It Wasn't Your Fault

"Anu, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to tell you that my robot tore your 2013 diary," said Aayu in an appealing tone.

Aayu is Anasuya's 12-year-old grandson. While Anasuya's grandmother taught her 'A for Apple' showing her a full apple, Anu taught Aayu 'A for Apple' showing him a bitten apple. Aayu likes to call his grandmother by her name because he says his name is synchronous to hers.

"I kept asking dad to buy me another robot. This one doesn't take my instructions properly. I asked it to damage my 2013 diarens and see how it heard, searched, and damaged your 2013 diary!" He continued disappointed.

"It's okay. I remember every moment of that year like it just happened," she said. He smiled and gave her a peck on her cheek.

"By the way, what's a diaren?" Anu asked intrigued.

"It's a chip used to record one's feelings for something. A tiny chip. Every feeling is apportioned into 32 different chips. See, this is one," he said showing her an object which must be the size of a dust particle. She had to put on her microscopic specs to take a gander at that.

"Nice," she said, pretending like she understood what Aayu said. Anu asked him no questions because she probably felt she wouldn't understand the answers. After he left, she sat there trying to contemplate something or just trying to walk into the past.

"Anu, Anu! There's one more 2013 diary!" He exclaimed.

"Yeah, I know," she said walking into his room.

But for the first page, every other page in the diary is filled with only one line- 'It wasn't your fault'.

She smiled and tried to collect the papers of the torn diary which were lying there waiting for her to pick them up.

The date on the first paper she picked up read - 2nd January 2013. She lied down on the floor and started reading.

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"You're such a shame to us. Take whatever you want and leave home," my dad declared.

"Dad, don't believe Sharon uncle's words. He.."

Before I could say anything else, he interrupted saying, "Just get lost, I say."

It took time for me to absorb what he said. But I knew I had to react quickly. I calmly took my belongings, left home, and started walking.

Dad's words stabbed my heart. That one person whom I thought would be there for me, no matter what, just left me ridiculously.

I don't know where to go.

"You can go to Karthikeya's hostel which is just a 15-minute walk away. The rent is not a big thing for you. You earn well. The hostel is not untidy and the food is good. Take a left turn here," she said.

She is my inner voice. My alter ego. My best friend.

I obliged her like I always do.

The third house on the left is Senapathi Raja's house. Senapathi is the local MLA. Their family is the richest in our colony. Every morning, his daughter does Yoga on their house's terrace. I know it because my mom keeps comparing me with her. Both of us are 23. She is physically attractive. I am not. She isn't good at studies. I am.

Passing by their house, I saw her stretching her body and I smiled. Every time I see her, I smile and she reciprocates. And it ends there.

We never talk. This time, it was different. She didn't smile. She didn't talk. Instead, she rushed inside and called her mom. They both looked at me, whispered something, and gave me a nauseating look.

"Ignore them," said she.

Though I couldn't, I pretended that I did and walked on with the wheeling suitcase.

I reached Karthikeya's hostel after walking for ten more minutes.

Amidst the intriguing and awkward stares, I walked into the office room.

"Good Morning, Ma'am! Could you please tell me if there are any vacant rooms?" I asked pleasantly.

"Oh! You? I hope you know that we don't give rooms to impure girls like you," The warden said.

"Don't comment. Just leave silently," The inner voice said.

I obliged again and left the place. I sprinted to the nearby park and sat under a tree.

Adrenaline rushed through my veins. Tears were waiting to come out.

"Don't cry. It was not your fault. I don't want to see even a single tear. Just don't," said she (My inner voice)

"The warden... The warden…!" I sighed and continued, "I can't..! I just can't take it anymore," I said and burst into tears.

"I want to die. Right here!"

"Okay. But just answer my one question. Just one!" She said.

I remained silent.

"Was it your fault?"

"No," I said without giving a thought. I knew that it wasn't my fault.

"Okay, I just wanted to ask that one question. You may die now. Meet you in the heavens."

I cried louder. I got reminded of the to-do list I wrote when I was ten.

I didn't want to die.

"It wasn't your fault," I said to myself.

I opened my diary and wrote, 'It wasn't your fault', in block letters.

I wrote it again. And again. I wrote it till the ink in my pen and the papers in the diary got over without looking anywhere except the book.

After scribbling, I looked up only to find out a little boy staring at me and my book.

He has curly hair like how George does.

"Why are you writing that it's not your fault again and again? Why are you crying?" He asked.

I smiled in response.

"Mommy always tells me that one should never cry for something one is not guilty of," He said trying to wipe my tears.

I looked at him in awe. This little boy knows so much more than me.

"Mommy also says that one should fight till the end."

Few words are so powerful that they can change your life. This boy's words were so.

I wiped my tears, grinned, and hugged the boy tight.

"Thank you!" I said hugging tighter.

He smiled and ran back to his mom who was waiting for him.

I gathered all the courage, got up, and went back to the hostel.

I went straight to the office. This time, I don't know if everyone around stared at me. I didn't care.

"Why did you come ag..," the warden began telling something.

Before she could continue, I confidently said, "It wasn't my fault."

She got up from the chair and looked at me with her mouth open. Yes, exactly like how they show in movies.

"I repeat, it wasn't my fault. Could you please stop staring at me and tell me if there are any rooms vacant?" I said with the utmost confidence on my face.

She silently handed me one of the rooms' keys and instructed her assistant to take me to the room.

After I put all my belongings on shelves, I called up my boss to tell him that I wanted to cancel my ten-day leave which I said I would take, the previous day and told him that I would be coming to the office the next day.

I went to the washroom, showered myself, cleaned all the bruises, and got ready to sleep.

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The 70-year-old folded the 2nd January 2013 paper carefully and started picking up the other torn papers. Few were torn into pieces while few were torn into halves and few others were just detached from the diary.

"Take me to my room," Anasuya asked the Google wheelchair. She was quite acquainted with smart wheelchairs by now. But diarens sounded new to her because she had never heard of them when she was young.

She took both the diaries to her room. While trying to carefully put the diaries on the shelf, the untorn diary fell down sliding.

She opened it and started reading that only page written.

1st January 2013: Read the date. She started reading it on.

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Every New Year, I write tons of things and take dozens of resolutions and note them all in my diary. However, this time, it was different. I don't remember anything other than the thing that happened a few hours ago. I don't want to write anything else. I've nothing else to write.

George called me in the morning to tell me that he'd introduce me to his parents. He told me that he wanted to tell his parents that he likes me and wants to get married to me. I was excited about the meeting.

I met George in my college. Being the reserved girl that I was, all I used to do was going to college and coming back. I made no good friends.

Our plan was to meet his parents and convince them. His parents are quite open-minded. George keeps telling me this. But somewhere deep inside I was tensed.

Tying a beautiful sari and decorating myself the best I can, I went to George's home at 6:00 P.M.

Setting my hair and trying to look as pleasant as possible, I knocked on the door.

George opened the door.

"Hey, how am I looking? Fine? Will your parents like me?" I asked.

He just stared at me and didn't respond.

"What?"

"You... You looking so sexy"

I winked and stepped into his house.

"Where are your parents?" I asked.

He told me that they must be on their way and locked the door.

He kept staring at me. His stares seemed perverted than romantic.

I got a little self-conscious then and asked him how long it'd take for his parents to come.

"You looking so sexy," he repeated.

"George? Why are you acting so creepy? Are you drunk?"

He didn't respond. Instead, he came close to me and tried to kiss me.

"George.. George.. Just stop coming closer" I hit him and tried to run towards the house entrance.

He dragged me to the sofa and tried to strip my clothes.

After countless unsuccessful attempts to move away, I gave up and started begging him to leave me. I tried to remind him that I'm his girlfriend.

He didn't listen and slapped me, raped me, left me naked, and fell asleep.

Everything fell apart at that moment. It took little time for me to believe what happened. Life would've been so good if everything we can't believe were lies. I was just numb. My body wouldn't move. I lied there naked for fifteen minutes crying continuously.

I glanced surroundings and realized that I had to put my clothes on and leave immediately.

I left home and dared to file a complaint in the nearby police station. Just when I was returning from the police station, I saw George going inside. Scared, I covered myself with the bag in my hand.

"Go inside and find out why he came there," she said.

She is my inner voice. My soul. My alter ego. My best friend.

I obliged her like I always do.

I went inside only to find out George bribing the cop.

I silently walked out knowing that all I could do was staying calm.

I walked back home deciding not to tell my family about anything and everything that just happened.

I stepped into the home only to find out my sister crying loudly and telling me that I shouldn't have done what I did.

Shocked, I asked her what she was talking about.

"It seems Sharon uncle saw you making love with George on road. He called on the landline and told me that many others saw it. You shouldn't have done that. I don't know how to tell mom and dad about this." She said crying.

Sharon uncle is the cop to whom I complained. He knows my dad because they both attended college together. He's known for spreading every rumor like wildfire.

I cried louder and explained to her what all happened and told her not to tell mom and dad about anything. We both hugged each other, cried, and slept.

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Anasuya closed the 2013 untorn diary and tore it into pieces.

She looked quite nauseatic while reading this diary. Now, she looks broken.

"Aayu, Aayu!" She called him.

"Yeah, Anu?"

"What do you mean by destroying diarens? Can I erase all those feelings and memories from my mind?"

"Yes. But you can never get them back."

"Can I try it?"

"Yes, take this one and place it on your scalp."

He gave her a round metal that looks similar to a steel plate.

"Now, think of all those feelings and memories. It'll automatically record all those feelings."

Cautiously placing the metal on her scalp, she stayed calm. She probably tried to think of things she just read and every other thing she didn't write but experienced.

After a while, she said, "Done!"

He took the plate and examined it.

"89254 diarens. Oh my God! So many?" He asked.

She smiled and asked him how she could destroy them.

"Just call the robot and say, 'Destroy those 89254 diarens' Make sure you're clear." He said.

She followed whatever he said.

"Every feeling corresponding to those diarens, destroyed. Over." The robot said.

"What feelings?" She asked.