And I knew I was in trouble when I saw your eyes tracing me at the distant corner…as if you were hiding something, something intimidating and quite and so was I.
Its been quite a long time since we had been in contact, you a familiar face I lived with every day and me just another prey for you. Your touch still haunts me, I can still feel his breath on my neck his body pushing mine, burdened and my breath getting heavy, my hands struggling, voice shaking, eyes wide open, soul crying, how could I forget any of it, it was just a usual day from my unusual life. How would I have one that game, I was just a kid after all. I hated games after that and had developed this affinity and hatred toward touch.
Sixteen-year-old, normal Tuesday, panting off to class, lost in the world of mine, questions-queries-backlash, flashback, that lab flashing instruments and your voice echoing in my ears, hungrily asking for perfection, too close to achieve it. I developed a fear of perfection.
Nineteen years old, normal Saturday evening, his eyes met mine promising love and care, holding hand carefully slipping down hands on my back, forcing his body over me, demanding love, dragging off and shutting out for caring too much, all I was left was with the scars, you left on my body when you traced it with your filthy hands, understanding of love changed for me.
Twenty years old, smiling in my sundress on my friends birthday, just another eye to hide from, just another body searching for something exquisite surely not me this time, eyes hovering around sleeking down my body, ripping off the layer of dignity, me naked in front of his long lorn greedy eyes, my dress may be too small to hide it all, a gently friendly unwanted touch and lost in the smoke, in the night where everyone choose Netflix over someone screams. friendship redefined itself for me.
Twenty-one-year-old, normal Friday, “I love you”.
So, when you held my hand and said,”I love you” it was not you I saw, I say the just another man, just another touch, just another love promise, just another predator…despite the fact I know it from day one but maybe too afraid to love someone and you, you were PERFECT! And I fear perfection.