If Only She Had Read This...

Deuteronomy, Chapter one lesser than 4, taken from the bible of my heart, verses Hope to Chaos!

<Genesis>

I just started to live my life when this chapter was being created, and it was already a year or more since then. After my 27 years of hardships inclusive of my Graduations, Post Graduations, Job searches, etc. One fine day, my life started to take its shape, I could position myself alongside my long-time mates. I was recovering from slippages in the timeline of my life. I now, feel being fully transformed as a professional and being a part of adult society as an individual. A new phase of my journey in life was happening, I started to dream, I started to think big, I learnt making plans, my dreams grew, my thoughts grew, my plans grew. Yes, life is no longer black and white to me, I could feel colours, colouring up my life!

<Exodus>

My thoughts transformed, I felt positive, I was young, dynamics and I saw there was still time in my life, I became more confident and hoped for things in life to fall back on track. My work life, presented me all these transformations in life and allowed me to hope beyond the past. Just like others, my professional life progressed with ups and downs. I felt being deployed in the society along with a mass departure of people!

<Deuteronomy>

This happened when I was working in a project under some politically difficult environment. Finally, we heard our boss wanted to actively supervise our team by shifting us to the parent wing. Just like me, all my mates including the leads were hesitant. Our lead managed to motivate me, by going further taking a sweetest dig on me. He was motivating me, "Who knows, think positive, what if you gonna meet your girl from the 7th floor?"; I just gave a strange affirmative smile of not letting me lose myself wherever I am. 

Meanwhile, I visited the melancholy cubicle area that's too quiet for me. Only relief was there is still some privacy away from our bosses. There was a girl still seated within our allotted cubicle zone, just as always, I didn't offer much attention and she seemed seriously working over something.

 

I am still not intentional about having relationships, commitments and have a monochromatic stereotype life. Finally, this day against our will, we were elevated to a place with strange quietness. Convinced with our fate, I grabbed my assigned seat, where she was seated earlier. I expected her to get released, but then her seat was relocated to an adjacent seat in the next cubicle, besides me. I was exploring my new desk and opening up the drawers, and found some toys to play with. My friend and my colleague snatched away the items I was playing with and we were arguing for its ownership. There came a voice from next cubicle adjacent to me, it was she who asked for her items back. I blamed my colleague for stealing her toys and grabbed the opportunity to exchange a playful smile with her. 

Every day I noticed her, but we hardly exchanged smiles. Her transparent spectacles grabbed my attention. I started to observe her eyes randomly. She was quite pretty, still no feelings within me.

 

Next day I saw her and finally I started to notice her every day without letting any relational thoughts creeping into my mind. A week passed, for some reason my teammates started to tease me with this pretty cute looking girl. I started to observe her more and admired her silently, I felt a Christian look. She seemed conservative and quiet to me, I could feel her calmness in her walks and talks. I didn't know her name nor anything about her. I never even thought about knowing anything about her. I do not have any intention with her. 

It was a weekend and unfortunately we had to commit with work on a Saturday. I walked around the lonely cubicles and something stopped me besides her desk. I flipped her notebook and looked around her table. She had a lovely white flower vase and some European toys messed around her table. Something motivated me to align her accessories on her desk; inviting further teasing among my mates but, this time I liked being teased. 

I still did not have any further information about her, nor did I realise anything special about this? To me, this was a sweet prank and I wasn't gonna let myself explore anything further about her. 

A day passed and it was Monday, she seemed a little late to work. Not sure if she noticed the changes on her desk, she retained the arrangement on her desk. It was evening when she asked my colleague for some assistance on logging a defect with some software. Both seemed helpless and I volunteered to sort it out by connecting with a friend of mine. A helpful person letting myself get teased, still without any serious intentions. 

Bidding a bye to her and enjoyed being teased by colleagues. Next day, she was referred to my lead for assistance. Day passed away but, this time my colleagues rushed to me, passing me on her name. I doubt if I ever wondered about her name, but my lovely colleagues took it furthermore by stalking her Facebook for more details. Without much excitement I joined the stalking to know something about her and let the thought off my mind. But then I gotta know all of her details within a very short time, I knew where she was from, where she did her education, details of her parents, her birthday and being warned about her brother. Her birthday was highlighted as it was same as the birthday of my colleague. 

I got back home, activating my Facebook and started to stalk her profile. I felt she was satisfying most of my strange criteria, inviting the wind breezing around me. I hardly remembered any slippages in the timeline of my life, as if I lost my memory, I decided to go ahead and made up my mind to go for it. 

I rang up two of my friends and one, let me go to her straight and get it cleared face to face and realise the possibility. The other one, expressed not to rush up, but friend zone her and patiently approach her. I preferred not to drag this further and build up a pressure. I rehearsed what I wished to convey her, still not sure about her response. I was very sure of not being slapped, even if, I was bold enough to have one in my memory. 

I had to pass through the nights with some difficulty, thinking back to back. Yes, this is too quick and with no clue of anything about her, she hardly knows anything about me. I was looking forward to have a formal proposal, that if things could be arranged between us, after letting her know my interest in her. I was prepared to let my thoughts out and clear my mind, I didn't know where my help came from! I was brave and bold to tell this to her, face to face. I only prayed, 'God, it wasn't me. I had to lose my memory for her and step back from my decision of not having a family or a committed life in the society'. Further, I prayed 'Oh God, do not let me down. I feel something positive, unusually and wanted to proceed to ask her. Do not let me down, for I did not induce this into my head'. Making up my mind, I grabbed a fit trouser with a pinky casual shirt, trying to present neat without much grooming, retaining my usual messed up appearance. 

She seems little early to office, I was waiting for her to step outside. I was too bold to say it openly ignoring all our colleagues in the floor, but I did not want to embarrass her. I waited for her to step out and I silently followed her after some delay. I lost her trace and I felt maybe it was too early; I was still looking for a better way and I prayed!

It was our lunch time and I sneaked out quite early for lunch, leaving behind my usual companions and I was looking around for her. It wasn't my time yet, finally I had to join my colleagues for lunch, I was wondering how could I meet her alone. Still something positive went through my mind and I felt a Godly vibe hinting me for things to happen at right time.

 

When I was about to finish my lunch, unexpectedly, my colleagues got a call and had to rush back for a meeting, leaving me behind. I felt this was my positive sign, still I wondered how I could pull her outside her cubicle area. Without an idea, I toed back to my block, gazing around for her. I secretly looked through the tinted glasses, her seat was empty! She wasn't there. But the positive vibes still didn't leave me, I was convinced that she's gonna be here soon and let me have walk towards the restroom. Taking few deep breaths, I walked towards the restroom, taking two turns and I saw her walking back, prettily looking in her Green kurtha kinda dress with her usual scarf around her neck. I felt blessed and wanted to remember this day, July 4th, 2018.

 

I called her... 'Hey Mary'. She stopped and looked at me. I didn't find her looking strange at me. She might have wondered why I was calling her. I went straight to her and looked over her eyes and said 'Mary, enik oru karyam parayanam, enik thanne ishtamaanu' which in Malayalam translates to 'Hey Mary, I wanna say you something! I kinda like you!'. Every second seems to have reduced by one fourth. First half of a second, she probably did not capture what was going on. I felt her eyes slowly closing in and quickly opening up her eyes quite bright and wide. I retained my pace and continued 'Njan thamasha alla parayunne, njan karyam aaytt serious aaytt paranjatha' . I further said, 'vere onnum vicharikaruth' which meant 'I am not kidding you, I am really serious about it! Do not think about anything else.', though I was specifically advised not to utter this negativity, I failed. I continued 'njan purakke nadannu shalyappeduthath illa. Njan paranju enn maatrm' which means, 'I am not gonna be behind you and disturb you. I just wanted to convey you'. She was blushing a lot without expecting someone to propose her all of a sudden, within few days. I had to tell this on the corridor nearby the lifts, without looking around or bothering the people around us. I guess she was a bit shy too, while I was so serious about my words without losing my pride. 

I would not call this as love at sight, it wasn't love nor a lust. I had always been fond of chasing the narrowest opportunity and only felt this was a hybrid approach of conventional style of arranging a marriage and a love based relationship. I was even prepared to get her will and take this up with her parents before letting my own parents know. Maybe I was confident about having a good job and having a good confidence in my own self. 

To me, she seemed conservative and traditional to good extent, which would satisfy my expectations. And I was still smart enough to understand that such a girl cannot accept a strange guy. In my friend's opinion, at least I was doing my part by conveying her, my interest and the rest would be automated if she feels interested. I felt it is wise to clear things then and there, rather than cooking up a lot of expectations pressuring my thoughts. 

I then realised she was started to respond to me, I was recalling my notion, while she was counting on for an answer. She finally said, 'illa, athu enik oru aal und'. I wasn't willing to hear this, she said, 'No, actually I have another person in my life...' and I could not feel immense confidence in her. I felt she wasn't sure about it. I asked her if she is telling me so as to avoid me. She denied by saying 'illa enik sathyamaattum vere oru aal und, athunkonda' where she assured the existence of another person in her life. I do not know why I didn't feel shattered, but I gathered a lot more pride and boldly conveyed her, 'Enna pinne maranoolu, vittek. Vere onnum vicharikalle pinne...' which translates as 'If it is so, then you may forget it. Do not think anything else...', and expressed her not to feel embarrassed about this. She seemed confident and acknowledged me that she would not feel embarrassed and we walked away with smiles, bidding a bye. 

I washed my face and grasped some breathe, looking my messed up hair and poorly maintained facial hair. Well, I am still myself without making me up for this, I am natural and I believe anybody can groom up anytime for the right person, and there is still time for the right moment. I walked back and pretended as if nothing happened. I was cool with my works, but my mind couldn't get rid off her relationship claims. My nature wanted me to investigate the truth before letting me believe it. Tightly managing my confusions without letting me emotionally down, I had to open up this with my friend via WhatsApp about her response. 

I wasn't satisfied yet, and luckily, my mates wanted to have a coffee and I felt it might be good to relax outside the closed environment. Meanwhile I met another close friend of mine, who returned back to work post a surgery. I greeted him and wished him for his return. When being asked, how was things going on?, I opened up seeking his advise and help. After enjoying a coffee and snacks with the team, I was walking back looking for all leads that could take me to know about her claims. I then realised the necessity of a female's role to help me with this. I invited my friend who was my colleague, for a talk on something personal and urgent. I let her mind to feel some shock, by letting her know all these happenings and sought her support in finding the truth. She was surprised to hear all those what had happened, and she asked me if this was the reason why I seemed dull post my lunch. Maybe, she wondered how things happened so quickly and secretly. I rushed back home, talking to my inner soul all through my way. I reached and started to analyse all possible mutual connections between us. I realised, I could still find some leads to know about her much better. I was using my colleagues and college friends trying to reach her out. 

She having a strong relationship would be painful to me, I do not know how this deepens in spite of my defensive attempts of not falling into this. When I sit back at home and started to think about the school she studied, there came my mom conveying me some news about the institution, I was thinking about! I ignored my mind voice that conveyed me this coincidence was to hint me that the positive vibe is still around me that will make way for us. Next day, I was in the middle of some prayer but, my thoughts were about the college she had studied, and then my mom interrupted me passing on some information about the college she had studied. And I felt, if this wasn't a God's will, then why do I feel such vibes? What have I done that I could feel a lot of things in my favour? 

When such signs constantly struck me, somewhere within my deep mind I experienced the proclamation by St.Thomas 'My Lord and My God'. I have no answers, but I know I have felt these in my past and those moments just disappeared without a word. But my human psychology didn't let me down this time, I felt the present isn't same as the past; this is a lot more positive, probable and intense sign. There is gonna be a good time and a chance for good. I turned myself to be positive looking for ways to find the truth. And now, I am stuck with something further complicated. During my 28 years of lifetime, I have never told such a wish openly to a girl and by looking at her face; since I had told one, now! I do not want her to let go. I fear, I would be losing the credibility in my life, in case I end up with someone else later. Accepting my weakness of not being able to understand human hearts and still upholding my faith in all these positive signs I had experienced all through this, I rely on the words of almighty. 'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you', I am choosing a path to seek the truth and live with the truth. I sincerely wish if I could have her, wonder where am I to go and say this; that I may have her and she may accept me with her own will!