With Myself

It seems like my whole world turns me around, back and forth. My heart pounds in my chest. I don't know why I am feeling this way. It is just that I feel like I am the dumbest among individuals. Should I try to search for myself, at least? I've been feeling lonely for a couple of days. I haven't known where the crux of the matter comes from. I know I am getting paranoid. I usually react in different manners to different situations. I get hurt in most cases. Whenever people ask me to do a task, I never do it nor take it. I don't want anyone to intervene with my soul. Sometimes, I don't like someone sticking with me like a leech, regardless of gender. I don't feel like going out for a party with my favourite humans. I want to stay home with a cup of coffee and a book in my hand. Most normal people are fond of travelling, having a long trek, and making friends. It didn't work in me, albeit I own every tick of the minute hand. Nevertheless, I tend to play the thoughts in my mind. I usually think of weird scenarios wherein I am in the clouds, sleeping.

I feel elated every time I can create situations wherein I am the protagonist. However, people will get tired because we are not robots. Even though I can be happy without depending on other people, I get exhausted too. These past few days, I don't feel like I am with myself. I have frequent shifts in mood. I am literally and figuratively frustrated. I have lots of why's and but's, what if's, and then. I am not saying that I have regretted my past because I am happy it happened. My past brought me here, not in a wilderness but in a field full of lessons. Maybe this time, I haven't found myself yet. I just acted like I did because I am feeling pretty good or maybe my brain is just releasing endorphins. I pretended to be okay although, in the crooks and crannies of my nerves, I am not.

 Somehow, I still need to take one step forward to see myself as a grown-up person wearing the experiences that will be my shield towards the future. I still need to wave off my mask and start playing the role of being real. I have to muster up the courage to find unalloyed happiness. No matter where I am, whether I am alone or with someone, I can look up to a visage of a strong woman who stays optimistic despite any circumstance. For now, I am permanently closing my past and leaving it behind to search for myself.