When I Met Myself

‘Hey, where are you going?’

‘Ummm…I have a guitar in my hand. So yes, to my guitar classes.’

‘Dude, but we have a class to attend!’

‘Yes, we have.’ He took a pause. ‘And that’s where I am going.’

‘That wasn't the first time. He was always like that. Someone very different from me, in thoughts, in actions, in every possible way that you can imagine.’

‘Yet you both were best friends!’

'Yes, we were. And we are.'

‘How? You always make friends with someone who you find your reflection in. You are like someone and, so he is your friend. But Kabir was totally different than you. Yet you both were friends!'

‘Yes, he was very different than me. I was nothing like him. But I don’t know when and how we...'

'How long has it been?'

'10 years. Since my parents died.’

‘How did you two meet?’

‘Hey’.  A 12-year old kid in a pair of boxers approached another 12 year old kid sitting alone in a park and watching the others playing football.’

‘Hey. I’m Kabir.’ He progressed his hand as a token of friendship.

‘Hey, I’m talking to you. What you don’t talk!’ He looked at the other kid with a hint of surprise. ‘Oh Shit, shit! You are dumb, you can’t talk. Sorry, sorry. I didn’t know..’

‘I’m not dumb. I can..’ In the blink of the eyes, Kabir jumped a feet back in surprise.

‘You can talk. I mean… I mean you can really talk!’ He was as delighted as if he himself was talking to someone for the first time.

‘What’s your name?‘

‘Bhaskar.’

‘Hi Bhaskar, I am Kabir… again.’ He progressed his hand again with a hope to get a friendly handshake this time. And he did.

‘I liked how lively he was. How he lived every moment of his life. True that he was nothing like me, but he was who I liked. He was who gave my life a reason to live. He was the reason of those bits of happiness, the reason of all the smiles that were on my face even when I wasn't happy with my life.'

‘You were not happy with your life?'

‘No, I wasn't. I could have given up much before had he not been there in my life', he took a deep breath for a few seconds. 'I was just 12 years when my parents died. I had no one in my family. My relatives, who seemed more concerned of my well-being than my parents were, or at least that’s what they always pretended to, disappeared after their death. My uncle came forward only to put me in an orphanage because he was not financially fit to support one more life. Really!

A 12 year who had everything, loses them all in a moment and is made to spend the rest of his life in an orphanage. What to do you expect of him? To be the same lively person that he was?’

‘I can understand, Bhaskar…’

‘No, you can’t. And trust me, no one can. It was Kabir I found solace in then. He was everything that I wanted to be, but couldn’t be. He was the Bhaskar that I wanted to be, but could never be.’

‘What next?’

‘How do they let you go and never question?’ A 16 year Bhaskar asked Kabir what he had in mind for months now.

‘You know Mother D’Souza. She is an angel. She is not like those traditional guardians who feel like engineering or MBBS is the end of the world.

She lets you live your dream. She knows that I want to be a guitarist, I want to start my own band and she allows me to do it. You want to be a…

Hey, what do you want to be? Really, I never asked you this question!’

He left the room without dropping an answer for Kabir, while he kept looking at him disappearing.

‘So you wanted to be a software engineer, Bhaskar?’

‘I didn’t know. I actually didn’t know. I just followed the path my life drove me to. I felt like giving up my life. My life was meaningless. Mother D’Souza asked me if I want to go to school. I didn’t know if I wanted to. But I neither knew what I wanted to, if not go to school. I said yes.

She asked me if I wanted to opt for engineering. Again I had no idea. I was just living my life, don’t know why I even was.

And as I said, I was just walking down the road my life drove me to.’

‘When was the first time you wanted to get over that life and be what you are today?’

‘Hey, fuck! What are you doing?’ Kabir was shocked to see Bhaskar standing on the edge of the rooftop.                                                                        

‘Look at those cars stuck in that traffic, Kabir. They are honking the horns because they want to get out of that traffic, to reach where they want to.

But is that of any use? Unless the road is destitute of the traffic, they can’t really move ahead.

Isn’t our life the same? We want to go somewhere, to achieve something, to be something, but we can’t. We can’t until our fate drives our life that way.

No matter how hard you try, how desperate you are, a slap of fate and your life changes.’

‘That’s bullshit’

‘No that’s not Kabir. Look at me. This is not what I wanted to be. This is not who I ever thought I’d be. I don’t know who I am. This is not me.’

‘This is you Bhaskar’, Kabir stopped him before he could complete. ‘This is totally you. It’s just that you don’t want to accept it. Nothing and no one is stopping you, or ever can  from achieving what you want to, from being what you want to be.

May be you are not the one who wrote your fate. Maybe none of us can write our fate. But it’s us who can change it. It’s us who can turn it the way we want it to be.

I wanted to be a guitarist and I am. No one stopped me from living my dreams. And no one stopped you from doing that either. Oh sorry, or someone did? Yes, you did.’

Bhaskar was actually listening to each and every word that Kabir was saying. Those were the words he wanted to hear. The only difference was that he wanted his inner self to say those words, and not Kabir.

‘True that your life changed drastically with your parents’ death. But you know Bhaskar, everything that happened in your life after that was something that you yourself made happen. You could have chosen any path, the path you wanted your life to go. But instead you let it go the path it was going. You could have become the driver of your fate, but instead you late your fate drive your life.

Ask your inner self what you really want to and do it. You had no one when you lost your parents, but now you have. You have Mother D’Souza, you have a nice partner Ria, and you have me, always.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘He actually was right. I could have become what I wanted to. But I gave up. I lost before I was even in the game. I was weak, weak enough to not live my life, and weak enough not to give my life either. So I thought to give it a try. Give it the shot it deserves. One year since that day and…’

‘And here you are…’ she completed him. ‘But then what’s it that bothers you now?’

‘Kabir. I lost him. I tried to find him everywhere and anywhere he could be, but no luck. I want to tell him that he is the reason for me being me. I am who I am because of him. I owe him.’

‘When was the last time you met him?’

‘The day my band won the award for the best band of the year. I met him before I was leaving for that event, but he disappeared after that.’

‘You tried his number?’

‘Yes, but…’

‘Number does not exists.’

‘His luggage, his belongings, he will come back to your place for that, right?’

‘There is nothing. I couldn’t find a single belonging of his at my place.’

‘You have any photos of him?’

‘I had, but..’

‘But?’

‘But I don’t know when I deleted them. I don’t have any of his photos now with me.’

‘Give me a moment, Bhaskar.’ She left the troubled man there to call someone, only to return after 5 minutes.

‘Bhaskar, I called your orphanage. I called Mother D’Souza.’

‘For?’ He was a little surprised at what was going on.

‘Bhaskar.. there was no Kabir in that orphanage… ever.’

‘What bullshit! He was there, he…he….he..’ Bhaskar wanted to say a lot, but couldn’t complete. Somewhere inside him was a hint of belief on what she was saying.

‘Bhaskar, it was you, all the time. Kabir was no one, but your imagination. The Bhaskar you wanted to be, that was Kabir.

You gave up your life after your parents died. You installed a faith in yourself that your life has changed, but you could never accept that. That’s when Kabir, your imagination came in your life.

You made him live the life that you wanted to. You made him 'the' Bhaskar  that you wanted to be. It was always you Bhaskar.'

‘You mean to say..’

‘I mean to say that, you never met anyone else. You left behind your true self with your parents death and that's when you created Kabir, your imagination. You made him the person you wanted to be, because you were not. But now, now that you have become the Bhaskar you actually wanted to, there is no Kabir.’

'Are you saying that..!' he was a little lost of words there.

'I mean to say that there is no Kabir returning in your life again, ever after.'