Love, Vengeance and Regret

Wherever there is LOVE, there should only be LOVE and nothing else. Anything that comes in between LOVE, doesn't let it to prosper, instead turns everything upside down, and when VENGEANCE carves a niche between LOVE, then even trust kills itself and the only thing that's left out after that is REGRET.

Life always, is full of puzzling hurdles in each and every step we move ahead. As we go further in our busy and unworthy life we come across a lot of unwanted puzzles which often makes us feel that why are we here? Why is it that we come across it? Well this is why I said it as an unworthy life. Every moment of passing boulders on our way makes us feel that this is not happening. This is not worthy of what we should actually have. But friends I guess this is what life is. We face a number of situations in our lives and also get out of such, somehow.

But there are some situations that force us to get helpless. Such situations never get solved but gets more complicated when one tries to get into it. Such moments doesn't help us to come out of it, in fact pushes us deeper into the dark. Well one such situation has come up to me and now I am in a great darkness. The only thing I need is a ray of light that will pull me back into the life of brightness. But how will be that possible?

Well to get acquainted with my situation you should know why I am here right now. It didn't start like this. I was never as confused in my entire life as I am now. Why is it that when people gets happy; troubles comes as a reward? Why is it that people get joys and sorrows as a combo package?

Well someone said that joys and sorrows are all part of life and one should accept it. But why is it that happiness doesn't last long as for sorrows, it seems for forever. This was not a long time back. I still remember the Sunday morning in the month of July. The monsoon had just hit the city and it was pouring outside since the previous night. I was on my study table doing some work on my laptop with a cup of hot coffee. It was a nice view through the window of the heavy rain and people struggling into it. This didn’t go for long as there was a bang at my door, and before I could react I found myself being dragged by two people in uniform.

I was dragged down from the fourth floor to ground floor in front of the whole society and was pushed into a van of justice. “What’s the matter?” “What have I done?” “Why are you people taking me?” These were the only things that were coming from me and “Shut up your mouth” was the only answer coming from there. After a half an hour of rainy drive we reached the station and I was again dragged into it. They made me sit on a bench and everyone went busy in their work. I was frequently asking the same questions but was not getting any replies. Instead, I was made shut. An hour passed and nothing happened. I was confused this whole time and was unable to think anything as my mind surrendered seeing the policemen.

Time was moving by on the same bench and I was digging into the floor with my eyes when I heard a familiar voice calling Harsh. It was Jatin who called my name, my roommate. He came running towards me and before I could say anything, he asked, “Did you talk to Tanisha last night?” I was completely in confusion and hearing him said, “Yes! Why so? Why did you ask this? In fact, why am I here?” With a very sad face and lowered tone he said, “She committed suicide last night.” These words of Jatin left me with astonishment and tears. I was unable to think what to do. The entire scenario was getting hard for me to understand.

Before I could ask anything the officers came and took me into the interrogation room. I was interrogated thoroughly but later was released as they couldn’t find me as the reason for her death. My life that was going perfect few hours ago, changed entirely. The reason for happiness in my life became the only reason for its destruction. The girl who was my life, the girl I loved was no more in my life. She was long gone and I was left all alone with her memories and some sweet reminiscence of us together. I was unable to believe that she is no more in this mortality as I could still feel her. Her smiles were still in front of my eyes, her sweet voice was still playing in my ears, and I could still feel the warmth of her touch. Going far into immortality, she was still living somewhere around me. With her feelings which I was left with, was moving ahead in my life taking her memories with me until this day.

It was a fine evening when I was sitting in the park where people were busy in their lives enjoying with family and friends. On the other hand I was sitting idle thinking something that I was unaware of. Yes, of course I didn’t know what was I thinking and why I was sitting there. But it was not for that only day but it was a daily routine. Every day was the same old as a scheduled one. Every evening I used to sit on the very same bench and pass the entire evening. But that evening was a bit different that changed everything in my life. That evening came with a storm that took me with it and my entire life was twirled around.

As per my daily schedule, on the bench, doing nothing, I was there that day too. With my head down, gazing at the ground, I was thinking about the hollow emptiness of my life as always when I felt a presence of someone in front of me. A soft voice poured into my ears hitting my eardrums gently which said, "Hi Harsh!" Listening to this, I reacted slowly by lifting my head up and getting the view of a pair of beautiful, blue and sparkling eyes which took me to a place which I could imagine only in my dreams. Remaining at that lovely place for a while, I was brought back by her when she again said, "Hi Harsh!" I, with a stammering voice, coming back to the senses, replied, "Hey, Rashmi."  She continued, "Nice to see you here. I have been looking for you for a long time. Where were you?" I was a bit shocked thinking why this girl is looking for me. Before I could come to any conclusion she continued with her conversation in which she was the speaker and I was the listener. She said, "I heard about your incident. It was a sad incident. I am so sorry for that." Saying this she held my hand and I was again sent back to that day which brought the greatest turmoil in my life. It was very tough for me to get out of that memory and with time I was trying to do so but was back again. Each and every moment was coming as a flashback to me and I was shattering into pieces once again. I was in tears as I couldn't control myself. Seeing me like this, she held me so tightly that I could feel the pain in her grasp. But I didn't do anything except crying and crying. She was consoling me continuously by saying something or the other which I don't remember because I didn't hear any. After few moments of my pain and her consoling I stopped shredding tears but still something was there within, that was weeping.

Well after this session of weeping and consoling, I was unable to sit there so I got up releasing myself from her grasp and started walking away. Soon it started raining heavily but I continued walking. It seemed that even the Heaven was weeping for my grief. I didn't walk for long when I was held again from behind. I recognized the feel of the hold. It was Rashmi's. She came running after me and held me. This time it was different. Her touch was sensational giving me goose bumps in the heavy rain. The warmth of her breath, hitting my skin was giving me a comfort in the chilled out climate. Before I could react to all these actions she said, "I want to say something to you." I didn't react to her words and just removed myself from her hold and started walking. "You cannot walk away from me like this", she said. "You have to listen what I feel for you." I didn't stop as I was in my own thoughts and was unhearing her words. "I love you Harsh" was the next voice that hit my ears that prevented my legs to move ahead a single step. I turned around and was gazing at her totally confused. She continued with her sweet voice which was a bit emotional that moment, "Yes, I love you Harsh. I love you a lot. I have loved you since I first saw you in the college. There is not a single moment that I haven't admired you. But was unable to confess my love for you. I can bear anything in my life but seeing you like this I cannot bear. I cannot see you falling apart from your life. I was happy when you were with Tanisha because you were happy. I didn't feel bad as you were not beside me instead seeing you smiling I felt being in Heaven. But seeing you like this I couldn't help myself saying you about my feelings. Please Harsh; please don't do this to you." Well I was listening to this speech of her and was getting a shock in every word coming out of her mouth. She was in tears saying her part; well I must say her feelings. I went to her slowly without uttering a single word held her hand and started walking. I didn't even look into her eyes but I knew she was looking at me expecting some words from me. I escorted her to her house and during the whole journey of walking together she kept looking at me with her eager eyes. She was in tears and I know she might have cried the whole night.

Well what she did whole night I don't know but I didn't sleep that night. Each and every moment of whatever happened this evening was not letting me to lie on bed. Each and every word she spoke was clearly repeating itself in my ears. I kept thinking of her the whole night. It was very tough for me to pass that night. But somehow it passed and the new day started with the new rays of the sun. Well I was worried about her. What did she do whole night, I was unaware of that. So I went straight away to her house early in the morning. I didn’t go inside instead I called her and said to meet me at the same place where we met yesterday in an hour. I went to the place and was waiting for her to come. I don’t know why her face kept appearing in front of my eyes, why her voice, her words kept disturbing my ears. I was thinking hard and was lost in these thoughts when she came and sat beside me. She didn’t say a word. For a minute or two I didn’t bother but then I came back to my senses knowing that she came.

I looked into her eyes and before I could say anything I was moved by her looks. She was looking so beautiful as if god has sent a fairy from the Heaven. Though by her eyes, it didn’t take long for me to know that she cried whole night. Yet she was looking like a princess. I was unable to decide what to say to her. She was sitting beside me quietly. I knew she was eager to have answers. I, without delaying further started softly, “Look Rashmi, whatever you said last evening I don’t know what to say. I am still confused after whatever happened yesterday. I can understand your feelings and I respect it but I don’t know whether I am ready for it. I cannot bear another pain of love. I am totally shattered.” On hearing this she held my hand and said, “I am happy you shared your feelings with me. It’s alright if you don’t love me but we can still be friends. At least I am proud I am in company of that guy whom I love a lot.” These words of her gave me a sigh of relief and then after having a chat for another few hours we went our homes.

Since then, we met each other every day and became very close friends. Every moment we were together and if not we kept in touch through phones. Days passed and through these passing moments, got intense our relation. I never proposed her but somehow she knew that I had a feeling for her. But with these moments passing by she got serious with our relation. I was unaware of this situation of hers until one day. The day, which I was talking about, right from the beginning. The day that changed my entire life and never went back on tracks. That day when we were supposed to meet she came with a different plan. She came to me and said, “Harsh, I cannot bear this anymore. I cannot be like this to you anymore further. I love you Harsh. Why is it so difficult for you to realize that? I cannot live without you. These meetings in the park, chatting and talking over the phone for hours I cannot do just for the sake of friendship. Tell me Harsh that you love me else I will have myself killed. I cannot even think of living a moment without you.”

With these words of her coming to my ears, I burst into laughter. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Well guys, you might be confused, why I was laughing. Don’t worry as the same was the situation for Rashmi. She was totally confused and was into some thoughts. Well let me take away your confusion guys. “What happened Rashmi?”, I started. “Are you confused? I expected exactly the same expression from you. What did you think that I would love you, after what you did to me and to my Tanisha? Do you even know why she committed suicide? Do you even know what the reason that made her to do so was? It was you Rashmi, only you. She knew about your feelings towards me and she had a doubt that I had cheated her. She died because of you. You are one and only reason she is not with me today. Do you know I can still feel her presence today? After going away from me she is still somewhere present with me and I am sure wherever she is she would be happy to see this.” Listening to these cruel words of mine blaming her for everything happened to me she burst out in tears. But I didn’t stop. I continued, “All these days that we were together I was playing with you and your feelings waiting for this day to come. You don’t know Rashmi how eagerly I was waiting for this to happen. Your tears are extinguishing the fire of vengeance that was in my heart since her death. And now it’s all over. I had my vengeance of love.”  Saying this I left her alone in there, crying.

But this was not the end friends. I came to my house and went directly to my room. I was completely restless. I couldn’t even sit for moment. Every time I could see Rashmi’s crying face in front of me. That face of her was haunting me. I knew that I was wrong somewhere. I knew that whatever I did was wrong. But why was I feeling like that? I wanted this right from the beginning and when I have achieved it, why am I feeling so bad? Why am I feeling guilty? Why my heart is not ready to accept the pain I gave to her?

It’s because though I was playing with her feelings but in order to do so I fell in love with her. I was unacquainted with this feeling but now when everything is over, and now when I am away from her I am unable to bear the pain. It was a painful and confusing moment for me. I was thinking over this and the moments that we shared were passing by my visions. It started raining heavily outside and all of a sudden I realized whether she went back home or not. I left her all alone in the park. I started running towards the park and reached there in no time fully drenched. But she was not there. I was worried whether she went home or not. I couldn’t see her in trouble. I tried her mobile but of no result. I ran towards her house and saw her on the way sitting on a bench on the roadside with tears in her eyes that was getting invisible in rain. I went to her and sat beside her. I didn’t know what to say to her. I was in love with her but was unable to say that to her. After a long silence I decided to say her something but before I could say something she said a very strange thing. It was the truth that I was unaware of and trust me friends it was the bitterest of all. This truth turned my life upside down. She said,”Do you know Harsh, before Tanisha attempted suicide she called me and said everything. You were right Harsh, she had a misunderstanding regarding us and before I could do anything she took that step. I rushed to her apartment and saved her.”  As I heard this I was shocked. It seemed that the lightning struck straight to me. Though it was raining but in my life it was a storm.”Yes Harsh” she continued, “she is still alive”. I took her to the hospital where the doctors cured her. After getting well I explained everything to her regarding my feelings and also about our relationship which was nothing. Well Harsh it’s strange that nothing changed after months of that incident. Now also there is nothing in our relationship.” I was in tears now. I wanted to hold her and confess everything about my feeling but was unable to do so. She continued that she made her promise not to say anything about her well being to you as she was ashamed of facing you. “She loves you a lot, Harsh. I’ll give you the address you go and meet her. May be she is more lucky than me to have you. May be I am not meant for you. You can go to her. She will be happy to have you”. Saying this she stood and went away and I was left alone on the bench in tears.

I was left there with nothing but Regret. Why did I do this to her. I am so sorry Rashmi that I did this to you. But please try to understand that may be Tanisha is alive but she is already dead for me and the only one in my life is you Rashmi, only you. Friends I am so unlucky that even fate has turned away from me. These feelings of mine for Rashmi are true but she is nowhere to know this. She left the city to which place, no one knows. The only thing I know is she wants me to go to Tanisha but she doesn’t know that Tanisha is no more in my life but she. I am left with confusion what to do. Where did you go Rashmi? Please come back to me. Please give one chance to your LOVE? Please Rashmi, please.

Life of mine has become a punishment for me. I had everything in my life. I had my LOVE, I had my stupid and false VENGEANCE and now I am left only with REGRET. But this is what life is. I will regret my deeds till the end and will keep searching for my love. Till then friends, pray for me and remember when you love someone there should be only space for love and no vengeance. Because if vengeance carves a niche in between love then it leaves no place for love. All that remains is, Regret.