The Woman I Lovingly Called "Abbaja"

I was 5 when I had equated summer to elation in my mind. The main reason being that it was the season when I could finally be able to satisfy my greed of quenching on the bright coloured mangoes that grew on the big old mango tree in our backyard. At that young age, it was the little things in life that made me feel utmost blissful. One such little joy of mine was spending time with the woman I lovingly called abbaja, my grandmother. She had wrinkles, an inevitable change brought by old age but she was petite and really beautiful. Her silver wavy hair when left open made her look more pretty to my eyes.

She wore gold-rimmed spectacles, which she would keep adjusting as she read the Gita. 

I had observed as a kid that she was very religious and spent most of her time chanting mantras and talking about God. She used to visit the temple daily and made flower garlands for the deity with utmost dedication, whispering the prayer each time she tied a flower in a knot with the long thread. Even before I was born, she used to tell my mother, "if it's a girl, we will name her Sridevi". I was born on the first day of the Ramayana month, an auspicious day according to the Hindus, while my grandma was reading the narayaneeyam. So when I used to complain to her about why she had chosen an old fashioned name for me, she used to tell me with so much pride and joy, " I had already told your mother that it's a very divine name and when you were born on that special day, I was sure that you were a true blessing from goddess Lakshmi herself. I knew you were a little goddess in disguise". I don't know why but for some reason I repeatedly asked her the same question over and over again, just to hear that same reply from her. My most favourite part of spending time with her was when we used to play and sing countless old Hindi and Malayalam songs together. She had a very sweet melodious voice which I yearned to hear all the time and which I terribly missed when I was away from her. 

My most favourite song of hers was the Malayalam song"Jeevitham enn oru thookkupalam athil jeevikal naam ellam sancharikal ", which translates to" life is like a hanging bridge and we are all travellers on this bridge" in English. It was her who infused my eternal fascination and love for poetry. 

I was also immensely fascinated by her talent of making cute little dolls, traditional lamps and tulsi manch out of little colourful beads. I used to look at the showcase that displayed all her handmade dolls with wonder and admiration in my eyes, sometimes I also cried to get those dolls in my hand which she would let me keep and play with whenever I wanted.

Every single person who saw me with my grandmother used to tell her, "she looks exactly like you, a perfect mini version of you". To which she used to reply, "I'm so glad that she looks like me but I sincerely hope and pray that my child doesn't have the same destiny as mine". I was too young to understand why she said that. I was never really bothered to ask her why she said that. To me, she was my constant companion who was cheerful always and whom I have never seen crying.

Years passed and my father decided to move to another country with me and my mother. I was quite heartbroken. I knew it meant I could no longer be able to see my grandma whenever I wanted, it also meant I wouldn't be able to hear her sing or play with her. I would also not be able to hear her recite the prayers beautifully. I also missed playing with her adorable handmade dolls. I missed her so terribly. I started missing her to such an extent that I didn't find any happiness in playing with kids of my age. The conversations I had with people including my own parents were becoming very limited. Over the years, I became an introvert. I was described as a child, ten years of age, no longer interested in interacting with people or playing with kids of my age but studious and completely consumed by homework assignments and exams and who was always in my own world, completely lost in my thoughts. My teachers used to complain to my mother, "she speaks very little in class. Is there a problem?"

I was used to people labelling me as an "active child turned into an introvert" and I didn't feel like correcting them about the way they thought about me.

One summer vacation in 2012, my dad told us that he had booked tickets for us to India. The excitement inside me knew no boundaries. I could finally get to be with my grandma! I had made up my mind that I wouldn't waste even a single second of those two months by doing anything else and would spend all my time with her. As I reached there, I hugged her tightly. I had become taller than her. All the years, I had clung to her saree seeking her comfort but now she was seeking my comfort as she cried, leaning her head against my chest. I couldn't comfort her, I started breaking down. The emotions I hid all the while, all the days, all the years, rushed to me at that moment. My tears clasped an outburst of suppressed despondency. 

One night, as I was laying on her lap while she slowly caressed my hair, I asked her something that I had always been wanting to ask her forever. 

I asked her why she told people that she was glad that I looked like her but prayed that I didn't have the same destiny as hers. Her face displayed an array of striking emotions, like a cheerful spring that fell into the arms of sombre autumn. 

She broke the silence with a smile and began speaking with the intent of finally letting her inner emotions and sorrowful thoughts take the form of words. "Those days nobody asks for your opinion for your own marriage, the family will fix it and you are obliged to marry the person of their choice without any objections. I was a very carefree and opinionated girl back then, the moment my mother informed me that I am about to get married I straightaway rejected it with a clear 'No'. " She paused, as she transported herself back into that time. 

" When I continued to resist the marriage, my mother silenced me and forcefully made me agree to the marriage. After both my elder children were diagnosed with a rare genetic condition called muscular dystrophy, which has no cure even today, my mother apologized for forcing me into a marriage that I didn't like. What was more challenging for me, however, was facing society and the relatives. Each one had a thousand opinions to tell. My only strengths were my firm belief in God and that both of the children were truly gifted in their own way, I never considered them to be handicapped but differently and uniquely abled, your uncle would even take tutions for the B.com students in our village." Her eyes were glued to the tiny trophies kept on top of the shelf which belonged to my late uncle as she spoke. The huge collection of books on the shelf from all genres that existed in the world ranging from literary fiction, autobiographies, biographies, memoirs to politics and philosophy belonged to him. "He was a very voracious reader and more than that he was very keen on gathering all the knowledge in the world and was truly the owner of extraordinary talents and brilliant mind", something I always heard from all the people who knew him. 

My grandma paused and again continued, "When you are a woman, you have to adhere to society's expectations about you. You are made to see life not how you like to see it but instead how they would like to see it. The world around me expected me to be sad and forlorn all the time. I failed to keep up to their standards and expectations by being truly happy all the time and thus was subjected to their rude judgments and prejudices." 

" I remember I was drowning in sadness when my daughter passed away after one year of my elder son's death and a relative had told me," it's my daughter's wedding, I know your daughter just passed away but please don't cry in front of the relatives and ruin our special day" She finished the conversation with a sigh, as tears welled up in her eyes. The 11-year-old me failed to understand the depth of her emotions carried but I was sure of one thing, my grandmother was severely hurt and I assured her that I'll always be there for her, to which she replied with a tight hug and kiss on my cheek.

Years passed and I had entered into the tumultuous phase of teenagehood. I was loaded with my own little insignificant problems and started seeing less of my grandmother, yet I was attached to her and never missed an opportunity to talk to her, be it through skype or the normal phone calls that I would make without any fail. 

On a summer vacation in 2014, my father had booked tickets for us. My grandmother was more excited and in the phone call, she said " I have marked the date you will come here in the calendar. That's the only thing in my mind right now and I have never felt this much longing to see you ever before in my life". That was the last thing I heard from her. 

After a few days, we got a call from India that she was no more. The journey from my home to the airport and to India still remains a haze. As I reached there, I felt a big lump in my throat. I felt paralyzed, I was cold. My face was pallid and my body was shaking. 

After gathering all of my courage, I finally saw what I never wanted and shunned to see. I found her body laying on the ground, her face was tranquil, she was still very beautiful. Yet, I could see that her face reflected an unfulfilled wish of just being with me and living her life a little more. 

I was unaffected by the sobbing and crying all around. For me, she was a huge part of my life and for her, I was her life. Throughout the rituals, I was robotic. It was only after she was burned to ashes, the realization dawned that my abbaja was no more. I couldn't take it anymore and had no control over my grief. 

The next day, I saw her little dolls on the shelf, but this time they weren't smiling but were woebegone as they knew they will never ever be held by the hands that made them. Their God was gone."

Today when I think about her and her life it's not her destiny that comes to my mind but the bravery she dealt her destiny with. Now when people ask me who I really want to be in life, I tell them with all my heart" I aspire to be a lioness like my grandmother, graceful but strong".