Near Death

During daytime, I felt at ease as my wife and kids were around me. But, at night, loneliness and dark thoughts crept in. Even though I knew in my mind that my time had come, I couldn’t help but fear my own death. Cancer had made my body weak and fragile and now I was dependent on others for my basic needs. My family never showed me that they were tired of me or wanted to get rid of me. But I wanted to get rid of all the pain and suffering my body was experiencing. I just wanted to go peacefully without troubling my loved ones.

My entire life had been nothing short of a havoc. My childhood had its bitter and sweet moments, adolescence period was dark and adult life even darker. Most of the bad events in my life were self created. Born rebellious, I never listened to anyone and did whatever I felt like. Regretting my own choices was the only option I was now left with. How I wished I had done certain things differently, how I wished I could return back to time and make things happen! Time, as usual, waits for no one.

Since the last few days, images of my past have been haunting me. The good as well as the bad ones. Even though my family is with me and cares for my needs, I am still alone in a room full of people. I regret not treating my wife with respect and taking her for granted. She had always loved me unconditionally and still does. Irrespective of that, I had cheated on her multiple times. Despite knowing the truth, she chose to stick to me. I still don’t know why. I regret not spending enough time with my kids when I could. And now that I want to cherish each moment, The Angels of Death come every now and then, reminding me that my time is coming to an end and I will have to obey their orders, whether I like it or not.

I never feared for my life. Death is inevitable. It was supposed to happen some day or the other. Everyone has to die. But, even though I know the harsh reality, I am still not 100% ready to face it. I just want to be with my family. Every minute with them for me is precious and priceless. I can’t describe my feelings. No matter how hard they try to convince me that I will be fine, I know that is never going to happen. I guess they know it too but they are good at pretending just as I am. I am left with hundreds of questions in my mind with no set of answers. What could have been changed? Why did I not respect and appreciate the good people in my life? Why did I allow myself to be influenced by all things bad? Could I have lived my life differently than what I lived? Why did my time come so soon?

To be honest, I am stuck in a situation where I want to die, yet, I don’t want to die. I am trying to adjust myself in between two worlds- the world I belong to and the world I shall belong to in the future. I don’t know which one to call mine anymore. The last two months have been excruciating. The remaining days may be even more. As I lay on my deathbed counting my days, minutes and even seconds, I have realized that I don’t even have time for regrets. It’s no use regretting. Why regret when you can’t change the past? Just enjoy whatever time you have left and let God do the rest.

You need to be happy for yourself and for your loved ones. It is painful for them to live without you. It is equally painful for you to leave them crying and alone. But, in this case, I have no choice. No matter how rich or poor I may be, I cannot disobey God’s orders. I have to go. Whenever God wants me to come to him, I shall go. Without leaving a trace, I shall climb the paths leading me to heaven or hell. I am a sinner as well as a saint. So, time will tell, where I belong and it is not for me to decide. God shall decide my place and I will accept it gracefully. Meanwhile, I will continue to live.