Shock → Anger → Action → Thoughts → Acceptance → Moving on
I was somewhere between anger and action, when the option of giving up became more and more vivid in my mind. Everything around seemed fake and I was done dealing with lies.
The fateful day arrived. Everything was planned in my mind. My husband left at usual time. I prepared meal for my 15-months old and fed her. I held her all day long, kissed her and showered her with my affection.
In evening, I received the usual message from my husband “Left”. I knew he will be home in an hour. This was my chance.
After that it was like watching a movie. I was lying on sofa, eyes closed. Maid was handling my baby.
My baby keeps running to me, pulling my hair or sitting on my belly to wake me up while I lay there still.
“Ice ice” She says the only word she can speak, but I don’t respond.
“Yellowwww” My husband uses his funny word for hello as he enters. My daughter runs to him and he picks her up. Somehow, he knows immediately. He checks me and calls for an ambulance.
I am declared dead. He calls my parents. Baby is crying. He tries to calm her down but she is thirsty. It just doesn’t cross his mind. He is pacing cradling her in his arms but nothing can soothe her. After about 90 minutes he realises, she might be hungry. He bottle feeds her. I don’t like her wet and tired face, but it’s too late now.
She is put to bed but she wakes up every hour. She is looking for me. She has this habit of crawling to my side of bed in the middle of night. But, today I am not there to cuddle with her. She is desperate and nothing seems to calm her down. She is howling. All she knows is that she always grabs my attention by this, but not today. At last, she gives up and cries herself to sleep. She kind of sobs, even while sleeping. My husband looks helplessly at her.
Then she wakes up again with a heart wrenching scream. I can’t take this anymore and pick her up. She calms down as she recognises me. I look at my left. My husband is sleeping. It was a dream but some part of it was true. She is just a baby and doesn’t deserve to go through this trauma. Holding her close to me, I decide giving up is not an option for me.