Saudade

She sat with a cup of hot coffee beside the open window; the cold February wind of the receding Delhi winters, blowing in her face. A thought had been troubling her since the past few days but she had been trying to avoid it. But today, with nobody at home and nobody to disturb her; she could not hold back and avoid it for any longer. It was time for her to deal with her fears because running away from them was not an option any more.

So, she took out her little diary which had been buried deep in her cupboard since ages. This diary was her companion; it was in this diary where her feelings found a vent. So, with a cup in one hand and a pen in the other, she began to pen down:

 "Last night, Sia told me that I have changed. I have changed since the day I decided to erase his very presence out if my life. It was strange to hear something like this, from someone who knows me so well. I wasn't ready to accept this so I decided to ask Trisha. But, I was taken aback when I got the same response from her. This wasn't something that I had anticipated. She agrees with what Sia says. I mean what on earth have I done to make them think like that? Okay! I do agree that I have been acting a bit weird lately. But then, I am not doing that on purpose. It is not easy to constantly fight the urge of not calling him, not texting him and not meeting him. Though, I've found a solution to it. I just don't think about him at all. Whenever my mind starts going in that direction, I just bring myself back to the reality. But still, it's not that I've been successful in trying to forget him. In fact, I dream of him almost every night. I may try to avoid thinking about him throughout the day but I have no control over these dreams. I wake up every morning with a new dream but I shut my mind to all these things. And still, a tear manages to escape through my eye at any random moment. Yesterday, I was driving back home from college and sudden memories of 9th Feb. 2012 brought tears to my eyes. I don't know if it is normal to behave like this or is this super weird. And I don't know if at all this whole "totally avoid the situation and obliterate him from my life” thing is the right thing to do or if I'll ever be able to get over him. But all I know is that this is the only solution; I know and this is the only thing that might help. And all I can hope for is that some day, the dreams will stop and the tears will fade."