A letter to life
A letter to life6 mins 20.6K 6 mins 20.6K
I have always been confused ever since I was a kid. I never really knew what I wanted to do in my life. Sometimes I wanted to be a doctor, at times a fashion designer, later onwards a chartered accountant and then, much later I also wanted to do an MBA. Finally, I ended up studying something which I never really thought of and working for a job I practically had no interest in. I never really paid heed to my desires and wants. I always wanted to please everyone around me. I wanted to be accepted by others. I wanted to be loved by others. But how can someone love and respect you if you don’t love and respect yourself?
That’s the reason maybe why I am unemployed since the last three years because I still don’t know what I want from my life. Is it even normal to be so clueless of your dreams and ambitions when you are just three years away from turning 30? Aren’t you supposed to have your life sorted and settled in terms of your career and love? Is it only me or are there others like me? Presently, I feel like a total loser. I feel worthless and useless. Social media, in my case, does nothing but add fuel to the fire. Whenever I log in, all I can see is my friends and companions successful and venturing into their new lives; getting married and having kids. Not that I am jealous though. I always wish the best for everybody. But these scenarios make me question my own existence.
My personal life, or should I say, my love life has always been invisible. Honestly speaking, I never had any to begin with. There was a guy I genuinely liked. I adored and admired him. All from a distance. I didn’t even have the courage to speak to him. Maybe because I thought that I wasn’t good enough for him. I don’t even know whether he even noticed me or not. Who would want to look at an average looking, overweight girl? Or so I thought. Maybe I hated myself to such an extent that I didn’t consider myself even worth giving a try. My friends and family love me nonetheless. But, still, why do I keep having second thoughts about myself?
Now that I am in my mid-20’s, my parents want me to settle down and I think they are right. Every time I get rejected in terms of work and marriage prospects, both, I put on a brave face and show the “ I DON’T CARE” attitude. But I do care. I cry when I am all alone in the bathroom or when I am in bed. I know that it’s not the end of the world for me. I don’t express my anger. I don’t blame anyone. I have dug a deep hole in my heart and try to cover up my feelings with a fake smile. My smile is the only medicine which can help me heal my inner wounds. I smile to myself, in the hope that better days are yet to come.
I have reached a point of saturation where I have no idea why I am unhappy. Is it because I am unsuccessful inspite of being highly educated or is it because I am yet to find my soulmate? Or both? Or none of the above? I try to keep myself preoccupied with something or the other. At times, I succeed. But sometimes, I fail miserably. Should I break some plates and glasses or should I bang my head against the wall? Why can’t I feel and experience happiness like others? I feel lost. I feel miserable. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts. Am I suffering from depression? What should I do to feel happy and lively? Should I go for shopping or an outdoor activity? Or a movie? Or try to find something that excites me?
Why can’t I be like others who know what they want from their lives? Is it okay for a 27 year old woman to not have any purpose in life? To not know the answers to the many questions that come up in her mind. Is it okay to be fashionably late when it comes to matters of your life? Is it okay if I don’t want to be a part of the rat race? I try to find the answers to these questions every single day. Surely,if God has given me life, he must have had a purpose in mind. A purpose that I am meant to deliver. What is it that I want? What is it that I desire? I definitely want to do something fruitful with my life. But what? And how?
Whenever I feel like quitting and giving up, I remind myself that there are many in this world who would die to be in my place. To be blessed with the luxuries of life that God has blessed me with. Whenever I hear the news about a soldier dying while fighting for the nation, I feel sad. I feel heartbroken for the concerned person’s family who has lost their loved one. I admire the courage and bravery the soldiers and his or her family members show. Which makes me realize that I am breathing because of the contribution of each and everyone of the soldiers on the battlefield. The pain and agony I feel within my heart is nothing compared to the pain and agony felt and experienced by our bravehearts’ families.
If these soldiers are fighting day and night in extreme conditions just to keep all of us safe, who the hell am I to think of taking my own life? Death is inevitable. It will happen. Whenever God has decided. I don’t have the right to take my own life. If God has blessed me with life, I should live it and enjoy it till it lasts. I should try to find happiness in the simplest of things. I should ignore the negatives and focus only on the positives. Whenever I feel like life is not worth living, I should look at the ones who are less privileged than I am. I should accept that it is completely normal; to not know the answers to the hundreds of different questions that come up in my mind. It is okay to fall and then climb up the ladder. It is okay if things don’t happen the way I wanted them to.
A person who keeps on striving on being better than himself or herself is never a loser. I am not a loser. I am a fighter. I will fight till my last breath. I will not take away my own life. I will wait until God’s call. My biggest competitor is no one but myself. My biggest critic is no one but myself. The biggest battle I can ever have with anyone is with myself. If I don’t love myself, how will someone else love me? If I survive this battle, I can survive any other hurdle that comes my way. The state of despair is temporary. That too shall pass. If this is the worst that is happening to me, surely I believe better days are on their way; if not the best ones. I will ensure that I emerge victorious in my fight with myself. And then, I shall smile. Not a fake one, but a real one. From the bottom of my heart. Meanwhile, I shall just live.
With lots of love,
The confused and lost single girl.