kept listening to them for days and days long. Today, when I sat down to write the experiences of the day, I realized that my diary was just about to get completely filled and I had never ever tried to give some time to re-read it or to review what all have I written down. So, I decided that today I wasn’t going to write anything since today was no different from my routine days, and so I thought of giving some time to read it. I lay down on my bed and it was 9.30, I had 30 minutes to just go through it and I thought it would be quite enough. One thing I have very well noticed is that every single day, we teenagers, tend to get a bit more mature, we begin to consider every single event and study it with maturity, and this maturity comes not in just a day or two, it takes months and years to grow completely mature enough to understand every aspect of any situation. Well, I just started reading my diary and as I was going through it, I thought that in a few of my experiences I had used very rude and disrespectful words to describe Olivia or mum, maybe because I had been angry at them that particular day. But while I used to write, little did I realize that I was being too disrespectful towards them. Although I don’t have much love or affection for mum and Olivia left in my heart, this thought was still pinching me a lot and I started to disagree with some of my own perceptions that I might have had a few weeks ago. Well, that’s the gift of teenage, the speciality of these crucial years. We often tend to look at events in a more mature way and realize that what I used to think about this particular person or the opinions I had formed about this topic a few days ago, were just so wrong, maybe were quite disrespectful, and that’s how we tend to grow mature during these years, it’s just a gradual process, however, is quite exciting!! And as soon as I realized that it was 10.05 pm, I just went to sleep and kept my diary in the drawer of the side table.

The next morning, as happens usually, I had set an alarm for 6 am, however, I was in such a deep sleep that mum had to come and wake me up. Well, that’s a part of my routine and Olivia often mocks me calling me ‘unorganized and lazy’ and every morning mum has to come to wake me up. But this morning, when I was asking for 5 more minutes of sleep, with half my eyes open, I could figure out mum sitting on the corner of my bed and having something in her hand, something like a book, reading it intently. I tried with great struggle to bring my mind out of those dreams of my being a student at Hogwarts, enjoying with Hermione and Ginny ( well, that’s the same dream I have each day, I just start imagining myself to be a character in the Harry Potter series and start forming stories of my own. This dream is always brought to an end at the same moment as the Yule Ball and I can’t ever dream beyond that!!). Soon I realized that mum had my diary in her hand and was reading it since last night I had kept it in the drawer of the side table, whereas usually, I keep the diary inside my cupboard so mum doesn’t usually find it. But today she found it and was reading it. Just as I brought my hand forward to take my diary back from her, I noticed that tears welled from deep inside and coursed down her cheeks. I had never seen mum so crestfallen ever before and couldn’t really make out how should I react. Just a second later, she just turned around to have a glance at me and then continued reading. I was in a state of dilemma as I couldn’t make out what was happening. Mum, her eyes filled with tears, turned around to me and said ‘You think this about us, sweetie! I never knew you thought so about us all.’ She took a pause and my mind too stopped working. It was the first time she was talking to me so closely, so nicely and for the first time did she ever call me ‘sweetie’. Mum said, “Now I think it’s the right time to tell you why we have been always putting up so many restrictions on you. Well, now you just listen to what I say, intently.” I had a thunderstorm of questions rising within me after this. She went on, “When you had been just 10 and Olivia was 14 at that time, something happened with her which has often compelled us to be more careful during your teen years. Well, while Olivia was in her teen years, we were not much worried about her and never much discussed with her some kind of teenage issues she might be facing in school or with friends or anything like that coz we always thought that she was confident enough that she would express herself completely to us. Little did we realize that at this age the child is burdened by a lot of pressures and so doesn’t feel free enough to talk to his parents about every particular thing. After a few days, I and daddy observed a kind of transition in her behaviour. She started talking less to us, started eating less and didn’t talk much to her friends and all this continued for nearly a week, after which I asked Sophia, her friend if something had happened at school or not. It was then that we came to know that your sister was going through some common problems of her teen years, depression and peer pressure. Sophia told me that a few days back there had been a scene in their class, wherein some boys were passing on some chits in the classroom and on reading those chits, all the students began looking at Olivia with a totally transformed look, which made her feel really embarrassed and she couldn’t take it all anymore when she was told by someone that those boys had been passing on chits in the classroom about Olivia having an affair with James, a teenage boy of 16, from their school. However, that was all just a rumour, Olivia had herself told me someday that she had met a new boy in their school, James and he was a nice boy who had helped her reach back home someday. But these rumours soon spread in the entire school; even her teachers came to know all about it and Olivia had started becoming truly depressed by all this embarrassment that she had to face each day at school. After I and daddy came to know about all this from Sophia, we couldn’t really make out how should we discuss it all with her, about her teenage issues and the problems she was facing at school. Daddy and I tried his best to make her realize that the fault wasn’t at all hers and she shouldn’t ever have that kind of embarrassment within her. It’s just this age in which children tend to have such issues in their school life and college life and she needs to be strong to face them all with full confidence and stay firm at her stand. She shouldn’t ever get pressurized by these happenings and must always make an effort to share them with someone she trusts and someone who she thinks can guide her regarding these. If she knows that she isn’t at fault then should always try to keep calm and face all of it boldly. And even if she is at fault, she should always try to share it with us as we are always going to stand by her side and will always be there to support her.” I had tears in my eyes. Olivia had never told me about this and I had always been so rude to her never knowing that she had gone through such difficult phases of her teen years. Mum continued, “Olivia could then gather up the courage to go to her school, and face all of it boldly, even the situation when some boys mockingly called her ‘Javia’.” Mum said, “That’s why we are always so worried about you dear, during your teen years and I and dad try to keep you away from any such threats that may bring you into such a situation, and that is the reason I always ask you about what all did you do at school and with friends. But I never knew that you were so depressed and gloomy and so upset with our behaviour. I am really sorry sweetie from all of us, me, daddy and Olivia. I am sorry we were not giving you enough time, not spending quality time with you, discussing with you various teenage problems you might face in your school life and college life. Sorry for being so strict with you and restricting your freedoms to enjoy your teen years.” This was the first time I had felt so emotional talking to mum and I couldn’t stop my tears and just couldn’t help it, so I just gave her a big hug, a really long one this time, both of us so emotional and it was the first time I could really feel that strong bond between both of us, that connected both of us together, that bond of love which had been just hidden for so long, beneath that layer of anger that caked my heart for so long years, I just couldn’t make an effort to understand the concern of mum and dad that had been hidden behind all those scoldings and restrictions. I just always considered them to be so wrong and had never even tried to revive the bond of love and friendship with Olivia. I just went to Olivia’s room and gave her as well a cute sweet hug and daddy came in seeing me running with tears in my eyes and I couldn’t stop myself from hugging him too. Mum explained to them all what happened just a few moments before in my bedroom and the reason why a transition had come up in my behaviour and I, then apologized from the bottom of my heart to everyone for all I had written in my diary and the way I had always so misinterpreted them all and never tried to understand them truly.

5 September 2018

9.30 PM

Dear Diary

Today was a beautiful day, at home as well as at school. I sat with Amelia today and discussed with her what all happened today morning and I could just understand the true love and concern of my parents towards me and I could get a chance to apologize for my lack of understanding of their concerns, worries and care for me. At last, I have finally found so many people around me with whom I can share the deepest thoughts, all my joys and sorrows, all those deepest secrets of my heart. I have got to know my parents and Olivia in a more mature and better way, and have just ended up giving each of them soo many hugs and kisses today. I feel so glad after having discovered in all of them a true friend of mine, who is just so loving, affectionate, caring and concerned for me. That’s the true lesson of life, your parents are your best friends who can never let any threats of the surrounding world even touch you, they’re always there as a protecting individual, to save you from all your challenges and obstacles, provide you with the best of their advice, in the midst of that dense forest, full of uncertainties, mysteries yet to be solved and soo many secrets yet to be revealed. Just believe in yourself and in the individuals who have helped you grow and be what you are, who have helped you see the world in all possible aspects and who have always been there for you in all kinds of circumstances. And now that’s what I have to say.....