My Mother Dictator

I have always been a caring person towards my parents, more so my dear mother because she was a female. I have this habit of making every female who associates with me, comfortable by bending backwards. However, when I had to select who to make more comfortable among my mother and my new wife, my life started getting irritating.

I have known my mother to be a very caring person- she raised three kids, managed three successful marriage ceremonies and survived a whole lot of other hell. Naturally, in my childhood, my sister and I were brought up in the strictest atmosphere at home by none other than my dear mother.

Please don’t get me wrong. I love my mother. However, I do not like her habit of wanting to control everything that happens to me and anyone else who associates with me. She had been in charge of the household in my childhood. She juggled work and home. This was no mean task. However, she did it unflinchingly for 30 years. (I am 30 now).

My father had been a patient man and he used to step aside whenever my mother took on the reins. So, I and my sister had to follow our mother’s orders when we were kids because she knew what was good and bad for us. Our mother pointed out our mistakes during our childhood and would pull us up each time we made them.

Our mind was so programmed to behave like she wanted us to behave that life with my new wife became difficult after marriage. We all have a small voice called conscience in our heads, which tells us what to do and what to avoid. For me and my sister, this voice was my mother. What was surprising was that I found listening to her profitable for me.

I topped the school exams, got into a good college and I opted to continue with academics (she had made me do my masters instead of getting a job right after college) which have landed me a great job at college. Then, I got married to my sweetheart of three years. She was with me in junior college and since then we had started courting each other.

However, we married only when I was ready to have her into my family. I had to be financially independent before I got married. After marriage, I decided to stay on with my parents because of my love for my mother. Moreover, our decision was based on the fact that my younger sister had married and moved to Poona, leaving my aged parents alone.

Therefore, I decided to stay put in my parents’ home after marriage. Even my new wife did not have any hassles with my decision. We had a big house, had a household caretaker and our house had more rooms than inhabitants. Therefore, living there was much more comfortable for me and my new wife after marriage.

My new wife loved her home and she began to take decisions on decorating our bedroom in her way. My wife was a self-taught interior designer and therefore, she used her skill to decorate our bedroom. When my mother came to know of this, she started giving my wife lessons on how to decorate our bedroom such that I would like it very much.

Although, my wife was annoyed at my mother’s interference, she did not mention it. This interference also manifested itself in our issue of having a child. I and my wife wanted to wait for some years after getting married so that we could become more financially stable before having a child. However, my mother started forcing my wife to start a family.

We were barely six months into our married life when she asked my wife when we were planning to have kids. She wanted us to have kids as soon as possible because she wanted to play with her grand-children before death took her away from us. Initially, my wife did not mind her interference. But, as time passed, my mother’s endearments became more forced.

My wife tried to explain to her that both of us planned to have a child only after my wife became comfortable in her new job. But, my mother would not listen. One day I came home to a heated conversation between my wife and my mother. This was a minor feud between them over having a child.

Mother: It’s about time

Wife: We have been married for six months now. I wish to get settled in a nice job first.

Mother: It never is the right time for your generation. I had two kids when I was your age.

Wife: You lived in a different age, Maa.

Mother: None of you are getting younger. And we want to see the grandkids before we die.

Wife: I am not bearing kids just so you get to see your grandkids before you die.

There was an angry retort after this. I did not have to intervene. The matter slowly died out. It came up again on dinner a few weeks later.

And this is just a minor example. My wife, Rani, had bought new furniture for our bedroom. She came back from office one day to find the furniture readjusted. My mother, in her wisdom, had placed the bed near the wall. My wife wanted the bed near the window. I tried talking to my mother about it but she did not really want to listen.

My wife rarely complained about little things that bothered her and it bothered me as well. My mother dictated we should not eat out so much and how I should not have any female friends after marriage. She complained about how my wife had male friends which was not good.

And the kitchen was the common fighting arena. No matter what my wife and I prepared, she did not like it. She even told us what to cook and whenever there was a crisis in the kitchen, she did not stop even for once to blame Rani.

Even when Rani tried her best to make something to please maa (even though Rani will never admit it), she would find fault with it. Constructive criticism is fine but forever criticizing is not constructive.

But, over the years, her wanting to control every aspect of my married life was making us agitated. My father would intervene but to no use. She named the child after her grandmother; which Rani did not have a problem with. Then she started demanding we take her to a child specialist because she was not talking much.

Every little ailment got her worried so much so that my wife did not have any say in matters pertaining to her own child. My mother meddled in everything – what clothes should she wear, when she should start eating solid food, when should she sleep. It was like she could not let go of the reins for even a minute.

My wife never really argued much, juggling between work and home was tough enough. My mother also suggested my wife should stay home with the baby but never let her take any decision. She used to be like “I will feed her. Why don’t you go do your other work?”

The emotional toil we were going through was too much. It was my sister who suggested we move out. So we moved out of the house. But I made sure we stay 15 minutes away from my parents so that, I can fulfil the role of my being a good son too.