Am I Responsible?

I often hit the crossroads

In the journey of parenting

Not while I brought up my two darling daughters

But during bringing up my adopted son.

I keep reminding myself when stuck often

The oath I took sixteen years back

That I am the one responsible for him

No matter what comes my way, I vowed.

I blamed myself for all he did

His underperformance as per societal expectations

His academics, his little yet significant unimaginable crimes

And his made-up stories to escape.

I regret even today

That one impulsive decision

I took about adoption 

I wish back then I knew what it held for me in store.

In the pursuit of becoming an Alpha mom

I did the best of my ability

Trying out all the permutations and combinations

Working with the trial and error methods.

Pushing my boundaries of patience and effort

I kept saying to myself, one last time

But all I am seeing him today is a super lazy bug,

An irresponsible child, an aggressive argumentative teen, a brat.

Can I blame myself for what he has grown up into?

Can he be my yardstick to gauge my efficiency?

Doesn’t genes too play an important role?

I need to keep asking myself to come to terms.

When he just isn’t ready to take charge of his life

I just cannot impose on him

Bidding goodbye to my guilt feeling

I choose to be unapologetic.