Sane or Insane

“It ached so much, could it be real love? But how!”

 

I felt the little twinge in the back of head when she strode along his side and then refused to glance back at her initial position, beside me.

Well, the evening was a bit of pleasant rendezvous with both of them, especially considering the long span of six months we were estranged for. I asked him if he wanted to join us in the attempt of spending a little more time, without the embarkment of anything else than casual hang out.

They both tagged along perfectly well, seemed like I had witnessed a completely new facet of his personality even after being friends for a year and half. It seemed they had their chemistries perfectly blended. In only a fraction of hours, they rode together the trail of conversations rather smoothly. There, came a peak point when their telepathic connections morphed this symbiotic tete-a-tete into something far beyond my reach. Even after their constant failed attempts and considerations of sliding me along their bandwidth of telecommunication, sitting there I could picture myself on the other side of this realm. The point was not far off, when they appeared to be in a glass bubble, with me as a mere admiring spectator.

When I tried sneakily sliding my frowned expression, I thought to myself this was my usual anti-social streak of chromosomes kicking in to fulfill their obligation. I tried to maneuver my disinterest and unexplained emotions as the alleged quirks of menstruation, cranky and aching, to dissuade them from having the cloud of guilt for leaving out circle them over and over. I succeeded, and all the while, I shifted my attention towards; ways to get out of this binding socialization, a skill I had failed to acquire after all these years of seeking pleasure in tranquility and being a master of isolation. I sensed a black hole of happiness nurturing deep inside me that seemed to suck into itself all the joys surrounding me and scolded myself for accommodating such abomination. After my prolonged, devoted and agonized efforts to switch this persona had succumbed I had given up hope and all that seemed to be done is to thrive. The self-infliction I bring upon myself, casts light upon my masochism.

But this time instead of all the dark, despair and the hopelessness it was rather hurtful. I could not fathom for what other reason; would such circumstances induce this level of agony. It was something new and indescribable what I felt at that moment. I tried containing it all the time I was with them.

Trish was a very good friend of mine. She was a nice, gorgeous and a graceful woman and the idea of hating her for any possibly existing reason seemed absurd. I saw in her a different form of family I always longed for, so she was special and precious.

On the other hand, Dave was my other friend. We had been in touch for two years, now and I had an insight to almost all of his emotions. Our routinely conversations, had become irresistible and over the months a necessity now. I saw how deeper he is, than he appeared on the surface. My personal venting machine, rambling buddy and therapist. Despite of all the role he had acquired we refrained to use the term friends; both of us. For some unknown reasons, it made our relation stronger. While all the above deciphering of his persona seems appeasing, he wasn’t all that nonchalant chivalrous gentleman at all times. In fact, it had now morphed into I luxury I seldom got to enjoy. Most of the time he was a jerk, insolent to the end of the world often comprising a genuine apology at the end of it which at that point, mostly seemed pointless. Nonetheless, he was my only source of delight, so I had to endure. Only when my thermostat couldn’t stand the heat, I would cut him off abruptly for few days; for the temperature to drop.

Now, since you had the short detour to the subtle complexities of my friendship with the two, we shall move forth.

As, I sat there gazing at two of them in close proximity with the development of a quick ineffable connection, it hit me. I felt a twitching ache in my, now throbbing heart. The sharp ache; like being pricked with needles, multiple times. The realization, the source of this pain stared in my face.

It was the unbearable thought of advancing romance between the two.

But why did it matter to me. I had no intentions of chance to end up with him then, why. Could it be that I had fallen for him? But how could I fall for him. And the alliance forming between the two, was exactly how it was supposed to be, then why? Falling for him was irrational, erratic and outright psychotic. Was I deranged and delusional? How could a sane mind fall in love like that?



But the pain was real and prominent. The ache was profound and amplified on visualizing him with any other woman than me. I gasped for tiny breaths until it all came to me.

For some ineffable reasons it made sense to me. He could never love me back, not sure if loving him was rational. But, one thing I was positive about was that I was irrevocably and unconditionally in love with him.

The realization made me smile and I flipped back the pages of my novel and decked it back to its place…………….