Insights amidst turbulence - A quick Vipassana Journey

Before I put my thoughts together there is something I realised at this moment that would be an apt way to start. To explain someone what something is, it’s easier to convey what it is not. So, this is not a religious or debatable view on Vipassana. It is not a recommendation, encouragement or even discouragement of any kind for aspiring practitioners. It is not a journal you refer to for your answers on this subject if any. So now to what it is, It’s my take on what I understood in this practice, my experience from being an aspiring practitioner to actually going and doing it. My highs and lows when spending time unwinding the knots of my own thoughts. 

And the final disclaimer, that this scribble is directly proportional to the limited exposure of the topic and the world in general which I carry and any hint of two pence worth of knowledge which I may have accumulated from life in general. So in short this is just my lens and in no way meant to be yours or a barometer for making up your mind in case you are in that process.

Woah that’s a whole paragraph for a safe harbour, so let's jump right in.

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Reading something or anything has been my family DNA and thus a habit which has no boundaries of subjects or topics. Some of my recent incidental reads (on varied topics from philosophy, management to even fiction) mentioned Vipassana and other meditative practices in one way or the other. And when I started stumbling upon this word more and more, it got me intrigued. Why am I getting this nudge everywhere? I am not a big believer of the universe and its magic (from the book ‘The Secret’) but I admit I have had such, for the lack of a better word, spooky experiences before. Where you literally feel just like your phone someone has hacked your mind that you see the same recommendations again and again everywhere.

So this was it, I had to check it out myself and if possible go ahead and do it.

And well this is not entirely true. 

Due to some recent downs more than ups, some losses, some goodbyes I was seeking an anchor to hold on to and try to build an unshakable foundation.

The first step was of course to thoroughly go through the website Dhamma.org which is power packed with the info one may need. And after a couple of failed attempts where my registration in queue got canceled I finally got through with a set of suitable 10 days which I could invest in this exploration. Getting your registration canceled by the way is very normal as the world keeps registering. 

I deliberately kept away from discussing this decision with my circle or even with Google which promptly reads your mind and throws back at you questions that haven’t haunted you yet, like, Should I do Vipassana? Effects of Vipassana on work? Does it harm to do Vipassana? What is Vipassana? And the list goes on. 

The reason was simple, I wanted to experience whatever it was on my own and the fact that it has been around for years with practitioners across the world, it had its own testimony.

Day Zero as they call it back at the practice, is the day you land at the Dhamma centre (mine was CBD Belapur)  to get through the registration process which includes mandatory handover of your valuables and of course your phone. And being unsure of when exactly you give your phone away, I was a bit shaken when the ‘Sewaks’ simply said - right now! I had to request my way out to make a final call back home just to doubly ensure that yes this is it. Let's go through this together as it's not usual that you aren’t going to hear from your people for that long. Off goes the phone in a carefully sealed envelope with a numbered receipt in return which I would need only after 10 days. 

The old students who would want to serve back to the organization ‘Dhamma Org’ can work as Sewaks just to ensure discipline and help budding practitioners through the course. This was amazing to me as the Sewaks were of all age groups and we later figured, had traveled long distances just to serve back. The Sewaks are as polite and helpful as humanly possible and that feels awkward when sometimes an older man bows to you before answering your question. And guess what, you start doing the same in no time.

One of them showed me my room to be - B117 with an intimation that it may be shared with a fellow occupant however that never happened. The spotlessly clean room with a sturdy bed, attached bathroom and to my surprise an air conditioner was ready for its new occupant who has walked in with hope, excitement, pain and doubt in his heart and wants to walk out, even if it is a tiny little bit, a better man in 10 days.

As I settled in we were ‘Gonged’ for tea and snacks before they could let us on our own for the evening with instructions for the day/s ahead.

As I was strolling through the premise, (male zone clearly differentiated) appeared a young man in his late 20’s walking up and introducing himself to me. After we exchanged pleasantries, I learned that this is his repeat course. In the flow of the conversation he said something peculiar to me - ‘No matter what happens, complete your course’. Well I had made up my mind and schedule just like everyone else here for the next 10 days. Why say this? To this his only response shrugging his shoulders was ‘nothing I just felt like’.

We walked back in awkward silence towards the hall for debrief. 

The thoroughly thought through AV which was played, anticipated every pitfall the students may face during the practice and was well articulated and spoon fed with the do’s and don'ts. The obvious being observing complete silence (back there it's called Noble silence), no communication through body language or otherwise, following all schedules as prescribed, no engaging in reading or writing or indulgence of any kind during the stay.

With this we retired back to our rooms to settle down and catch some early sleep, the days henceforth are to start at 4am.

Accustomed to an age long habit of reading a few pages before dozing off, I was struggling to get into slumber mode. Following the pre-declared rules I wasn’t carrying any of my books to lean on this habit. And that left me with the only choice to reach something or anything readable within the 4 walls. A little digging in my travel bag and I found the bag of toiletries with daily essentials. It was like a kid in a toy shop feeling that I had a bunch of back covers filled with chemical compositions, manufacturing addresses, customer care numbers, company details, warnings, expiry dates and much more to gulp. This was from soaps, shampoos, medicines, creams, emergency sprays, toothpaste and more. I read it all in 10 days. Did you know IODEX was an ayurvedic medicine? I didn’t but I learnt through those sneaky reads.

I could have jostled my memory and put up a day wise account of things but I would rather put forth the things that have stuck with me. What would be the point of adding things which I really need to struggle remembering.

The Day 1 began at 4am with a Gong which seemed endless with regular monotonous intervals to ensure you are up. 

Being prepared mentally for this it was not much of a task to get out of the bed and get ready before the next 4.30am Gong. This Gong indicated gathering in the Dhamma Hall for the first discourse of the session.

The dimly lit hall with dropping temperature was set just right for an immersive experience. 

I was obviously anxious for what's coming from the teacher sitting up on the small stage overlooking the hall.

However to my surprise a voice clip was played with a heavy male voice chanting but later smoothly descended into natural empathetic authority. This was the voice which was to guide us for the days to come, the voice of the late Guru S.N. Goenka. The founder of Dhamma org who has served several thousands with this ancient practice.

The session began with simple instructions of watching the breath. 

As you can guess it's easier said than done.

Now, I have been to a few meditative and pranayama practices in the past which essentially asked you to navigate back to the breath or observe the thoughts or use music or some mantra or word or object to focus your attention.

This however was different as it was only the raw natural breath to be focused on and that too only in the nose passage where it passes in and out.

No deep breaths, no following or feeling the breath through your body, no changing your breath, however just observing, and the instruction said with ‘Equanimity’.

I was a bit confused by the heavy word - equanimity which was later explained in Hindi as ‘Samata’, a general feeling of balanced state. 

This practice called the ‘Aanapaan’ observing the incoming and outgoing breath was the anchor for the next 3.5 days to come. The only change or progress expected was that one should focus the attention on a smaller passage of the nose each passing day and further bring it down to the small triangle created between the end of your nose center and your upper lip. 

I am hoping you are checking or touching this space with your fingers right now to feel that it really makes a tiny triangle there.

Morning 4.30 to 06.30 was the first longest I have ever sat through legs crossed without resting my back. I could feel and hear the cracking sounds made as I slowly unfolded. And the sounds echoed from fellow practitioners with the audible boiling bile juice to the pangs of hunger.

A sumptuous yet healthy spread of breakfast awaited us in the first break at 630. Still getting accustomed to the Noble silence I couldn't help but notice a familiar face opposite me helping himself with idlis. Sudesh Bhosle the famous vocalist for Mr. Amitabh Bachan was just as ordinary as any fellow student in the room following the daily disciplines. 

Imagine the frustration seeing an accomplished vocalist everyday in mute mode.

The body and mind are pulling through day 1 into a disciplined routine you are not habituated to. I am habituated to doing something or rather anything. It may be work, play, rest, daily chores or anything to engage in. And that's the toughest part to give up, to do nothing but observe your own breath objectively without being involved. And probably that's the reason few quit on day 2 or 3 when it becomes unbearable not to do anything else but just observe.

Unable to control my urge to give up I started rethinking my decision to come here. To add to the agony 3 of fellow students sitting right around me in the hall were to be unseen after the beginning of day 2. It was obvious they had quit and in the bargain made things unbearable for me.

Here the words of that young man came back to rescue,’ no matter what happens, complete your course’. I realized he sensed what was to come and the reminder of those words gave some strength to continue. 

The daily evening 1.5hr discourse AV by guru Goenkaji soon became the much awaited event of the day. One because they were lucid and great and two because you are not necessarily sitting uptight throughout. The discourse is meant to throw light on the day that passed with explanation on the reason behind doing the activity. The flow grabs you for the entire time as it is woven with stories, some fictional, some real to get you the message. 

The discourses pointed exactly what one might be going through as the day passed and spoke about ways to anchor yourself to the practice. 

I realized that me and my problems are not unique.

I deliberately will not go into the different messages shared in each discourse as they are for each one to understand with individual capacity and perspective.

The moral however was very simple and agreeable. 

With a simple act of breath focus you are actually telling your monkey mind what to do than the other way around which is an everyday story.

The wild monkey obviously doesn't like it and takes you to thoughts from the past, to thoughts of imagined future, to thoughts of your past defeats, your wins, to happy, sad, sour memory bundles, to everywhere but to the present. 

The only realisation of the present is your body which also is commanded by this monkey and which keeps giving out signals of discomfort making the inside journey tougher.

Doing the breath focus for 3.5 days and lowering the attention to the tiny triangle is essentially to develop sharp focus which your mind would need for the next 7 days going through the actual practice of Vipassana.

After the patient practice for 3 days I read on the next day schedule which finally said the Vipassana training starts. 

The practice which hailed from ancient India which eloped and was rediscovered by Gautam 

Buddha to reach the state of Nirvana. For which he dedicated his life teaching this to everyone from Kings to general populace , which was practiced by saints from different sects, castes and religious beliefs even before and after the Buddha who attained true freedom and enlightenment, Which has found a place in Bhagwad Geeta, The Holy Bible, The Kuran-e-sharif, The Guru Granth Sahib, Agam Sutras and many more.

The revelation of Vipassana starts with the formal invocation to the teacher to render the Vipassana to the Saadhak or the student.

The days spent earlier with focused breath were essentially with an intent for the mind to be razor sharp, as Vipassana is zooming out that attention to the whole body part by part.

The practice in itself is in the simplicity of observing bodily sensations throughout the surface of the skin with the realisation that you are simply acknowledging the sensation as an observer. An observer who treats all sensations equally and doesn’t get involved in either. 

Why would such a simple task take 10 days of retreat and not be done online?

The crux was in the background what actually happens when you undergo this practice thoroughly as Vipassana was not a theoretical revelation of truth but an experiential one.

And to experience anything you need a primary tool, your body.

And what truth is that?

As I understood - Everything is temporary and each moment is passing away, the good, the bad, the joyous, the painful. It is the present state which is changing from moment to moment and the true happiness would lie in being equanimous to every moment as that moment is temporary and passing away. Why would one get involved in something that is intangible?

I nodded to myself in agreement but how do I take that back.

I am a simple mortal being with dreams, goals, aspirations and a fair share of troubles and I love the way this is. Being indifferent to life and becoming an observer? I didn’t sign up to pass out with a ‘Sanyasi’ perspective from here. The first thoughts that ran up my mind which were well answered in time.

I decided to surrender with a learner's mind and simply follow what was being asked. However the dormant feeling of giving up still cropped up with me badly missing my people. 

It was this unbearable urge that I get the concept now but looks like I am done here and maybe this is all I can take. However I did gather myself counting back the days and hours.

As I surrendered and practiced without prejudice the discourses answered all my queries.

I discovered that the underlying effect of regular practice is to simply uproot the age-old emotions or dogmas lying dormant within an individual and bring them to surface.

And by the act of purely acknowledging their existence and not getting involved one is fusing out the scar that emotion may leave.

You may not know the emotion as you are only acknowledging the bodily sensations but that's the beauty of it.

With this understanding the days ahead become much simpler and equally difficult. Simpler because you know why you are doing what you are doing. Difficult because you have to learn to be indifferent even towards expecting forceful results from the practice. 

The sessions also included a Q&A private time with the teacher just to make sure you are clear about the what, the why and the how. Or any underlying doubts and queries one may have.

This helped a great deal as I queued up for my turn sitting quietly in the well arranged corridor.

My only ordinary question was how do I take it back?

I am bound to be in situations to lose my mind as I step out in real life out of this utopia. What happens then?

How do I be objective or equanimous in situations which will test me. Or even in everyday life where I have desires, goals, problems, people to deal with, some loved ones, some not so loved ones.

The teacher's perspective was clear and simple, when you go back to your normal life you are expected to be dithered with all this.

The key is to keep practicing the way you do here just to develop a natural way of an objective view in every situation. 

The key is to do your job, your goals, chase your dreams but because you now have experienced the truth, develop with time this understanding that things will change for better or worse. 

Hence to take your dose of indulgence or negligence in measured proportions. 

You are going to be punched in the face, thrown off the hook or even celebrated like a celebrity, you will be able to anchor yourself cutting the chaos, that is if you keep up with the practice.

With a kid like curiosity and persistence I further dug, so what happens even if I am practicing and not fully developed? How do I not lose faith in the practice or what could be the easier way to anchor until it becomes a part of my DNA.

The answer lies in the initial breath focus as the quickest anchor you can deliberately take when you find yourself in testing times. 

Watch your breath deliberately the next time you feel anxious, overwhelmed, scared, scarred or any other suitable expression from the thesaurus. 

By simply learning to watch your breath will mitigate the effects and help you hold your fort.

This sufficed me that the decision I had made to invest a good 10 days here was not wasted. If one is armed with the true nature of things and a way to separate chaos from meaning, this is what everyone needs.

To ensure we could cut off chaos we also had the facility to meditate in ‘Pagoda cells’. A literal cell or a tiny jail like room (I haven’t been to one but know it from movies). The pagodas provided just the right atmosphere to be one with your practice. The cells being tiny and without ventilation often spark off immense perspiration. The perspiration further helps in picking the signals the body makes while you hover over your attention to acknowledge.

I liked when guruji in the discourse said that you do not look for spiritual experiences or revelations of some inner world or some super sensational vibes on your body. What you acknowledge is the little things that go unnoticed like an itch or a tickle or a pulse or the sweat flowing down your spine because the key is not in the sensation but in being able to observe it indifferently.

And once you accept this every sensation you feel becomes just another side of the coin.

As we were leaning towards the end of the remaining few days, the discourses were getting deeper and touching on more intimate topics like Love, Justice, debate of Fair and Unfair, Karma, After life and many more.

I was fascinated by ‘Love’ as the perspective given was ‘one truly loves only one person in the world and that is her/himself’. Every other relationship outside of us is only as loved as they are one with our views and dreams and goals. Everything apart from self love becomes conditional. The moment the other person differs, love diminishes and cannot be selfless. 

I frankly do not conform to this fully or maybe I need to go back and understand the perspective again.

The primary debate in my mind is will I take a bullet for my loved ones, even if we do not share a great relationship? The answer comes to a Yes and that leaves me a bit unsettled to understand this topic more thoroughly.

Another revelation through an AV was Vipasaana as a course available in Indian prisons like Tihar encouraged by Kiran Bedi. The results the practice has attained in measuring true change for seasoned criminals was astounding. 

The AV pointed out we all are a prisoner of our own thoughts, the people on the inside of the jail have just acted on them and we outside haven’t or haven’t got caught. Makes sense to me.

A personal story of Goenkaji was of him meeting a Dr. and pursuing him to come for a home visit for an ailing relative. The Dr. in the course of the conversation indicates that due to no pandemic or ongoing viral in town it has recently hit his wallet badly which sparked an innate anger in Goenkaji for a man in such a noble profession. 

However after a few moments he realizes that he is a worse man than the Dr. as he does the same in his business for personal gains. Arm twisting at times, making money by twisting a few ethical ways and ultimately being self centred towards a personal gain at the cost of others.

It underlined the way a person should introspect in his daily life on the way he conducts his business. As any unethical deed would get punished with immediate consequences in the form of agony, anger or remorse which once seeped within would affect the general well being of an individual. The flip side being a good or ethical way will be rewarded immediately with feeling of satisfaction, happiness supporting greatly the general well being.

And just like that the calendar marked the completion of 09 days with two exciting notices on the board - 1. We will break the Noble Silence tomorrow and 2. Our extended organs, our phones will be handed over.

I had played that moment in my mind when I will make this first call home and break into tears maybe or a hearty laugh but none of that happened. It was a casual conversation just like the one you have when you are not reachable on a long trip overseas and you make the call that you reached safely.

It seems when you voluntarily disconnect from the world outside the time passess real slow and because you are just with your thoughts your perception of time fails all calculations and it feels an eternity has passed away.  

Whereas life keeps moving-on on the outside and wasn’t this the biggest lesson you came to learn in the first place.

Well yes but it does take a controlled environment to experience and thanks to the Dhamma org for providing just that.

The power of speech was back and we were going full monty on it.

The breaking of Noble silence resulted in us discovering like minded people from different sects, places and ways of work all huddled together for the last 10 days as strangers. Only difference was the ones who came with their families. 

Many were repeaters for almost 11 years in a row and have made this the way of life. A mix of professionals like doctors, psychologists, tech people, businessmen, aged and young adults were in abundance. 

A surprise mix was of some upcoming actors under training who were recommended to do this by their accomplished counterparts. 

One of them explained beautifully that as an actor one has to live and play someone else’ life without getting attached to the traits of that character. Because at one point you may be doing multiple roles. How do you learn not to mix these traits into another character or worse take some into your own natural character. 

Objectivity, the biggest lesson here hits the spot.

The final day 11 morning is the last morning we come together for our group meditation followed by breakfast with chit chats as the Noble silence is broken now.

Everyone seems in haste as they pack and plan their travels back home. 

Numbers are exchanged from quick like minded chats, groups are formed to keep in touch but I never imagined it would be so heavy to leave all this behind which didn’t belong to me.

Winding up the room it was nothing but gratitude overflowing for the place, the room, the people, the food, the teacher, the learning and the experience. 

The least I could do was give back in some way and also made sure my abode was left just as sparkling as I found it.

I did my best at it.

Taking in as much as I could, keeping up as much as I could, letting go as much as I could and promising myself to apply more than I could, I revved up the engine for the long drive ahead back to the life I ran away from for 10 days.