A Kind Of Cancer, Depression.

He never knew that another world existed outside his dark room where he stayed all alone. His clothes were dirty like he hadn’t changed them in years.Some motivational and philosophical books were his sole companions along with few pieces of sharp blades and an unused first aid box.

He was unusually quiet, not even talking to himself. He used his cell phone to access the internet and Google some facts about depression. He never called anyone or answered any phone calls except his mother’s.  He had become the slave of his loneliness because he had forgotten to speak for himself.

More often than not people who never speak for themselves or are interrupted midway while trying to do so go into a  state of mind where they think, they are useless and even their words make no difference in anyone’s life leave alone their existence. The feeling of being called  useless or a loser blocks your mind, pushing you to a  zone of loneliness which slowly metamorphoses into to a world known as depression. This was the same phase which Arnab was going through.

He took hold of a blade with his left hand and moved it towards his right where a lot of scars were staring back at him. Every time he ran the blade over his hand and made the cut, he experienced immense joy  of hurting himself. No, he wasn’t suicidal. Killing himself was never an option, all he wanted to do was to hurt himself. It helped him check his endurance of pain, of how much he can suffer in his life and also helped him forget the other pain of life, of living.

When he had made his first cut, he cried like anything. It had become a ritual for him now,crying and shouting alone had become his daily routine, but after sometime he gave up crying as he gave up many other things like wandering aimlessly,  eating regularly and taking shower. The wounds and scars on his body no longer did hurt him. He didn’t feel any pain, now whenever he made a cut he derived some sense of pleasure from it.

Without a fraction of a thought he positioned the sharp blade on his hand and pressed it, with the right amount of pressure; strong enough to let it bleed and subtle enough to not cause more damage leading to death. All of a sudden he saw his mother’s name flashing on his mobile screen. He stopped himself midway to answer the phone.

“Hello Mom!” He smiled...

He didn’t forget to pretend.He loved his mom from the core of his heart and this was the only reason he never tried to commit suicide.He knew his mother would never be able to recover if she heard about his death and if she got to know about his situation, how depressed he was then it would hurt her as much as his death.  But he was helpless; he had to stay strong in front of her. He never told his mother about his condition. He always smiled while talking to her on the phone so that she wouldn’t get any clue about the pain he is going through.

“Are you alright Arnab?” She asked breathlessly.

“Yeah mom, I’m fine. What happened, why are you sounding so tensed?” He could sense the concern in her voice.

“Nothing. I just don’t know why I was not feeling good, so I called you.”  She said in a low tune.

“I love you mom. And relax, I am fine.”  He tried assuring her.

“I love you too Arnab.” She answered.

“Okay now bye,I’ve got some work to do.” He said, fooling her.

“Bye, take care.” She replied and disconnected the call.

He thought his mother didn’t know anything about his situation but he was wrong. She knew everything about Arnab and what he told on the call was not what he felt like. She could feel his pain, but she never said anything. She knew that Arnab will never do anything wrong and she also knew that he is strong enough to fight any problem. Somewhere she was right but not exactly. Arnab was fighting only to keep himself alive for his mother. He had given up on himself long ago.

Arnab took the blade making a cut on his hand once again with no expression on his face. As if nothing was amiss he casually picked up a motivational book from his shelf and started reading it.

Arnab always read a book after hurting himself. Blood kept dripping out of his hand but he never cared. Whenever he saw blood dripping out of his hand, he felt pleasure and smiled. The blood that dripped out was the only reason which made him smile. He read books which kept him alive along with the cuts. First he made the cuts and then he gained the strength to fight with pain through books and some bookmarks saved in his phone named as motivational quotes. Arnab read books from the motivational genre to stay alive, hanging dangerously somewhere between life and death. He never wished to completely surrender himself to any of these be it life or be it death.

                                                                        *-*-*-*-*

“Who are you?” Arnab asked the man sitting in the dark.

“Someone whom you always ignored!” came the reply.

“It means that I don’t want to talk to you, whosoever you are. So why are you here?“ Arnab asked.

“I am here to take you to the world full of happiness.” The man answered.

Before he could say anything the man asked a question to Arnab.

“Why do you feel alone?”

“What type of a question is it? I am alone that’s why I feel alone. My father doesn’t love me. For him I am just an unwanted waste whose place is there in the dustbin. I am 25 and I’m unable to earn a single penny. Whatever work I started, it failed giving me nothing. I let down my father at every step. According to him I can never give happiness to anyone because I am useless and a loser. I am an insensitive guy who never feels the pain of his father. I kept doing whatever I loved to and I always failed. I am unable to take the right decision in my life which again shows that I’m failure. Even after walking on my selected path against my father I am unable to keep myself happy, which shows I’m a useless creature on this earth that has no feelings for anyone, not even for himself.” Arnab said in frustration, venting out all the bottled emotions till now

“So you call yourself a loser?” The man asked.

“Yes!” Arnab answered.

“Everybody is.” He stated as a matter of fact.

“How?” Arnab asked.

“We all are born by the same process. No one in this world has any kind of magical power with him. We are all the same. Winning and losing are two sides of the same coin. If you’ve achieved something and you take it as an achievement than you are winner, but if you don’t take it as an achievement then you’ll always take yourself as a loser. Similarly, not everything what you achieved is an achievement for others, for them it may be nothing. We can never decide that we are winners or losers. It’s always decided by the people who are around us. So keep up the good work till your last breath. Don’t think about winning or losing. Just keep one thing in your mind that when you die, people will call your name with respect and this will be the biggest achievement for you and that respect will be your winning trophy. People never respect you while your struggle and life is full of struggles till death.” The man answered confidently.

“How can I think in such a way when I have no emotions left in me?” Arnab was not convinced by his answer so he asked the man.

“You are filled with emotions. Your love towards your mother proves that.” The man seemed to smile now.

“Wait a minute, how do you know about this?” Arnab asked in a tone that reflected shock.

“I told you that I am the one whom you always ignored. I know everything about you.” The man replied and continued, “just because you don’t feel any pain when you cut yourself or don’t smile doesn’t mean you have no emotions left. If you can feel yourself when you’re hurt then you are not emotionless. People around you don’t love you because you don’t love yourself. If you don’t love yourself then never expect anyone to love you. People never waste their time on dead things until and unless it doesn’t have any charm.”

Arnab was impressed by his answer but not fully satisfied, so he asked. “What about loneliness which I feel even when I’ve people around me?”

“You always love to dominate yourself and when you find that you are unable to do the same you feel that no one listens to you or no one is respecting your views. Instead of saying anything listen to them carefully, don’t utter a single word until they don’t ask you to say. Your words are so precious that they don’t deserve to be wasted on someone who doesn’t want to listen to you. You never try to speak; you always try to dominate that’s why people never listen to you. This is the reason you feel alone everywhere. Just speak instead of dominating and feel the love of the people around you.” The man answered.

Arnab knew he was dominating and that convinced him about the answer but he wanted to know the real reason behind the fact why he was not able to come out of depression. So he again asked a question. “Why I am not getting out from depression?”

“Like cancer, depression is also a disease; a disease which never gets cured easily. But it doesn’t mean that it cannot be cured. Cancer breaks people mentally and so does depression. Let’s talk about cancer only. When people come to know that they are suffering from cancer they automatically move to the state of mind where they think they are going to die very soon. But some people still stay positive and live the life as they were living before they came to know about that disease. This positive feeling helps them to fight with cancer and it also plays a very important role in curing it. I accept, it is not a surety that those positive feelings will defiantly cure cancer but it is sure that these feelings never stop you from living.” The man said answering Arnab’s question and continued, “when it comes to depression it is same as cancer. You move to the depression zone where you find nothing is happening according to you. You find yourself alone, you cry, you hurt yourself, you begin to think about ending your life. You keep yourself alone but never think about yourself that’s why you hurt yourself every moment.  All the negativity around you embraces you when you stop thinking about yourself. Instead of keeping yourself alone try to face the world of those demons which is killing you from inside. When you face them, angels inside you wake-up automatically and give you the power to fight with demons. Those angels are none other than your positive energy.” And saying this, the man disappeared.

When Arnab woke up he had a smile on his face. It was something which had happened after a long span of time. Arnab searched for the man here and there but he found him nowhere that’s when he realized that he was dreaming that man who knows everything about him was none other than his own soul.

His smiling face was a sign to himself that his soul wanted him to move on towards the path of positivity. He cleaned his room and then went to take a shower. The angels inside him were now trying to wake up slowly.

He called his mother. She was very happy that Arnab himself had called her, something she had been waiting for him to do since ages. She could now feel the charm in his voice and sense the positive vibes. While talking with his mother, Arnab felt that she knew everything what he had been trying to hide from her. She started crying and disconnected the call saying
“I love you Arnab.”

Arnab started crying after the call ended, but this time with a smile. His depression was cured by the angels. He then started a new journey which was full of positive vibes and without the fear of becoming a loser.