Desires

Sometimes, all it takes is one moment for all of your senses to run wild. But the truth is, they are bound by the walls of reality, unable to find any kind of release beyond the throes of a vivid imagination. And life? Well. Life has a way of teasing you, pulling and prodding at your helplessness, smirking at your unfulfilled desires. Yes, I know because the same thing happened to me on an otherwise bland summer Tuesday evening.

Like any other morning, I woke up beside my husband, Ankush. I made tea for the entire family, brushed my teeth, relieved myself, took a shower, dried my hair and got dressed in a plain cotton salwar suit to leave for my morning classes at the college. And like any other occasional morning, my mother-in-law, Pritilata Mitra, eyed me and her son suspiciously while we left together for work. It was routine, the reaction, I mean. Why wouldn't it be? Knocking over a metallic flower pot in the middle of the night in the excitement of carnal desires isn't something the Indian middle class is quite used to yet.

Ankush dropped me off at my college, where my students lazily took notes on some part of 18th Century history I had covered in the previous class. I liked to imagine that he reaches his office, the bank, and stares all day at a computer screen. Of course, he was busier than that, the big man, the Branch Manager.

By evening, we were both back home and dressing up in fine clothes for my brother-in-law, Arnav, had finally agreed to get married but was reluctant to find a bride on his own, too caught up in his Astrophysics research. His parents weren't too happy with the idea for it meant more work for them and of course, there was this massive responsibility to find someone suitable, particularly given the fact that their younger son was quite the nitpicker. Honestly, I thought his demands were legit. He simply wanted a bride he could engage in meaningful and intellectual conversations with. But then again, that's too much of a responsibility for the parents to shoulder.

In any case, that Tuesday evening was the first time we'd all go to another part of the city to meet a potential bride and her family. Little did I know that Arnav wouldn't be the only one whose life was about to change.

After an hour-long ride trudging through the Central Calcutta traffic, with Ankush manning the wheels of the family SUV, we reached the Sens' apartment. The Sens, who had been looking for a match for their only daughter for a long time, daintily dressed in exquisite finery, enthusiastically welcomed us into their humble abode. My marriage to Ankush was born out of a college affair, so, I was quite looking forward to how an arranged marriage is conducted. The evening began with formalities in the presence of the man who had taken the pain to introduce the two families, a colleague of Mr. Sen and a childhood friend of my father-in-law, Mr. Anukul Ghosh. Soon, the families started to get along over cups of milk tea, salty-sweet biscuits, and assorted singaras.

Mrs. Sen, an enigmatic homemaker and music teacher, struck up a conversation with my mother-in-law, who herself was quite the Bharatnatyam dancer in her youth. I watched the two ladies revel in memoirs of their gone days, finding similarities and sharing differences. Mr. Sen, my father-in-law, Mr. Ghosh, Ankush, and Arnav, found their harmony over politics and football.

That's when my jovial father-in-law, Shurjendu Mitra, piped in, "Where is your daughter, Mr. Sen? Will you not introduce us to her?"

"Oh, of course, we will! But she hasn't returned home yet. She's currently doing her Ph.D. in Applied Psychology and spends hours in the Library. Her work is everything for her. She'll be returning anytime soon."

An hour went by in a good company. I didn't know if the Sens' daughter would get along with Arnav, but I could sense that this was the beginning of a lifelong friendship between the Sens and the Mitras.

The doorbell interrupted us. "It must be Tina!" Mrs. Sen jumped to get to the door. And that's when my world turned upside down, but whether it was in a good way or a terrible one, only time would tell.

I couldn't take my eyes off the doe-eyed, porcelain-skinned beauty that had walked in. Tall and slender, with a head full of luscious curls that kissed her waist, dressed in a pair of powder blue jeans and a thigh slit, high necked baby pink kurta.

Mrs. Sen took her daughter's sling bag and signaled at the guests, smiling broadly. A smile crossed her lips and her positively tired eyes lit up like fireworks as she courteously folded her hands and said, "Namaskar! I would love to join the adda but I need a little time to get changed... With your permission?" I had never heard such a soft and sultry voice before. Perhaps, this is what they call 'love at first sight'. 

My father-in-law quickly responded, "Of course, my dear!"

A few minutes later, she came back in a purple and gold saree, a matching high-necked blouse, and a little black bindi between her thick eyebrows. She'd left her hair open for me to admire.

I noticed Arnav out of the corner of my eyes. He looked smitten and I felt a pang of jealousy. Oh, but wait a minute! Guilt enveloped me like fire consumes life as I looked at my loving husband, sitting happily by Mr. Ghosh, oblivious to his wife's thoughts. He must have felt me looking at him for he quickly glanced at me and smirked, a twinkle in his eyes. Perhaps, he was thinking of last night? And here I was, sinning inside my mind.

I quite failed to notice when Arnav and Tina moved their rendezvous to the balcony on the approval of the family. I watched them through the glass doors, chit-chatting, laughing, getting acquainted. They looked like they were made for each other but were conveniently lost in the wilderness, waiting patiently for their respective tribes to sniff out the other.

Slowly, I started losing track of the conversations happening around me. I was consumed in lust and in guilt and I hoped against hope to get out of there as soon as possible.

I faintly remember a happy and content Mitra family returning to their home just in time for dinner. Arnav had liked Tina and vice-versa. The marriage was set in motion. They would be wed in a year and a half. But what did that mean for me? 

I quickly gulped down two rotis and a bowl of mixed vegetable curry as the family chattered away. Ankush kept glancing at me. Could he read my mind? Or was he expecting a continuation of the previous night? I didn't know. I only hoped he didn't notice my quiet demeanor. 

When it was time for bed, I laid on my side, my back to Ankush. He laid quietly for a while and turned. Softly, he brushed my cheek with his hand and kissed me on my neck. I didn't respond. I'm not sure what went through his mind but he put his arm around me and spooned me to sleep.

Restless and uncontained, I lay wide awake, listening to his soft snore behind my ear. I couldn't stop thinking of Tina. The more I was eaten by guilt, the more I wanted to tear off her clothes and eat her out to oblivion. That sure was a strange way to feel about your brother-in-law's fiance. Not to mention, I too had a loving husband, whose lovemaking drove me wild. I didn't know what to do.

It must have been midnight. The city was asleep. I wasn't. I turned to my husband, watching him sleep peacefully, the moonlight through the window kissing his shoulder. His arm still lay loosely around me. He didn't know. He didn't have to know. In a wild motion, I grabbed his face and bit his lips. He woke up, startled, gathered himself and kissed back. As I pulled away, he furrowed his brows and looked at me, concern gripping his face. 

I had been married to Ankush for over two years now. Before that, our relationship was for seven long years. We understood each other more than we understood ourselves. As he looked at me, in the moonlight, I didn't know what he was thinking. I knew I couldn't escape his notice. He knew something was off, for he reached out and moved a strand of hair from my face.

"You Ok?", he asked.

"Yes! Of course! I feel amazing!" I leaned in and bit his lips again.

He chortled. "Do you remember when we were in college and the first Avengers movie was out?"

I nodded. "What about it?"

"You wouldn't stop gushing about Scarlett Johansson," he smirked, his eyes twinkling.

I looked at him in horror, speechless. He knew! I could feel my face turn red in guilt and in shame. But he kept smiling and in a swift motion pinned me down.

I'm sure a million things run through the mind of a man but perhaps, it was a good thing that some of it was shrouded in mystery, for in the end, we all have desires we cannot explain.

That night, we knocked over the metallic vase once again, with much more vigor than it was used to.