Ephemeral Love

To the one, who left without saying goodbye, who gave up instead of fighting! 

Study me as much as you like, you will never know me, for I differ a hundred ways from what you see me to be.

Put yourself in front of a mirror, and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.

It's hard to even begin to explain what I have been feeling for the past year, what I am still feeling to this day. It's hard to explain because I'm not entirely sure myself. You never said goodbye. You never said why you left or where you were going. You just disappeared, and all I know about you now is what I see you or the people in your life post about you on social media.

It's hard to recognize you. It seems that you are a completely different person than you were the last time I saw you. Your life has taken a complete turn. It seems that you are happy, and I am so glad to see that you are finding joy in your life. I want you to be happy, despite if that happiness includes me or not. You are making a life for yourself, and I am just now starting mine. We are at different points in our lives, so maybe not knowing each other now is what's best for the both of us, but even so, that does not change that you just left me behind without saying a word.

I always wondered why it was so easy for people to leave what I should have questioned was why I wanted them to stay. 

My mind knows that you are in a better place, where there is no pain if only my heart could understand the same.

 

 

I'm not into fairy tales

 I'm not into all those lies/tales

 But the legitimacy/factualness/truth is you make me

 Cheerful all the time

 Since the day we fall in with

 

 I'm not searching for true love/devotion/flame

 I'm not searching for nirvana

 I'm keen to make some memories

 I'm keen to invest some time before summer arrives

 

Life is a journey encompassing million moments and we humans are left to thrive every ounce of it. Some passengers aren’t loyal; their only loyalty is towards the need of others. Once their needs change, so does their path of loyalty.

 

I thought it was our journey and we were the co-passengers of the same destination. Everything appeared perfect when one day I realized that you stopped picking the broken pieces of heart, you stopped untangling those knots, which I never thought existed.

I still remember vividly the moments we have shared together, the unending intelligent and emotional conversations which even the clock couldn’t stop. My love for you was irrevocable and unconditional with no sanity involved. Little did I know, when you started putting our relation on every parameter. That was leading to the road less traveled by. A relationship for us was more than physical infatuation

 

 I’m not desperate to have a relationship with you, but I do miss the feeling of having someone that can make me smile and feel appreciated. Someone who remembers me at the start and end of the day. Someone who will be there to embrace me when I feel assailable. Someone who will look past my defects and love me for my originality, whose words give me butterflies in my bladder every time we're together. Someone with whom I could share my belonging. I, however, fail to understand why you left me all of a sudden without any alarm? What pricked your conscience to take this devastating step? Why you stopped giving me time??

What bewildered me the most of all that you stopped me from seeing you when once you used to crave to meet me and shower you with compliments. I thought I was failing as a partner when one changed my life forever!

 ‘’I guess everyone has his ripping moment that is a result of a firm decision. And then you have to raise your bar... And it takes such a long time, not to fit them back together, but to assemble them in a new way, not necessarily a wiser way. More, a way you can live with until you know for certain about the apt destinations of those pieces.’’

 

Desire is a very powerful emotion, at times it leading to poising results. The desire for another human being to know you, all of you, all the pieces, even the ones you’re ashamed of is huge. Human desires are endless, and he being an ardent traveller, likes to halt at different inns tilll he reaches his destination. I thought our fate was also framing in the same way, where you might be facing some human distractions. 

I tried my best to soothe my mind as we lovers have the tendency to cling to false hope with open arms. 

 

The physical aspect is just as significant to consider as the mental side of depression. It takes herculean efforts just to manage those daily errands we all find mundane yet mandatory, like bathing or dressing one's self. Depression sucks every bit of energy and makes the simplest tasks, unbearable.

 

Even when the deepest part of the depression is over, there is still what I would call a hangover of despondency. One gets so worn out with lethargy that even though when the worst is over, so much energy is required to maintain one's sanity that the reserves get all dried up, as if the depression discharges your energy tankers and you are left floundering in apathy and exhaustion.

 

The longer the depression lasts, the longer it takes to recover. There's no retracement and just like recharging your cell phone, you need to wait till the energy restores to return, or I should say when you become gainful again.

 

Just like the savior of the last straw, I was hoping that things get fine between you and me just like they were in the initial days. Times when you used to annoy me with your silliest questions and my answers could glow your face. I was hoping if the walls broke down and you let the winds of love flow in your nest. I knew I was trying my best, but guess that wasn't enough for your stakes, you chose to leave me in this dismantles world to handle the broken pieces of my heart all alone. You went away by knifing my body and soul. I will never forget that night which I would like to call our last ride together. 

That night was devastating, I thought I would never be able to forgive you for what all you said and did to me. My body was acting numb, my heart skipped a beat, my mind stopped functioning. That night when I received a phone call from a stranger, whose words still ring in my ears when I close my eyes. He said ‘’ She is in trouble, please come here soon’’. I panicked, I didn't know you kept me on speed dial. That moment I felt a little close to you, however, the only thought what kept troubling me was that why did that stranger say those lines. What had happened to you? Where were you? I left home to find answers to all these questions and on the parallel lines I could think of you ranting at me to leave you and go away. All the days when our sweet calls were no more sweet but had turned into conversations of complaints from your side. However, my love for you was boundless and I left for your destination to make sure you were doing absolutely fine. 

You just did what you felt you needed to do without even thinking for a second about how your actions might effect me. If you would have given me some kind of cease, it wouldn't be this way for me. All I needed and all I need is just a goodbye or a reason why, but instead, I am still having to try and piece it together myself, and I shouldn't have to.

If I had never met you, I would never have become the person I am today, so I guess I have to thank you for that, but inside, I am always going to have a hole, a spot in my heart specifically for you. Even though you have put me through what feels like an emotional hell, I will always miss you and the memories we have together. No matter how hurt I have been or how angry and confused you have made me, I will always love you and cherish every second I have had with you. You were one of the most important people I ever gave my time and self to. I have never and I will never regret that.

There are those that say they love you without any action, and there are those that show they love you, without any words. It is far better to remain silent and act upon your love than to say you love and do nothing to show it.

 

Through a long and painful routine, I've learned that happiness is an inside us, not based on anything or anyone in the outer material world. I've become a different and better person - not perfect, but still, I am on the path of recovery.

 

All of us emotionally break in some ways, but what really matters is how to recollect ourselves because we can’t let go of memories since they are the constant reminders of a great story that we never expect to END…

I tried to stop you, pleading requesting with a sobbing tone but you promised to come soon. A drop of the year left on my hand and you left towards the moon. I can still sense your touch but it doesn’t bother much, speechless moments are not many but some I think my carnival has come.