The Voice Of Silence

"Maa" he screamed from the bedroom. It was his time to go to bed, and being a 5 year old child he wanted me by his side.

"Coming"  I replied and went straight to him, sung him lullabies and soon after he was sleeping, maybe dreaming of fairies and super heroes. Sometimes I feel what was his fault? Why do I feel this way? He is innocent, why can't I forget everything and move on? Moving on. Two words, easily said and advised in abundance ; but actually doing it? Actually doing it costs every ounce of energy and courage in your body. Not everyone can afford it because it is difficult to forget the past, the events, the memories, the feelings, the touch- the person. Not only difficult, it's PAINFUL. It's like trying to leave a part of you, your heart, your soul and not trying to get it back. It's like tearing those pages from the book of life, but does anyone know that it is bound by our soul and tearing a page means hurting a part of our soul and hurting means not just a word, it's the excruciating pain you feel in your chest when you are breaking down. Moving on is difficult because erasing memories is. Some memories are carved on our hearts and minds forever. Yes, it was this one memory that haunts me. One incident that changed my life. I was always a shy, quite girl afraid of arguing with anyone, but all of this doesn't matter when you are a 23 year old unmarried girl in India. The groom hunting was at its peak and honestly I wasn't bothered much. It was my parents who had to select one and I knew I wasn't going to disagree with their choice. After a lot of searching, testing and grinding there was this guy. A typical husband material- good looking, well settled, charming and all, back then I didn't know he was so good of an actor too. Mom and dad liked him and I was a nervous wreck not capable enough to judge him and as I said I won't disagree I say yes to him. I got married. Everything was so fairytale like, but then I forgot that all that glitters is not gold. The night came, what we call it as- suhagraat. The most special moment for a girl. The night she will never forget and she doesn't wants to either. And it was the same for me as well, I wanted it to be memorable but it turned out to be unforgettable. I was sitting there on the beautifully decorated bed. The fragrance of the roses taking over my senses  . The delicacy of the moment getting onto my nerves .  And my heart racing hard . Anxious about the moments to come, the door knob turned breaking my chain of thoughts. And there he was , my life partner, maybe my love, my best friend, my companion. He came and sat next to me and took off my ghunghat. Don't know why I suddenly became very nervous by the way he did that. Just so quick and feeling less . Just like a formality. Maybe I was the one expecting too much. But at the same time I started regretting my decision or maybe I could have tried to talk to him more. I could have tried to know him more. But even he didn't try to contact me even once. Why did we never exchange numbers? Why all the arrangements were by our parents and we never discussed a word? After my moment of doubts I again looked at him, taking clothes from the cupboard he was going to the bathroom to change. Was he being distant or is he just tired? At least a small conversation would have comforted me. Maybe watching all romantic movies have set high expectations. He came back in his pyjamas and tee shirt and I still clad in the heavy lehenga and the jewellery. He sat beside me took my hand in his hand, oh my god what a tickling feeling it was. I was letting that feeling sink deep inside me when I realised he was kissing my neck. I panicked. My whole body was set on a rage. I didn't want this to go on any further. I wasn't ready for it. Not just so soon. I don't even know him properly, how can I just...

"Take off your jewellery." He said with intense look in his eyes. I was afraid what he was going to do me. I was afraid of how will I stop this. I was afraid how will I go through this. I was so afraid that I didn't speak. I didn't oppose. I didn't do anything to stop it. I regret it now. It was when I turned towards the mirror to take them off that his hands started tracing there way on my bare waist. Those rough hands moving on every inch of my skin made me cringe. But he didn't notice. He continued undressing me, and soon after he pushed me to bed caressing every part of my body. It felt disgusting. His touch made me feel filthy. He kissed he touched he was inside me, deep in and all I could feel was pain, disgust and rage. Yes he had sex. It wasn’t we it was just him in the act. He didnt see my pain. I never before felt so used, so dirty, so polluted. It was so painful. I can feel my insides go numb. And my legs shaking. The tears in my eyes tried to soak my pain but couldn't. How could he do this to me? I decided to talk to him in the morning about all this. But it was all in vain. When I tried to explain to him that I wasn't comfortable about last night he said "you have to be now. You are married and sex is a part of it. You have to take it as it is. I have that right over you." Those words echoed in my ears for days and years to come. They haunted me when i was alone. They made me realize that I couldn't get rid of all this. After that day he came back home to warm food and warmer bed. It was always him, his fantasies and a dead me on the bed. My tears, my pain didn't have any prevalence. Every night a part of me died. Suffocated under him. Why didn't i complaint to my parents? I couldn't. Before coming here my mom had given me hour long sessions on how this place is my new home now and how I will try to adjust instead of complaining. Honestly, this is just an excuse. An excuse to comfort my broken heart that I isn’t my fault. An excuse to play the blame game, but the truth was I was afraid. Afraid to speak up. In a society where sex has so much stigma around it how could I speak about such things. It would be so embarrassing to discuss my sex life with my family or friends. And above everything he won. All this went on for about an year. Every night. But my life took a 360 degree turn when the next very unexpected thing happened. I got pregnant. Yes i was pregnant. That feeling only a woman can know how it feels when you know you are mommy to be. That excitement that happiness. Nervousness. Anxiousness. It is a roller coaster of emotions. I felt now everything would be alright. Maybe this was the change awaiting me. I wanted to tell all of this to him. He came home at night and when I told him he got all furious and shouted " if you are kidding or playing a prank stop right there. It is not funny." Too afraid to reply I just told him I wasn’t and the expression on his face turned from anger to pure shock "how can this happen I used protection" saying this he just went out and didn't return till late night. I was shattered. Broken. Helpless. But all this made me strong. Strong enough to take my baby's stand. I won't let my baby fall to his feet. I dont my baby to have a father like him. The wife in me had failed but the mother, she was strong, strong enough to stop. Yes I left. I left that place, I left him, I left my old self. I am happy, I am bold and I am strong enough to take care of my son. Sometimes I get afraid that rohan is afterall his blood but at the time I promise myself to fight all odds and raise him to be a gentleman. I won't let any other girl suffer from what i went through. All I have learnt is yes marital rape does exist but a girl has to be strong enough to raise her voice and fight.