The Virtual Queue

There is an old silly joke about queue; after standing in queue for a very long time, an exasperated man wanted to know who actually invented the system called, Queue? 

Someone from behind replied that the concept of Q was invented during the time of Mussolini! 

The angry man so goes the story, went away only to come back after couple of hours. When he rejoined the still unmoved Q, he replied to the question about his absence by saying that he actually went to hit the person who invented the Q, but found a lengthy Q there also!

Having stood in Q almost all my life, be it for the school bus when I was a kid to buying grocery, bill payment, railway station counter, bus booking Q, or withdrawing my own money from the grudging bankers, I confess that has become difficult for me conduct the business of life without the so called engagement with the queue.

I was pleasantly surprised when my friendly neighborhood bank’s customer told me that I need not physically stand in Q for doing most of the banking activities but can actually use my smartphone for getting things done. 

Being technically naïve, I asked the next obvious question, “So, how does one go about using the smartphone and avoid the queue?” Pat came to the answer, just log on to the bank’s website fill in few details and before you know, you are on your way to do almost everything using the phone, without the hassle of going and standing in a long queue in the bank physically!

Thus, I set out on my journey of avoiding the queue and believe it or not, after several mishaps, finally, found what I was looking for; the bank’s mobile application. Of course, it was not a cakewalk at all, as told by a friendly customer, to install the application but somehow, I took a couple of hours and finally, I nailed it!

There was a plethora of applications to chose from for all my activities with the outside world and with a broad smile on my face, I downloaded almost everything into my smartphone.

I kept my phone on the table and admired my handiwork; from today, no more Q for me, I sighed. My hands were itching to find out the result of my newly found adventurous way of doing banking; so, I looked up my bank’s helpline and dialed. The phone rang and a mechanic voice asked me what do I want to do today!

With the help of the very pleasant voice that guided me, I punched all the keys one by one and finally, hit the last button to speak to a customer executive. I was told that the person whom I wanted to speak is busy with other customers and politely asked me to wait on line. It also added, for good measure, that my call was very important to them and hence, I mustn’t disconnect but hold. Like a true gentleman, I did what I was told; hold, hold and hold for a very long time.

After nearly two minutes of standing in Q – this time, it was a virtual Q – the line some-how got disconnected with a message – you have timed out – adding insult to injury. What a hapless customer can do? I started all over again with the same result. 

I realized that my phone is a smartphone but not me; I just moved away from the physical Q to the virtual Q!

I refused to give up! So, I started once again and this time, finally I got lucky and the voice instructed me to punch several numbers; first, the lady's voice wanted to know what I wanted! If it is account-related or checkbook etc., but I was determined to get to the bottom at any cost.

So, I obliged and punched the numbers and just as I was about to get to know the balance my phone got disconnected as it ran out of power! It was in use for over 4 hours now.

Not the one to give up, I charged my phone and continued my love-hate relationship with the mechanical voice.

This time, again after waiting and punching several keys and obediently following the instructions, I was told that a customer service executive will now speak to me!

I was thrilled when a human voice, at last, called me by my name and asked me in a pleasant voice what she can do for me?

When I narrated that I needed so and so information, the voice said that I must visit the branch where I have the account to get things done!

I was tempted to throw the phone but instead, I simply deleted the application from the phone and heaved a sigh of relief.

As I got ready to leave home, the wife looked at me and said, “where are you going?”

I looked at my wife and contemplated what to say. She was looking at my face expectantly so, she said, “going to the bank.”

“But, you were supposed to do all the banking activities using your mobile, right? You also said, that there would be a long queue in banks. How come, you decided to change your mind and are going to the bank?”

I glanced at my mobile phone and then looked at my better half and said,

“Yes, there would be a long queue; but at least I could use a sneering human face rather hear a mechanical voice which almost insults me; in a bank, it is a matter of time before I get my work done and I have plenty of them.

Remember? I am retired!”