From The Other Side Of River

Death is biggest mystery in the universe due to its very nature that it is incomprehensible. Humans wondered, puzzled feared death but interpreted differently. Egyptians believed Anubis is weighing hearts against a feather to grant afterlife. Greeks thought they reach Elysium the eternal paradise after death. The Satan the Goat man the boat across the river there Is no end to the myths. We even invented afterlife due to our inability to face the inevitable fact that everything that’s here today will perish into nothingness someday. I once heard someone defining death in the most pragmatic way that death is like one way journey on a river flowing with enormous force where there is no bank.

 Before that, I forgot to introduce myself I am Ananda ram Dubey. I was 24 years old a year back. There are two things that makes me different from you. One is that I know what is there on the other side of the river and other I’m not alive. Yes, I am dead. I died one year back exactly on 27th October. I know how am dead and I know where I am now but I don’t know how I am here. I don’t feel pain, hunger, thirst or anything else I am neither happy nor sad I am just at peace. I have answers for few questions but not most I don’t know whether there is god. no one came to take me to hell or heaven. All I know is somehow I am still here and able to think and remember. Not only remember but able send my thoughts into this writer and able to tell my story through him.

If you ever wondered what happens after death then I have an answer. After you die first there is nothingness it’s just like going into sleep but you are scared to sleep. yes, all the important things in your life do flash into your eyes but that’s just science your brain is trying to motivate you to live by showing things that are important to you. It’s a wonderful 3 seconds movie. After that you feel relaxed and just slip gently into the darkness then you are dead but then you wake up you can’t see you can’t smell. It’s like sitting on a bed closing your eyes and ears and just thinking about your past. It took me a year to understand what actually happened after I died. Simply saying I started living in thoughts and memories of people but I am conscious and thinking. More people think about me the more I feel alive I am just in the memories of people I love.

I am not a ghost; there are no ghosts that’s one more answer I found. But I can feel others who die. I am somehow able to communicate with others. I tried to contact people I love but there is no known way to communicate; then I understood there is an unknown way of communication to do it. We live in thoughts and memories so whenever you dream we are trying to tell our stories but you forget them when you wake up so many souls try to cause nightmares so that you can remember us. I personally don’t like it but there is another way when you open your mind for thoughts when you try to imagine a story try to create fictional characters we are those fictional characters we push our stories to your thoughts but you only use some of it and give a happy ending to each story and erases the truth.

All those fictional movies, novels and stories are the lives of souls that are wandering in your thoughts and imagination but they are tampered and altered as all your movies and novels are trying to please the audience they are tainted no soul is able to tell his story unfiltered and whenever they try to communicate about life after death or their name it just doesn’t transfer but not me I don’t know why either the writer is special or me. I am able to tell whatever I want. I know you won’t believe any of it; you still think that it is a fictional character speaking, so I am not going to waste my opportunity by trying to convince you that I exist.

I will just tell important parts my story so that I will stay in your memories even though you don’t believe me but you will enjoy because my story though it ends with death it’s not actually a sad story. I was born in Banaras on Harish Chandra ghat. If you know anything about Banaras you will know about Harish Chandra ghat it’s a cremating ghat. My mother and father were cremating my grandfather my mother loved him a lot though she was due with me she wanted to say final good bye to her father so there goes my weird birth on literally the place of death maybe that’s why I am able to speak to you freely.

I love Banaras there is no place like it in the world. The city holds history to its heart when you think what actually happened here in the past centuries it intimidates and proves nothing actually matters. Somehow people in Banaras understands this so they just try to live life happily and not really run after anything. My house is on the bank of Ganges my mother says it is source of all life. Scientifically I know it isn’t but I never really disagreed with my mother. My family is simple we were the definition of middle class my father had a 9 to 5 job he worked at the bank my mother stayed at home. She prayed to Boleynath every day I never knew what she prayed for she never wanted anything for her and never asked anything out of me she was always happy I think she prayed to ask for everything to stay the same and luckily it almost always did except once.

I sometimes went to Manikarnika ghat it’s also a cremation ghat I don’t know why I just went there and watched it from a distance where I can see the bodies burning but I can’t smell them. Banaras is the only place I think where people come to die. Moksha that’s the word. You get moksha if you die on the banks of Ganges where she washes the legs of Bholeynath. Some don’t even believe in god but still come may be to die alone that made me wonder what happened in their life that they wanted to die alone. People who come here to die are mostly sad and miserable but some looks different. How to explain this? They look kind of satisfied they are not sad or happy they appear to be made peace with death.

Weirdly that’s one thing I always wanted. To be at peace before I die. If you are from a middle class in India you will know how education is important. It is the single greatest lifeline to escape mediocrity with respect. I actually liked mediocrity but father didn’t he wanted me to live a life better than his. He is that kind of a father who always tells he walked 10 km to go to school. No one really knew whether he really walked that distance but I didn’t want to ruin that story so I never asked. My father was a wise man. There Is a Hindu custom to touch feet of elders that implies submitting one’s ego to the wise one so that he can guide us and elders are considered wiser. My father always discouraged this practice he taught me that age or any other factors doesn’t make anyone wise or superiors only actions do. He taught me that I am not superior or inferior to others but I alone through my actions going to have a place on the ladder of good and evil. So, I never touched feet of anyone but I wanted to be on the top of that ladder.

So, I did everything right in my life any act of so called good I followed it. Every time I can help I did. Along with that I searched for someone to touch their feet I don’t know why I wanted to see an action that should make me bow my head and touch their feet in respect. But soon I realized every selfless good act that is there has some motive or other behind it. The rich helped poor they had good fortune so they are paying their debt does that make them selfless. Many of us help others out of guilty for something we did in the past. Some does it in the name of god and some in fear of god. There is always a motive behind every selfless act which made me wonder does this world contains anything selfless at all. I almost stopped looking around.

But I found that one selfless action that made me bow and touch feet in respect. The feet I touched are of a girl. Her name is Vaishali, Vaishali Khan. Her father was a Muslim and her mother was a Hindu their courageous love gave Vaishali to the world. She was a normal girl doing normal things before entering my life. I first saw her in Banaras. If you take a boat on Ganges in Banaras on the other bank there is a huge white sand plain washed away by the holy river Banaras is beautiful to watch from there I use to go there and take pictures of Banaras and people who come to Banaras I had a small camera. One day there was this girl on a pony riding it wearing her college t-shirt and no I didn’t fell in love with her. There are 10 other girls more pretty than her there. But the Pony is beautiful decorated for Mahasivaratri. So, I took a couple of photos of her and pony and came back home. Home wasn’t home those days despite my best efforts I didn’t crack IIT’s or NIT’s so there was tension in the air. My father started to worry about my future. I was frustrated by the people’s remarks everyone around me started asking me which college you want to join. It just boiled my brain. One day I was watching my old photos on camera and my aunt came home and asked the worst question in the world “What’s next?”. I just saw the girl on the pony with her college t-shirt Imperial university Lucknow. I shouted I will join imperial university Lucknow.

But I understood Making a statement in front of relatives in a middle-class family makes them facts. So now I had to join this college I researched it is not a bad college with my academics I might get in with less fees and it is in Lucknow I can come home whenever I want to so I decided and made it happen. I started my engineering and I saw Vaishali again. This time it wasn’t a pleasant experience because we met in a ragging session. She is my senior now I don’t know why my seniors liked me most so they ragged me most it was getting me frustrated and I wasn’t able to cope. Somehow, she saw that and took me out of that room.

I don’t remember what she said but all I know was she was sweet to me. I never stayed outside Banaras before so Lucknow was terrifying for me and I didn’t meet any friends yet and I am not talkative type. I need to go out and buy some books but I don’t know where to go I was roaming near college gate its stupid but I was kind of scared. There was an auto passing by and stopped before me Vaishali was in the auto she asked me where I was going I replied, “where you are going?”. She was going to mall I can’t remember the name. I just nodded and said, “me to” and hopped into the auto. There started our journey couple of years passed she became a friend and started to be more than that in my mind. I didn’t know whether I was in love with her or not but I knew she loves me. After a long struggle with myself and huge peer pressure from my friends. I decided to propose to her I took her to her favorite spot in Lucknow Begum Hazrat mahal park and proposed her on one knee when it’s just about to sunset. She was petrified and didn’t know what to tell after a couple of minutes we sat together and she explained that she can’t do this and that she is from an orthodox family. I was disappointed I thought she would jump with happiness.

The next day I met her she was happy and started talking to me as if nothing happened but she started behaving as if she is even more close to me. I didn’t understand at first but after a while I got it though her words said I don’t love you her actions said she loves me. I can sense a relief in her that I proposed. It didn’t take long for her to utter the magic words “I Love you”. But to be honest I didn’t know whether I loved her or not then. I just convinced myself that I love her. I asked her many times what is it that makes her love me hoping to find an answer for myself she always replied it just happened and I don’t love a thing or two about you but I love everything about you.

Thereafter In a word my life was awesome. I spent most of my time with her in college she graduated and I graduated after a year. We both got jobs in Mumbai we moved there started living together for a year and half. It was time we thought we should get married. Suddenly one day there was this pain in my stomach that I couldn’t bear. Actually, it wasn’t sudden I had some pain for a while now but I ignored it and hid it from vaishali. I fell to the ground and vaishali came running to me I was crying loud from pain I couldn’t cope it. Last thing I remembered that day is a picture of tears rolling down her face.

I woke up on a hospital bed she was crying besides me my parents and her parents are here. I knew that something bad happened I can see that it is an oncology hospital on the food tray on my bedside table. I almost understood what’s happened to me but the question is whether I am going to live or die. Emotions are clouding my mind and I asked everyone what happened no one was willing to tell me. Finally, Vaishali started talking. All I can understood is that it is some sort of cancer and the chances of survival are not good. They started chemotherapy. Fortunately, I was doing good I started to get better and went into remission but you know with cancer death is always around the corner.

It was very hard time for her she planned her entire life with me within days all her dreams were scattered. I slowly started getting better but doctors said its going to return again and next time there is nothing to do. One day she came to me and asked to marry her. I was shocked and rejected immediately I just didn’t get why she want to marry me now it’s just a matter of time death will come to me. She was very clear about it. It took her some time but she convinced me for the love of god I don’t know how. But I remember her saying “I had everything in my life more than I wished for but one thing I really longed for a long time is to be your better half and I won’t let anyone take that away from me not even death”. Her parents didn’t agree upon this neither my parents. We got married in a temple with few friends and lived happily for couple of years and brought Shreyansh to the world.

I told you death is always around the corner and it caught up with me. My cancer returned within months I became sick and sick. Those were the bad memories so I think I blocked them I can’t remember much about it. One day I was on my hospital bed just waiting for the final moments and my wife is sleeping besides me she moved her bed besides me to comfort me. I looked at her she was the prettiest women in the world. She was beautiful I remembered first time I saw her I thought she wasn’t that pretty I don’t know what changed but she is beautiful. Then I remembered my father’s words then I realized that I saw most selfless action and that too it happened to me. She had no motive but chose to be my wife for rest of her life though mine is ending here. I finally found her I was so week it took all my energy to press the button on my bed to incline me towards her and with my last breath I reached for her feet and touched them and that moment I knew I love her and I loved her throughout but I never knew what love was now I do. I laid back and there is a mirror to my left and I saw my face and it looked just like the people who come to Banaras satisfied with their life. I couldn’t ask for more I was at peace and I traveled to other side of river.