Ankit singh

Children Stories Drama Tragedy

4.8  

Ankit singh

Children Stories Drama Tragedy

A Letter To Mother

A Letter To Mother

6 mins
820


Maa, 

I lost writing too, it's been a long while since I have bleed art and here my hands are trembling with pain; just pain. Papa told me how you were so excited when I was in your womb, how you were happily roaming around the entire house and you were there with the heart on sleeves; welcoming a little baby son in your life. Was I even worth it? 


Pape tells me about the time you decorated the house with balloons and banners and how you took me in your arms and you smiled and cried and kissed me on the forehead as if I was the most precious thing you ever held. You bought me that red t-shirt on my first birthday and you ate the biggest piece of cake even though you weren't allowed to and you danced till every fragment of oxygen jumped to escape from your lungs, you were happy to have me in your arms. 


I was 8 years old when you were diagnosed with that deadly kidney failure. So I came home running from my school to find you on that hospital bed with beeping machines around you and you too numb to even move, you tried smiling at me and I saw you flinching as you curved your lips. I didn't know how to feel then so I just did what I was best at, I screamed and started crying, until papa left your side and lifted me up to hug me. There was a hollowness in your eyes, body numbed by pain but oh you were still smiling at me.  You always complained maa that I always busy in playing instead of 

doing study but not once did your eyes ever met mine with hate;  they always had love, more love than I ever deserved.


Maa, there was a time when every morning I found you in hospital;  greeting me with that same smile and I went over and cried in your arms until doctors snatched me away from you.  And there was a time when papa slapped me; I remember crying ugly in the entire house and I remember pulling papa, scratching his face and beating with my little hands; doing as much damage as possible until he separated me away,..the only time maa, you screamed on me and told me to say a sorry, I cried and ran away telling you how I hated you; later that night, I heard you crying too. 


And I have seen all those times, you get stitches in front of my eyes; getting weekly that painful dialysis; those bitter medicines and sandy food; those million injections and not one scream escaped from your trembling lips; just two silent rolling tears. 


But Maa you have given me beautiful moments too. Because I'll always remember you for buying chocolates and playing with that dollhouse game with me and those numerous toys you brought every time for me; for you taught me to write my first alphabet and today I'm writing words as wandering writer I can't read as today its all a blur as if I really don't have anything to hold on to. Its been 13  years, since you have passed away maa and here are some things  I have always wanted to say, here are some apologies I never said and here are the silences you never read. 


 Maa, I self-harmed when I was 10 and saw you die;for I shook you and waited for you to wake up ..but you never did. You told me in your last breathe a goodbye, I shouted on top of my lungs and told you I was never ever letting you go and all I got was a hug and kiss until you died while I was in your arms.  So I self-harmed maa; when I was 10 because I wanted to go with you too. You left me behind with all those toys, a broken family and forever of memories. Every school teacher asked me if I was your son and told me how  you were the most beautiful soul they ever knew and how they 

were sorry for me.


I hated it Maa, I hated sympathy; I still do. Not much has changed, the family is still broken, I'm sorry nothing ever got back to the way it was; I could never fill up that void; no one can.


Maa, papa still had your albums hidden from me; He told me not to mention you, you were the past, he said but I saw his heart melt at the mention of your name and I heard him crying every night too. 

Maa, I wish if you were here for I have been alone since then. I  wish you were here, for I have no one to protect me or to team up with me when papa scold, I have no one to smile at me and take the crying little me in loving arms. 


There has never been anyone there to share my chocolates with; I  never had any best friend after you maa.  Maa, I wonder how different it would have been if you were here, I  would have never been depressed as you would have taken it all away with me. I would have never wanted death for me as you would have taught me life again, you would have taught me to smile and love again and now.. now there is darkness and now I  am holding myself together with just the memories of you; because 

Maa, lately breathing has been just too hard and merely existing too much for a fragile soul like mine; for lately it all has been crashing down and I wonder how it would have felt to read this out to you, to sing you the songs I wrote with my soar voice and recite my poems too; Maa, still I miss those game of making the pillow castle with you and escape us away from the world, to switch on the beautiful night lights in the dark and escape the world with you. 


Maa, I miss those stories you tell me till I fall asleep and I wake up all healed. Maa, if you were here then pain won't matter for once and I would have told you about my biggest crush; for once you'll call me your beta and I'll always be your baby son and we'll both be breathing and alive, for somewhere down these years I  have died as a whole. I miss you Maa. 


Maa, Your favourite chocolates are still kept in that right end corner of my pillow, I just don't have anyone to steal mine at midnight. and  I wish someday you will come and steal those chocolates. I miss you Maa… 

With Love,

Your Son. . . 

Ankit, who is now a writer.


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