Holes

Becoming an adult is hard. It's not always about you anymore. All your friends have their other halves so you don't want to bother them for late-night talks when you're lonely, so you keep scrolling through your contact list and find no one you can truly confide in 'cause everyone's just busy with their lives. While some people out there ignoring your calls and texts calling you a bother doesn't make it all the easier. You don't want to think you're abandoned and unwanted 'cause you're too grown up to run to your Papa in tears. Just suck it in and let the day pass. Maybe something might pop up out of the blue, you never know. Right?

You boisterously take credit for saving someone close to you during their darkest days, and it's all smiley emojis and happy times. Remembering them tell you they'd be there for you when you've lost too, but casual conversations turn into major fights 'cause it turns out you've been tricked; nobody wants to deal with a person having mental issues. So you're left alone. Survive or die, it's on you.

"Why're you acting this way?"

"You've changed."

"You weren't like this before."

"It seems like you don't want to be with me anymore."

No, no, no, bitch!!

Would it have killed you to understand that I'm human too? Would it have killed you to understand that I have days when I feel like the world is shitting on my face so sometimes, all I want and need is for someone to be there for me, to hear me out; it doesn't matter if you can help me out or not; you don't really have to, just please be my comfort zone cause you promised me that day, remember? When you were down and devastated, I gave you company; we drank all night, cried our hearts out, our faces swelling with snots and tears, and then we laughed. We laughed. Did you forget? I guess you did.

Late-night conversations when you used to tell me everything on your mind till you dropped dead on the phone. Yeah, you were sleeping at 4 am with your head against the phone screen, your slow breath making me scowl in disapproval 'cause you slept before hearing my side of the tale. There's always next time, I thought. But I didn't understand people only talk to you only when they feel alone and bored.

Some new friends come their way, and suddenly you find yourself in a dark pitch somewhere in the middle of the unknown. And what scares you the most is you don't realize you've been digging that ditch your whole life, distracted while listening to other people's stories that now when you find yourself all alone and deserted, no one's willing to give you a hand and pull you up. And that's not even the worst part.

Sometimes it kills you, you feel like cutting all ties, damn them to hell and back, I ain't got time for this shit, they only messing with my brain. I got enough problems to worry about. Who cares if I'm alone, this body alone is enough. No need to be depressed over ignorant fools who've long forgotten what I've done for them. But your heart still wavers from time to time.

Swallowing your shame and pride, you call them for the very last time. For old time's sake, maybe the beef between us has cleared, maybe I was overthinking, maybe they were going through something big and I was being insensible, maybe I should've been the understanding one. Maybe maybe...

They pick up your call, voice a little hoarse, sounding eerily quiet and a tad bit irritated and unwelcoming. Hey, I just wanna say...

The words died at your thought and suddenly you forgot what you have to say. Don't waste my time if you have nothing to say. The line cuts and you drop your hands to your knees. You scream as you throw your phone in anger. It crashes to the floor with an unpleasant noise.

Two hours past midnight, the lights are out. Silence fills the darkness in a soulless ghost town.

With a broken phone in hand, heavy breaths, shaking hands, and blurry eyes, footsteps climb up the uneven stairs to the roof.

The moon shines brilliantly above, resembling an orb of gentle light that radiates an abundance of warmth so soothing a sight for someone so broken as you. Suddenly, you feel like a rejected outcast who has no place to call home.

The moon stares at you pitifully as it weeps for you like an anguished mother who has spent her entire life seeking her lost child and has found her at last. Such warmth and comfort that you reach your hands out to touch it but your fingertips feel cold. You begin to move slowly and then steadily increase your pace, nearing the edge of the roof as with each stride, you get closer to the moon - closer to the warmth you've been deprived of for so long. Finally, the world around you shatters and everything vanishes. It just feels so peaceful now and for the first time in ages, you rest, consumed by eternal sleep.

If I don't have a place to return to, I might as well never return.