Read a tale of endurance, will & a daring fight against Covid. Click here for "The Stalwarts" by Soni Shalini.
Read a tale of endurance, will & a daring fight against Covid. Click here for "The Stalwarts" by Soni Shalini.

I Feel I Don’t Fit Anywhere

I Feel I Don’t Fit Anywhere

18 mins


So to begin with, let me help you with my introduction. By the way with the word ‘intro”, remember I no way mean discussing my name, place of residence, D.O.B, current designation, qualifications, etc. or any other irrelevant information.

Trust me, I am literally fed up of passing on these facts & figures which only decides one’s market value & position in this world’s career-oriented game. I have had enough of it now and I guess you are done with it too, aren’t you? Therefore, for once let’s leave all this behind and unveil a beautiful journey that will surely make our faces lit with a smile bringing in rays of positivity & light in the homes filled with darkness at the story’s end.

Henceforth, getting back on the main usual track I will clue you that I am here just to make you known with an inner self who is in search of a place. A place where she feels she fits apt, a place to which she instantly connects, the place where her soul belongs as if she herself was always a part of it since the times in history it was found and created.

You must be wondering now what am I talking about, who this inner self is. So, let me enlighten you on this subject that this person is none other than me. And this is all about narrating my life changing experiences to remind each one of us that no matter how tough the situation is we should never give up and deviate ourselves from paths of buoyancy.

Well to be honest, if by any chance you are here considering that I have fought tooth & nails to get this story flawless I would proudly brag, this isn’t the case. I have always believed that every one of us is a writer of their own story. And it’s not the skills that matter here but the passion to express and determination to take out time in this busy scheduled life is something which truly plays the trick. Thus, I have merely penned down the happening in the most unaltered, simple anecdote form making justice to the emotions which goes like this.

Please be patient and groove to the emotions enjoying this piece.

I am a simple girl yet a very different one from every other in this world.

Since my childhood I have always been one of the back benchers; not ready to participate in any of the activities because I lacked confidence and had the fear of losing which is actually termed as ‘atychiphobia’, if you know, like most of the other children. I preferred staying away in my comfort zone without carrying any regrets in my heart while I saw others grabbing the opportunities & walking an extra mile to shine in the crowd like a diamond cause this wasn’t even nearby similar to what I had always dreamt for myself.

I was okay with what I was and never craved for any kind of betterment even when my parents vehemently wanted me to blossom into magical flowers & leave behind my other companions reaching heights of success.

You must be pondering now where & why the difference lies. So, let me apprise you the fact that the only reason behind all of it was my unconditionally dreamy nature back then. I had my own world of isolation where only few could reside, away from this world a place where I was protected from unpleasant vibes. Anyway, a bit realistic you may think of me now because I guess I haven’t changed much when it comes to being practical & performing matureness. You will still find impressions of childishness on my skin if anytime you plan to trace.

Well even now I hesitate, restricting myself when it comes to opening up to many & mostly believe in talking a little less. However, unlike the former when it comes to thinking I never ever go on without over intellectualizing matter's each and every aspect. So, a keen observer & an over-thinker is exactly what you will call me right away. But, hey listen I am just a wanderer spending my days & nights imprisoned in the dungeon of thoughts waiting to be released by acts of love & kindness.

Coming to the point, look neither I am the usual one who used to take interest in reading & writing articles, stories, quotes or poetries since a very young age, nor it flows in my blood passed on by my ancestors since the day in my mother's womb I got created.

I always considered myself a random member of the general clan. And only if I could sooner realize I am the leader, the fighter born to defeat the demons feeding on the angel’s blood and rule the land; I would have saved what all has been lost over the years in this legendary battle of survival with phrases possessing powers to heal & rejuvenate the shattered humans.

This world won't believe I know because even I don't till date. But to be honest with you girls and guys it just came to me like some magic one midnight when I had expected it less. Though great philosophers say expectations come into existence when there lies any hope inside you somewhere but it was surely not this much stereotypical in my case because it had aimed at molding my entire life this time to a different, rare shape.

To conclude it must have been understood by now that I don't have connections with any kind of literature and language. I somehow used to write just to score good passing marks in my English tests and all I’m connected with are only things like feelings, emotions and goodness.

So come on, now let me reveal the main character & introduce you to the person because of whom the entire effect took place. The effect that cured a dying, an almost dead soul with elixir bringing it back to life; the effect which was no less than the big bang theory according to me in the histories of science.

You get it, we actually never know. Sometimes, people who don’t hold much importance in our lives and aren’t meant to stay forever are capable of gifting presents which we will be cherishing forever until the time we are ready to depart from this world lying on the death beds.

That guy you know he came like a messiah for me, although no super powers he possessed but he had the appropriate power to bring out the best in me. No please don't consider him as my love-interest or some random acquaintance suddenly turning into one best friend. He was just very special, he is very special even now and I don't want to spoil it by giving out our relationship those stupid tags.

So one usual night I guess around 2 o'clock when we were just engrossed in ourselves discussing our daily routines, out of nowhere there comes a request from his side "Try writing something for me". I believed it was some random unusual jest he cracked so I shook it off immediately from my head and the topic of conversation flowed to some other level.

But you know, there was something that struck my mind, "Something! Yes, something!" I named it because I never found words to describe it right. And, the very next minute I changed my mind and decided to give it a try even when I knew since the beginning writing was never and can be never my cup of tea in this lifetime. I would fail in it, my mind roared but the heart consoled me by saying that the effort is what will matter and help me win it all. So, I wished him good-bye planting a hope in his heart's barren land to grow, mature freely and wait for the time when I fulfill his request completely.

Well like always, I was scared and feared it all. Unlike the other times, I had really wanted him to stay back that night, supporting & helping me out whenever & wherever I was about to fall. And before I could ask him out, he replied a good-bye too & in a moment dozed off. To be honest, I was disappointed for a while but I understood for him this wasn’t something great or unusual. He was too tired to even allow a second thought to enter his mind after his never ending hectic schedule so I decided to let go off that thought immediately and went back to the writing stuff.

I was lying on the bed with closed eyes, thoughts and opinions just wandering in my head about him loosely and within secs, words started coming one after another at a high frequency. Effortlessly I soon jotted down a 20 lines poetry as if it had already been formulated and was ready to share, just waiting to be discovered by someone or me at the correct time and place plainly.

To whom it seemed difficult to frame even one liner correctly, this was an achievement for lifetime trust me. It amazed me how perfectly every word, every emotion got portrayed so right and how could this little over thinker finally detangle herself from the mess of thoughts & managed to write.

To the world I feel it wouldn’t have appeared so mesmerizingly brilliant & bright, nevertheless for me it was as much as getting jewels discovered by the indigents in bags of rags & scraps making their lives. Though the achievement was mountainous which allowed the pillars of confidence to grow strong inside me and grasp me tight, the nervousness didn't miss a chance & came behind. But there was something much more than these insecurities which was still holding me in place. Yes, the excitement to forward him this piece itself had took entire control over me making me go crazy like hell.

Well, leave him for a while now I know somewhere you are eager too to read it, right? Aren’t you? So, here it is. Prior to it, if you have already set the level high let me notify you it may just fall in the lowest category so, in case you don’t find it worth reading I beforehand apologies.


Staring at the wall, thinking about you

Smile across the face my heart says I am missing you.

I know you are asleep dreaming about me

Dead to alive, everything is magical just believe in me.

The night has gone, wake up it’s time to shine.

A new day, a new challenge,

I know you will complete in time.

Good days will come, hard-work will pay off

Such a great hotelier you are, how can you get a day off.

Caring, loving, pure-hearted I see,

You are the perfect saviour to me.

I know I may seem a fairy tale to you now,

But simply consider me an angel who has come just to protect you from the demon’s mouth.

And for now, keeping my fingers crossed

Last but not the least I would like to say

“I hope you and me last forever because nothing has helped me escape the reality ever, my dearest dear.”

So, it wasn’t that great, was it?? I guess ‘No’. Relax I can completely relate you don’t need to act or pretend. At times when I also go back & read it now I also feel I was just trying to rhyme words & sentences.

But somewhere I feel for the first timers it was pretty good, don’t you think so? Come on, I can’t set an example of a disaster crushing down all their expectations & hopes at once & even you shouldn’t do it ever. They are the ones who deserve a round of applause for the efforts & dedication so far they have shown, right? Haven’t they inspired & motivated so many around, after all?

However, put this aside for now. There is a lot to be disclosed so let’s just flow back to that moment and continue with the tale to reach our final destination.

I couldn't wait for the sky to be painted with sun rays therefore I left him a simple text and went off to sleep as I had my exam next day. I can confidently say I woke up that day to one of the most beautiful mornings I lived during the journey of my entire existence till date. You must be wondering now and imagining what was the segment all about, how the complete picture looked like hence, let me lead you to the right path so you can live that moment and get your souls slayed. It wasn't some mesmerizing scenic landscape but the inner beauty and happiness of souls untouched by this world I witnessed that took my heart away.

He was left astonished by this act, for his eyes couldn't believe that on this planet ruled by self-centered humans anyone could ever take him and his talks this damn seriously.

With each passing day, I was much more immersed in the art of writing than the previous day not concerned about where it was taking me but about getting opportunities to express him the feelings and emotions exactly my way. You guys won't believe how easy it became for me to handle every situation between us be it a good one or a bad one by this talent he discovered in me. My writings started having a tremendous impact on him much more than anyone could believe, brought us closer than the time and spaces of our lives allowed and our relationship flourished.

Life is a journey of ups and downs for each one no matter how vastly they are alike. Thus, I believe everyone out here is conversant with this fact that none can deny & leave behind. So, by now I felt for too long I had enjoyed the upper curves in the graph of my life's history so I knew the time had come where I had to drop down to the lower curves facing the consequences to maintain a balance in it.

Soon, winds of my life changed abruptly and I could tell that a storm was looming waiting to destroy what I had created with my dedication and hard work severely. Dark clouds of sorrow and misfortune gathered all over my mind, my eyes rained heavily as he left without informing me to never come back in the future time. This disappearance of good times had messed me up so bad, just not emotionally but even mentally that I not only pushed away everyone who put in their best to get me out of it but also couldn’t resist becoming angry.

I wasn't ready to accept this situation at all. According to me, my pillar of strength, ‘he’, had demolished how could my soul bear the burdens of this mishap and avoid falling off. Despite all of this, I continued to live but my body functions had slowed down and with no signs of positivity coming to me from anywhere I had lost interest in everything around. I guess I was upset, irritated, frustrated, helpless, or maybe numb which somehow resulted in the wrong functioning of all of my virtuous receptors making me lose the soul’s consciousness.

Sometimes, I used to lie down on the bed just like some corpse being still and numb staring at the walls without realising that I had spent endless hours carrying out this useless activity in the run. While at other times, I just used to let the pain take control over me, I cried and yelled till the time my tears dried off and compelled me to sleep.

This commotion, then had become a part of my daily routine life, which wasn't much like what we practically call "a real life". I wanted to shut it off as soon as I could but with my hands entwined in the webs of pessimism I just couldn’t form a series of new networks. Hence, I chose time to revitalize the fragments that died within me granting me a second chance, patiently waiting to welcome a new propitious beginning even when I firmly believed deep down that I don’t belong with him, I don’t belong here and nowhere in the society.

Meanwhile, I had already enclosed myself in shells of depression & darkness at this moment for forever and had decided not to allow anyone to break this protective covering of mine & possibly enter. I also used to pour out all my sentiments in the notes section installed in my cell phone simultaneously cause I didn't believe in discussing my problems with any other human, I knew they wouldn’t understand even a bit of it & moreover, the decision that I had already made & was fully determined about I wasn’t ready this time to even move an inch from it.

Well, you know how beneficial this leisure activity turned out to be, the only one I used to perform in the entire day calmly? On one side, the unpleasant thoughts left my soul and mind to give the body functions some rest while on the other side, the emotions got stored behind the secured and safest door to be revisited sometime later when the heart wanted a simple memory rewind of the darkest moments.

Slowly and steadily, I had started recovering. After, days & nights the sun rays & the moonshine could finally peep into the shells gradually making it fall to bits & pieces. Brushing against my soul these beams of radiance had finally moved my heart in ages. And, I could tell a transformation of a lifetime was about to take place.

Ultimately, I could see new doors of opportunities & happiness coming in my way; and for a change instead of slamming them I was somewhere in depth constructing myself to welcome it with gratefulness. Somehow, I had partially accepted then that some wounds can never be healed & some voids can never be filled no matter how hard we try. And it is pretty normal to be injured & feel empty at times cause these factors play no roles in our character’s judgement at any point of time. Believe me it isn’t easy to implement it in our lives as easy it may seem here to just convey a basic lesson by writing the lines. It is tougher than you & me can imagine & to be honest I am still working to fully accept it.

Later in life, I was almost wholly adapted to these changes. The unwillingness to communicate with the world was gone. And at times I started feeling the need to interact with people around too so I started uploading those secret notes on various writing applications and pages. Surprisingly, my phone started to get flooded with innumerable notifications almost every day. With some notifications came likes, followers and with others came feedbacks, appreciations just like some rays of lights wanting to guide me home in whole lot of darkness after a long time making me feel blessed.

In a short time the confidence in me grew to a next level. For the very first time I proved myself that I could survive without any attachments and can be an independent traveller in this life’s game so unpredictable. Therefore, I started writing more and more with time leaving the world, my people and all relations behind.

I no longer craved for people’s touch & affection. I had moved on maybe. Though, I am not sure about it even now but I had finally realized over time then that I no longer had to carry the weight of this world on my shoulders. I was never made for it.

For the girl, who had long back forgotten how to enjoy & smile had not only set the curves of everyone’s lips right to showcase a dynamic smile but also casted a spell in the air to let the magic fill everyone’s hearts with lights this time. And after all of it you won’t believe all I could see the next moment was this universe turning into nothing but the beauty I found in my writing & me.

The love that I received from this field, this industry made me love myself, a mission that no one ever in my life could successfully accomplish. Not even the ones for whom I risked my life without giving it a thought wisely.

So I decided to stop pouring all my heart & affection to the people for whom my existence was never a concern, neither is nor will ever be. I reminded myself I am worthy of the love too that I gave to everyone else & this time planned to invest in me.

And I am finally happy to know that there exists a world & I am glad that I found it. The world which wholeheartedly empathizes with me at no cost of taking away my dignity. The world that I chose for myself now, I guarantee have so far bring out the best version of me. And that is the sole reason now I understand why earlier I felt I didn’t fit with anyone, anywhere. And why I still feel I don’t at times but when it comes to poetry and all the writing I felt I did and I feel I will always do because I know it will never break my heart. I know it will never go away leaving me.

Despite all this for being on the safe side I would still always prefer keeping my fingers crossed because this life you see is full of uncertainties and I can’t take a chance of risking it all.

Now you know, sometimes the way we look upon things; our perspectives may not be technically right. What we consider an end maybe now might turn out to be the beginning of something great in the near future & the departure of the ones we deeply love may lead to the arrival of someone who will stay in our lives forever. We might feel we don’t belong here at times but in the coming times we will surely find a place where we will fit apt. Until then, please don’t give up. Look we never know what the future holds for us so please stop pre-assuming things based on your past experiences. Let go & free yourself from this life’s stress to begin all over again. We all only have one life to live so embrace everything that comes your way & live it to the fullest. It isn’t only about us but also about the one who brought us in this world, right? And remember I don’t assure about how lengthy this tunnel of darkness will turn out to be but I promise at the end we will surely find peace of lights. Come on this story is in an evidence of things eventually falling into place emerging out to be perfectly right.

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