Rap On The Nation

6^th December 2019

This was the day 17 years ago that the Babri Masjid got demolished. With the Supreme Court judgment handing over the disputed land to build a Ram temple, the nation was agog in a tense anticipation should anything happen in Ayodhya.

But the police in Hyderabad had a different script in mind, and they enacted out with elan. The morning news was agog with the encounter of the four alleged rapists in which they were all shot dead. About a week ago, the nation had hung out her head in shame with the news of the rape of the Vet doctor by the name Disha and her subsequent death by burning. In the land where Durga got worshipped, where the rivers mostly named feminine flowed, it was a travesty of sorts that women get raped easily. Nirbhaya’s rape was still remembered as the judgment, in that case, has got delayed for more than seven years now.

Whatsapp groups went buzzing across the nation. Mostly the encounter got welcomed. People declared justice got delivered. The police got garlanded, and people distributed sweets. The uproar reached the August Parliamentarians as well, wherein rapists, mass murderers, and criminals were well represented. They also applauded the encounter and the killing of the alleged criminals and added the rapists should get hanged. Some said they should get lynched in public. Some sane voices said that police should not have shot the criminals even if they had wanted to. The law was there. India was not a banana republic; some said it shows the failure of our legal-justice system.

8^th December

It was in this context that the successor to the ‘Father of the Nation” called an urgent meeting of some influential ministers to discuss the issue. He began the meeting by stating it seems that people misunderstood my statement. I had announced let this Diwali get celebrated, keeping in mind the daughters in the homes. I never thought people instead of burning crackers would burn women instead. With my many foreign trips coming up how I will answer the questions from peers and media in the West. I would get rapped too.

The Minister of Agriculture loudly wondered if this phenomenon has anything to do with the consumption of rapeseed oil. His deputy corrected him by stating that r… is happening across the country where people were consuming other oils as well. Thank god the Minister said since more than 20% of oils consumed was of rape-seed.

A very learned minister said that he has read from sciencedaily.com that pollution can cause aggressive behavior. The study got conducted in the United States. But a bhakt of a minister interjected that Indians have evolved from Rishis and pollution as such cannot contribute to this behavior. But someone else said India has been under the rule of Moghuls and later the Britishers; surely there could have been a genetic mutation of some sort. The legendary leader nodded his head in appreciation. Any scientific mumbo jumbo went about his head, and he nodded his head in response. The Minister of Environment had just declared in the parliament that there had been no study conducted that links pollution with a shorter life span. If life span could not be affected, how could pollution affect aggressive behavior? He thundered like lightning in the rainy season. The defense minister jumped to his defense and said this aggressive behavior maybe has to do with the onion shortfall. The health minister interjected that consumption of onions boosts libido, but in a shortfall situation, the theory does not hold good.

All the heads turned towards the finance minister who jumped out of her seat and said in her home onion consumption was limited. She also added she has just one daughter only. Laughter erupted across. The leader cleared his throat. She further said she has the only experience getting rapped, especially since she had taken over as Finance Minister. Again a giggle went across the table. Once again, the leader had to clear his throat. She continued from what I gather is that onion shortage should continue for some time till the time libidos get subdued.

The state minister of home affairs said that in Bangalore city, traffic police had place dummy police in several parts of the city. Maybe we should try some such idea across rap prone areas. A loud round of applause erupted. The senior home minister immediately noted down the point.

The minister of culture said that ‘pornography’ should be banned together with rap songs in filmy music. The law minister took note of the suggestion.

The minister of Vedic traditions and practices suggested nationwide conduct of yagna, which would purify the air. During these yagnas, we can also educate the public about our cultural values of how we treat women as our goddess and mothers.

The leader asked, does yoga help? The minister for culture said he would check out with the Rubber Baba and inform him. He would also arrange for televised program should there be a set of asanas.

The leader scratched his beard and looked at his deputy, who has been silent so far. His deputy immediately said we should develop an NCR and enact a law in the parliament. This was something new for the entire group, and their jaw fell in shock. He said NCR is nothing but a national census of the rapist. Once we have such a census made, I would ensure that they get castrated. There was thunderous applause for this masterstroke of an idea.

Once the noise subsided, the leader asked how you will identify a rap’ artist? His deputy, as usual, had come prepared. He had burnt the midnight oil for this, and unlike the Mumbai episode, he wanted to succeed and retain the modern Chanakya title. I will get a psychological profile done of the existing rapists, let us say starting with some members of parliament, the state legislatures, and finally those lodged in jail. We would get rich data, and based on that data, one could set up a questionnaire, and the rest would be easy. What if we had too many numbers? The leader asked once again. The deputy reposed fast, “ Kailasa is always there.” Nityananda wants people to settle on his island, and we would want to deport the people of his ilk. A win-win situation.

Ok, said the leader. Start preparing the bill for the parliament. He then wrapped up the meeting.