Remorse

I look at the chaos and frenzy all around me rather my body. I see people gathered, trying to get a glimpse of the body, trying to identify the body, making assumptions, I hear it all, I see it all. They are talking about me and I am the least affected. What an irony! It was just before a few hours when I was deeply affected by what people think of me, speak of me and fed up of life, I jumped into this deep water, released myself from the shackles of life. Wow! what a feeling, nothing affects me, no worries, no tensions, no botheration.

Just then I see myself (Oh! My body) being taken to morgue. I hear some voices, trying to identify the body, they see my face and are relaxed, very very happy that the body was not their daughter's. After some time I see a familiar face, oh it's my dad. I see him weeping, there is lot of pain on his face, he is unable to speak, he collapses. I am taken home, my sweet home, my cozy corner, my room, my memories, once my chirping banters were heard here. Today I can hear sobs.

Here is my mom, she just can't see her darling lying lifeless. She weeps, her sobs turn into wail, my dad stands helpless, inconsolable, I want to hug my dad, kiss my mom, I want to tell them that I am happy and free from all the worries. But just then I hear whispers, people guessing why I took this drastic step. What nonsense are they talking! I can't take these allegations, there are all sorts of stories explaining my death.

Oh please stop this I can't hear this.

My parents have to answer so many questions. I can't see them in pain. What have I done? I have put all my troubles on my parents' old shoulders. I can't see them in this pain, oh what have I done! How could I not think of my parents before taking this step? I have brought shame and disgrace to my parents. Life, though mine was given to me by my parents, what right I had to destroy it like this?

I am sorry mom, I am sorry dad, I know sorry is a very small word for whatever I have done.

I might not have made my parents proud but would have at least not brought this disgrace to them. I can't see this pain on my parents face. How I wish life too had an undo button. I could have definitely face the difficulties of life than put my parents through this turmoil, ignominy and sufferings. Situation would have changed had I changed my approach towards life. Time does change. I should have had little patience, little endurance. A little stoicism could have made a lot of difference not just to my life but life of my loved ones too. A mix of little tolerance, a little understanding, a little endeavor would have given a beautiful side to my existence.