I Am Just Human..

One moment you are driving along the highway singing to your favourite songs,and the next second you are lying in the woods, tattered clothes and a dead body beside you. They say life is more fun when you get things wild. I would have liked things lukewarm, but nobody asks me what I want.

The darkness is pressing down on me from all sides and I can barely see from the phone light, my clothes don’t seem to have any blood stain, so that’s good, just really tattered. For the life of me, I have no idea who this dude lying beside me is, his neck gutted like a pig in a slaughter house, the ruby red blood pooled around him. The murder weapon didn’t seem to be anywhere nearby, maybe I could find it in the daylight, but I am sure as hell, do not plan on waiting around for that. I picked my way through the woods following the GPS on my phone, trying to connect the dots on how I got here, and how to stay out of jail, since the police will certainly connect me to this incident, with my phone location and who knows how many other evidences I left behind during my blackout.

This wasn’t my first blackout, it has happened before, and something bad always happens then. Like a broken nose for the bully, a broken leg on the street dog who always used to torment me, shattered window of the old grumpy man who used to purposefully let his dog ruin my carefully grown garden. The bully never could look me in the eye after that, the dog ran away whining when it saw me, the grumpy man walked with an eye patch, holding tight on the leash of his dog.

I never had any recollection of what happens during that point, I just blanked out, and then woke back up in some random place, and hear about these stories. At first I didn’t give much notice to it, but I started seeing the special connections to my life, how my tormentors were the ones getting hurt. I felt bad for them, I really did, I tried making it up for them by doing nice things for them, like leaving some cupcakes for the bully, a nice bone for the dog, and a smile for the old man always…Now they all smile back at me too..I feel happy..But I was still worried about the black outs, I wanted to tell someone, but my foster parents weren’t an option, they didn’t care what happened to us, only about the monthly wages they get for looking after us, other adults weren’t an option too, they don’t tend to take us children too seriously, especially an orphan like me.

So I kept to myself, and then the secret became a part of me, the blackouts continued, and since it never seemed to cause too much damage or ever get me in trouble I let it be. Until today..I have never killed anyone before, and I didn’t kill today either, there is someone in my head..And it’s not me.

I have been aware of this, but I chose to ignore it, never tried to get in contact with it, thinking if I ignore it, I can deny it’s existence. But today it went too far. I don’t think it was fine to just kill someone, no matter what the circumstances, and I don’t even know who the dead guy is, he has never met me to cause me any problems.

I finally got to the highway, and there parked in a very lopsided manner, my car stood, and it looked undamaged. I got out some spare clothes that I always keep in the trunk. Then I got behind my wheel and drove back to my apartment making sure not to get any attention, driving carefully, I can’t afford to be noticed, not tonight.

Banging the door of my apartment hard, I threw off my shoes and went and stood in front of the mirror, my face looked haggard, sweat stained and tired, my eyes were bloodshot, it happens when I am angry, I am really angry now. Killing some random dude just doesn’t cut it. There are rules and laws to follow. I don’t care if you are just a damn spirit who lives within me, you just don’t murder.

Looking at the reflection on the mirror, my memory races back to the night of first contact. I had just come back from the office after hearing that my boss had got jumped by some unknown assailant, and was in the hospital. I knew I did it, and I was scared, for this had become a police investigation. I knew I would get caught. There is no way to explain, no way to prove my innocence. I shut the door to the bathroom and stood staring at the mirror, contemplating suicide, for this life is too damn hectic, where I keep losing control of who I am, where I lose myself within myself. As the thought started becoming more concrete in my head, a voice growled “no!” I looked around wildly, there was no one in the room, just me and my reflection. I looked at myself wildly, and was terrified at seeing the snarling face, the face spoke again “I know you are scared kid, but you shouldn’t give up like that in life, you are made of more sterner stuff than that. Sit back and listen to my story. I will explain to you how exactly we got here. It all started…I am a spirit, the evil kind I suppose. I take up human hosts and then kill of the original soul taking over the body. I was trapped by a source in a valley, hidden well away from human contact, for centuries, until you came by remember? Remember the accident?

When you fell into the valley while running away from that dog which always barks at you and tries to bite you.. “this feels different…Why does the darkness not feel so oppressive now…Wait..Am I..Am I finally free..yes..All this waiting for who knows how many years, I can finally stalk the Earth again spreading chaos…Huh..Why is everything still dark ,am I imagining this freedom..Oh great.. think I accidentally trapped myself in a dead body..Oh fuck no..It can’t end like this..Not after waiting all these centuries..I cannot stand this smell either…It smells like rotten fish..Wait..I can smell..I am still alive. This body is still useful, just knocked out. Yes he seems to be waking up, I kept silent, I will take over the body when the time is right..Wait..It’s just a child..I have never taken over a child.” …That child was you…I saw your memories, an orphan from a very young age, abusive foster parents, bullies, but you always tried to be kind, to be nice to the world that gave you nothing but pain…I felt sad for you, I wanted to take care of you…So I did..I became your guardian demon. I did things you never could. I took care of your problems for you..I do it to because I care for you kid, not just because if your body dies then I die too, don’t worry, I am in your team…I know you are scared..Don’t worry, just go to sleep..I will take care of you kid…

That was a weird night for me, scared the shit out of me, but it explained so much about the shit that happened to me. I thought if I am crazy, then I just ignore that I am crazy, and let things be. I mean..What harm can it cause me..Until tonight I have never tried contacting the demon again. I stared at the mirror, and took out the scissors that I keep for trimming my moustache “it’s time we talk spirit, you have a lot of answering to do” I traced a path of blood on my wrist, the pain sending tingles down my arm, my fingers twitched almost sending the scissors falling from my fingers. but I kept my resolve strong, I knew he could hear my thoughts, and I made sure he knew I meant business, I will talk to him tonight, and get my answers, or I will kill myself, taking him with me.

The snarl was back on my face, I looked into the angry eyes, my eyes, but the emotions behind them were unearthly, not human. The snarl turned into a mutilated grin “hey kid, long time no talk, how have you been…Wait wait don't tell me, I know..Hehe…So you want to know about the murder…Well you are right..That guy never did anything to us, I just picked him off the street, and killed him to get your attention..” “what the hell!! My attention?? You killed someone to get my attention? What the hell do you mean??” “Well kid, it gets lonely in your head, and you never come to talk..You purposefully ignore me, never thanking me..You enjoy your life while I do all the hard work..also, I am a demon spirit, I have some evil karma to spread if you didn’t know..We don’t get to be immortal and not work at all..So I thought a murder would get your attention, and also help me catch up you are all grown up, time to get used to this life kid. I have let you free for long enough” “you mean this is my life from now?? No..No …I won’t let you roam free…I won’t let you make me into a murderer” “hey hey kid…What are you doing..Stop kid” he was too slow to stop me, I opened the lid of the sleeping pills and downed the whole container…And a few more just to make sure..I fell in slow motion, the scream in my head echoing…I was still conscious…I could feel my body being dragged by my unresponsive hands…He took the phone and I heard his raspy demon voice tell the operator about me poisoning myself..I heard him tell the address before I fainted..

I woke up in the half open dress that keeps my ass open to the whole wide world, the kind patients wear. I opened my eyes faintly, I heard someone say “he is awake, go get the police constable, he had asked to be informed when the patient wakes to get the statement” I was soon awake, telling my whole tale to the constable, my high pitched fear filled voice pleading them to believe me, but I knew I sounded crazy, even I was starting to think so, disbelief written in the eyes of the constable, doctor and nurses.

“After conducting extensive tests and sessions with the individual in question, I am of the opinion that he is a very much disturbed and ill person, in need of psychiatric health care by admitting him immediately to a mental hospital. The actions of his, was done under his assumed blackouts, where his brain chose to forget the acts to give himself a clean conscience. But he started making connections, and his brain made the character of an evil spirit, so that everything can be explained. I think this started after a particular accident in his childhood where he was traumatised by a street dog which ran him down a valley where he was unconscious for hours. When people finally found him, they stated that he was incoherent and talking gibberish. After that incident, the actions started where the blackouts erased all memories. The constant stress on his mind had finally snapped him, causing him to attempt suicide. I feel he is a danger to himself and to society at this point. That's all your honour” “Thank you doctor, the court will take your opinion into consideration during the verdict, please answer to further summons in case any further help is required, you can go now” ”Thank you your honour” The doctor pushed the half moon spectacle up his nose as he looked with sympathy towards the lost looking young man, as he stood with downcast head in the stand, surrounded by policemen, his hand lay limp in shackles. He was a nice young man, he had spend a lot of time with the young man over the court mandated sessions, and the doctor felt sad that another light had to dim from this world now..The doctor walked defeated, thinking about the evils in of the world..One thought led to another, and he thought about his wife, he knew she was cheating on him…But what can he do…His daughter…He couldn’t risk losing her in the divorce..He didn’t know what to do..He was near his car by then.. “we should kill her ” a voice growled through the night air..The doctor was surprised and scared..What was that..There was no one around him..He saw his reflection in the car window, the snarl which would haunt him forever..