How Blue Is My Sapphire

Dinner is served: two bowls, one containing chicken breast with vegetables, the other having beef stew. A bit too much for a dog, you say? Quite enough, I reckon.

I lap it up quickly for both are amongst my favorites. It is now time to hit the sack. It was a long day today and I'm pretty tired. Hours of playing fetch with the master, followed by the usual chasing after the wicked pigeons. (Bloody rascals! How dare they enter 'my' house!). Pretty tiresome, I say, for I'm not that quick as I used to be when I was younger. A golden retriever, with silky golden brown hair, shiny black eyes - I was a complete keeper. Now that I come to think of it, that was probably why the master had selected me in spite of having a hundred other dogs to choose from at the dog shelter. But that was then. Now, I am just a bag of bones, hardly able to run around like I used to. My time, I can sense, is just round the corner. My 'replacement' has already been brought in. (A puny Beagle. Like seriously?

I yawn repeatedly, my body's way of telling me to shunt off to my comfortable bed but I would not. At least not before my walk. Every night before nodding off, I walk around the balcony under the moonlight and whenever I get tired, I sit in the open courtyard and gaze at the stars. I like that - watching those innumerable shimmering dots of light miles away from us. More often than not, I sense a feeling of familiarity watching them and I am taken to a faraway land - my previous life.

I was born a human in that life. Born in a family subjected to extreme poverty, luxury was something we could not afford. Amma (that is what a mother in that part of the country is called) was a woman of absolute strength and resolve and would work day and night to ensure that at least I was able to get three square meals a day. I would often stare at the stars like I do now. Old habits, it seems, do not die at all.

"What are those, Amma?" I would often ask her, my small fingers pointing towards the sky.

"Those," she would say, "are people like your Appa, who have left the world. Those who leave become these."

"Are these real people?" I would ask, bewildered.

 "Yes."

"But they look like blue stones..."

"Because they are very far away from us."

"Why are some of them shining more than the others?"

"Those which shine more are good people and those which shine less are bad ones."

"Amma, what are blue stones called?"

"Sapphires"

"Your sapphire will be the shiniest one, Amma."

As I grew up, I came to terms with the existence of stars and the real reason behind they glowing. Although in front of Amma, I would still playfully call them 'Sapphires'. Yes, it was true that if Amma were to be a star, she would shine the brightest but if it were to be me, I would be the most dull looking, dead star you could ever see for I did something in my previous life that I am still very ashamed of, even after one whole life.

Time had gone by and very soon I was a teenager. The hormones had started to kick in. I had taken fancy to a girl named Jaya who lived in the same village as mine and must have been 4-5 years older than me. Oh, and by the way, by taking fancy I mean obsessive stalking. I was totally smitten by her - her angelic face, beautiful, curvy body, and her sweet, innocent eyes and don't be mistaken, it was not love, it was just pure lust. I would stalk her from dawn till dusk, lurking behind her, following her wherever she went and sometimes even touching her on some pretext or the other. There was something about her that worked up my testosterone and made it rise up with even the slightest smell of hers. This was until I decided to do away with the stalking and give in to my mind's satanic wishes.

It was the time around Pongal when I gave in to my guilty pleasure in a drunken stupor. 

A friend of mine had arranged country made liquor for the both of us but the intoxicant soon overtook the control of us. With my friend knocked off due to its effect, I decided to find Jaya, which did not take long.

She was drawing water from a well located outside the village. It was already dark and there was no one in sight. Perfect opportunity.

I crept up behind her and pulled her towards the woods, one hand on her mouth and the other on her waist. I dragged her along till we were deep into the woods. 

"You are mine!" I screamed, the alcohol had clearly taken over my mind.

Then, I disrobed her and proceeded to indulge in some, according to me at that time, 'pleasurable acts'. She resisted and tried to throw me off balance but I was just too strong for her. For a few minutes, she flapped her arms around shaking me in the process, as if to shake the boy that I was out of the beast that was on top of her. She soon collapsed, unconscious and it was then that it dawned on me that I had done something terrible. I cast a glance at her, she lay motionless. Leaving her there, I made a run for it.

“Faster!” I remember ordering myself, panic-stricken.

 I had barely made it past the woods when I tripped on a stone and fell down, my head taking the full blow of the impact with the well's outer edge. My head started spinning; my face was covered with blood. I tried to stand up with all my might but couldn't. I tried crawling and managed to cover a few more steps. By then, my body had given up. I laid there and that is all I can recount of my previous life.  

The next thing I remember was being born as a pup at the dog shelter. I respected God's decision to grant me a new life and his choice of my new form too, for I had done such terrible things in the past. What I found to be unusually weird was the fact that I could remember my previous life pretty clearly. The older I got, the more I was able to remember about my previous life.

My new life, as a dog, was the complete opposite of the earlier one. I was adopted by a well to do family and was introduce to various 'pooch' luxuries (Dog soap, dog shampoo and heck, even a dedicated 'dog-servant!). All of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am. I am and always have been someone who never gave a thought about something that took place in the past. Introduced to such an easy and comfortable life, I had quite quickly forgotten the life I used to lead at the village. Nevertheless, it always stayed at the back of my mind (Especially during the routinely night walks, you see). I had become the family's favorite. The gruesome memories about that incident near the well had all but vanished completely from my mind, until my visit to the veterinary clinic after today's play session. The vet had examined me with a somber face and soon was discussing my fate with the master. It so turned out that I had only one day left to live the remainder of my new life (Cancer. Us retrievers are very prone to it.). And at that exact moment, the whole of my two lives flashed right before my eyes. Two very, very different ones. And it was now only that I decided to retrospect about them. I thought about Amma, I thought about Jaya and that day near the well, I thought about the dog shelter, the master and the dog treats I would be offered whenever I was a 'good boy'. Nothing of that would matter after today, or will it? (I am half hoping that God does not play another of his cruel games and makes me remember these two lives along with making me live out the third one!)

I now stand, on all my paws, staring into the space, at the stars. They've already started fading away as a new day beckons (Unfortunately, it is going to be my last.). They are still the same 'Sapphires', blue in color. As I wait for my death for the second time, I think to myself, "How blue would my sapphire be now?”