Half A Dozen Of The Other

“And whilst this excruciating phase your psyche no longer knows if all of this is real, but you need to hold on. You wouldn’t have to go through all these if you weren’t strong enough. Please.”

That vague yet indubitable voice echoed throughout the inner depths of the soul; yet again. Is it trying to save me? Again?

The tenebrous sky was quite an oddity to the otherwise wizened nature that day. Autumn was here. The evenings seemed to be getting chillier as each second ticked by; yet sections of the numbing space happened to be homey as a strange kind of warmth emanated from the beaming smiles perched on the lips of the friends snuggled up close. “Quite happy bunches they are, aren’t they? I guess it’s just you and me this season too,” said she as her moistened eyes glistened while her lips tried hard to crack into a smile.

She looked at the blooming begonias for a little while more. She wanted to reciprocate the time they had given her as she spoke out her heart to them. Her preoccupied mind was suddenly interrupted by the whispering mumbles behind. The fabric of her skirt felt the poignant grip of her hands which wore scars too unwavering to fade. Her throbbing heart wished it wasn’t her that they were talking about but her tumultuous mind told another story. Her feet took her off to the serenity of her room before the voices in her head deafened her.

“I wonder if these voices shall ever leave me alone.” She sighed. She walked towards the rusty mirror hanging on the wall of her room and contemplated her woebegone reflection. It was time. Dolorous scenes from her murky past had started to tediously creep their way back to her mind. “No! not now, please. I am not sad today. Nothing bad has happened to me today. I even mustered enough courage to smile at Bella when she passed me the sheets today. I was able to shop fertilizers for the begonias without pondering if conniving eyes appalled at me. I even happened to apologise to that kind old gentleman when I stepped on his foot unintentionally. Please. I’m begging you. Nothing has gone wrong. They were not tittle-tattling about me. They don’t even know me. Please stop!”

“Bella must’ve thought of you as a creep for smiling out of nowhere. Oh! And you think people weren’t talking behind you while shopping. Remember that girl who glanced at you while you were talking to the shopkeeper. Why would she if there was nothing wrong? That poor man must’ve cursed you for the pain you inflicted. You are just a despondent wretch. Don’t get your hopes high!”

It had begun. The never-ending skirmish of her clamorous mind. She stood quiet and lifeless while her mind did all the talking. Her amber eyes were now moistened with signs of despair, need, and trepidation.

The voices now seemed to venture towards the subtle past that she endeavoured to enshroud.

“Are you trying to say that you have no remorse for everything that you have done? Do you even consider the sufferings you cause others? You are a disgrace to your family where nobody wants you. You have nothing for them to be proud of. You fail your teachers because you are too hesitant. You have no friends. Who would want to be your friend in the first place? Remember Ava pushing you down the stairs? Why do you think that she did not do to anyone else but you? Because you deserved it like she said. You have never made anyone smile. Heck, you deserve nobody!”

The windows to her left overlooked the amiable laughter of the kids playing. The sky was getting darker. A mother clenched the tiny palm of her boy as they were walking home.

Her knees felt weak and her vision turned vague. She felt herself crushing down to the floor. She laid still and quiet. She gazed into space as she was slowly starting to lose herself in the psychedelic mazes of her mind.

“You are a strong girl. You are so inundated by your will to save others that you forget you need saving too,” chimed that faint voice suddenly. “Why are you to be blamed for everything that goes wrong with others? You are here seeing this alluring world because your family loves you because you are loved by everyone who has seen the inner depths of your pure kind soul. All of this will reach its denouement.”

“Why me? Why not someone else?” were the faint words that left her mouth.

“Because not everyone is as strong as you are” chimed the voice again.

“Are you here to save me?” she asked.

“ ……..”

An innocent smile crept on her chapped lips as her eyes shut for the night.

“Your eyes are swollen badly. Did you not sleep well last night?” asked Miss Green, the ever so refined History teacher.

“No, Ma’am. I had been working on a project,” she smiled.

She could hear the whispering mumbles behind her.

AGAIN.