Aliens Vs. Idiots

It was written in 2014, for a B school competition, which had asked to bring together some celebrities and popular fictional characters and make up a funny story. Not much has changed, it can still be read, I think. Write-up is very silly and stupid.

Sheldon – Sheldon has got Nobel prize now and Big Bang Theory has ended this year

Alok Nath – Some bad sexual harassment allegation, he is not that sanskari

Alia Bhatt – She is not dumb. She is smart and has given many good performances and many hits by now.

Shaktiman – Sorry Shaktiman was a joke used by its regular viewers, because of educational videos done by Shaktiman

Arnab and Subramanina Swamy – they are worse now, also more powerful

*******

It was a fine Sunday evening at the University of Delhi, North Campus. After a seminar on how to be awesome by the revered Professor Rajnikant, Sheldon, Alok Nath, Alia Bhatt, Gangadhar (Shaktiman) and Arnab Goswami stayed in the room chatting while others had left.

Suddenly they heard a loud noise, they came to the door of the room and looked out. They saw 6 creatures with gun-like-things coming towards their room, shooting in all the directions. A spaceship was lying in the courtyard, the building across the courtyard was on fire and a pall of heavy smoke was rising in the air. The aliens were around 5 feet tall humanoids of green color, and had identical blue marks on their forehead. They entered the room and pointed their guns at Alia. Everyone else was under benches hiding, except Alia, because she was dumb…struck.

“We have to talk to your leader, who is your leader?” Alien1 spoke, who looked like their leader.

She thought for a minute then replied with a puzzled look, “Anil Kapoor?”. She had watched Nayak movie recently, dubbed in English.

Where can we find him?

Mumbai maybe…. but he might be somewhere else for shooting.

What nonsense, we are asking who could we talk to here.

Suddenly the alien standing farthest inside the room sat down clasping his head in the hand, other one standing near him also felt dizzy. Alien1 standing near the door understood the situation and ordered everyone to come out of the room quickly. He smelled piss, they were not able to stand the smell, and it was dangerous for them. He understood that others are inside, it was Sheldon who had pissed his pants. He put the gun on Alia’s head and asked everyone to come out else he would kill her. One by one, they came out.

Sheldon cried, “Please Mr. Alien don’t shoot me. I am one of the most intelligent persons on this planet.”

Alien5: You are the one who pissed his pants, you nearly killed us if you had a bigger bladder.

Sheldon: What do you want, tell me? If you want to drink human blood … drink theirs? They are healthier than me, I am skinny. Besides, I might be having some infection, I ate a samosa in the canteen today. I am not even clean now. Please, don’t shoot me? Oh god! Oh deity in which I don’t believe, please save me. I have not even won the Nobel Prize yet.

Alien3: Shut up!

Gangadhar thought of doing quick rotation and turning into Shaktiman, but one of the aliens fired his gun and he was caught by a ray, he was unable to move.

Arnab had composed himself by then and he shouted, “Mr. Alien, you cannot move around with guns threatening people. You will have to face consequences of that. You have to tell what you want. The nation demands an answer. Solar system demands an answer. Galaxy and universe demand an answer.”

By that time, Alok Nath was standing near Alien1. He took his hands up, he was holding a thermos, strangely it was made of clay, made of desh ki mitti. The time he was shifting bit by bit towards Alien1, he was also taking it out of his dhoti.

Alok: Everyone put his weapons down, and leave my friends. I am holding a thermos, which is having cow-piss. This is what I drink daily. This flask is made of clay, if it fell on the floor, it might be deadly for you guys, it is a lot. I heard you telling your problem with piss. (He mentally thanked his babuji for giving him such values).

Alia gave him a disgusted look. Others avoided his stuff anyway because they thought he was a weirdo, but she always took a sip when she got a chance. She used to think that it was coconut water.

Alien1 was able to smell it, and he knew that Alok is not bluffing. He ordered others to put their guns down. The situation was reversed now. Gangadhar took the opportunity to turn into Shaktiman quickly.

Sheldon: We should shoot them quickly, in all the Alien horror movies Aliens always manage to kill all but one person. I don’t want to guess who that will be.

Alok: Calm down Sheldon. Violence might be in American culture, but Indians try to find solutions peacefully.

“Huh”, Shaktiman rolled his eyes. He thought about all the crimes in India, even he is not able to tackle daily and shrugged. “Ok, why did you come here and are spreading this much destruction.”

Alien1: We were simply standing in the space, peacefully keeping our eyes on earth, suddenly our spaceship was hit by an asteroid and we crashed. We panicked and started shooting just to deter others, as we know that Delhi is crime-capital of India!

“You could have asked that politely, I could have given you my iPhone charger.” Alia said helpfully.

Sheldon: Interesting, that you think so. That is generally not good enough to charge iPhone for 1 day. Can you explain how you power your ship?

Alien1: Our spaceship is fine even after crash, but our nuclear engine is not working. Back up engine of our spaceship is powered by “bad news”. Because nothing travels faster than bad news, bad news has humongous amount of kinetic energy. Our receiver captures bad news present in the atmosphere and converts it into energy. Bad news started decreasing here sometime after we came this time few weeks back.

Sheldon: That looks highly unlikely. Nothing has changed. We still have bad news, my department is still asking me to take leaves, and Amy is still asking me to go on dates with her. What has changed?

Alia: Ya, my new movies also didn’t do well. Though Varun Dhawan compared me to some Roberto, I don’t know if that might have affected anything.

Shaktiman (sadly): I am still not able to date Geeta Biswas. I can’t do it as Shaktiman and she still thinks that Gangadhar is a dork.

Alok (took a sigh): And me. They are still making jokes on me. What has changed!

Aliens felt like killing themselves, these guys are so self-centric they thought.

Alien3: Individual problems are not that much useful, they are not talked that much. Media news is more helpful, a lot of people talk about them. When we reached here in Dec 2013, then your country was the biggest energy source we had encountered till now, whatever anyone was saying about others was bad only...

Arnab shouted: How dare you say that we have more negative news than Arab countries, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Africa?

Alien1: Calm down man at least for some time, for god’s sake. Whatever happens there that is so normal that it has stopped becoming news, unlike in your country. Since end of Jan 2014, very surprisingly comedy news replaced bad news and since May it became euphoria. We have also never encountered such fickle people like you.

Arnab: Mr. Alien, can you explain what do you mean by fickle. Do you mean that we change our colors like chameleons? We are not reliable?

Alien1: that is not what...

Arnab: Did you just interrupt me? How dare you call us chameleons? You come to my show, snoop on us and then call us chameleons also...

Alien1: I just…

Arnab: You interrupted me again! Never, ever try to interrupt me on my show.

Alia: What kind of melons change color? I have to try them sometime. Will they make me change colors too? Maybe becoming more white complexioned might make my movies hit. I want to look like a polar bear.

Arnab: For Alia, I will explain. Chameleon is a hybrid of pig and bat, it looks like a monkey and it can change colors. This green goblin dared to call us chameleon. Now, can you repeat yourself?

Alien: Come on man, this is not being telecast. And I did not mean in a negative sense.

Alien2: I will kill you, you called us green goblins!

Alok: Be calm. Lord Shri Krishna has said in Geeta that anger is the reason behind the fall of the man. We should not give in to anger. This blue tilak on your head tells that you go to temples, and you are sanskari.

Alien2: This is not a tilak! We are born with this mark. We don’t have temples or even the concept of god.

Alok: Oh, is it. Anyway, Arnab beta, say sorry to them. You spoke loudly to them; what reputation they will have of our country.

Arnab: Sorry Shaktiman.

Shaktiman: oh come on, say it to them.

Arnab: Sorry Mr. Alien. 

Shaktiman: Ok, let us think about solving their issue. What can bring a lot of bad news, your crashing here should have brought it?

Alien: No, we are not able to sense it. Something is encountering it, some cricket match being played, discount offers, or some movie released recently. Also, our main receiver is broken and we only have a battery that should be changed manually. This can be done by going to a lot of cynical people but that will take a lot of time. Or, if someone is containing an extraordinarily large amount of bad news in his brain.

Arnab (with a smirk): With congress doing so bad in all the elections, we should get Rahul baba maybe.

Alien1: No, no. It is that guy’s interview only, with some idiot since when comedy started dominating the airwaves. We researched later. This interviewer is a complete moron, on our planet, he will be in a mental asylum.

Arnab (angrily): I AM THAT INTERVIEWER. You called me an idiot. I will kill you!

Arnab was really going to shoot him, but Alok scolded him and asked Alien1 to say sorry to him.

Alien1: Sorry Shaktiman.

Shaktiman: Oh, come on. You too!

Alien1: Oops! Sorry, Arnab.

Shaktiman closed his eyes and used his Kundalini power. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes. “I have found two such people close by. Let us try them.”

They stopped near a bungalow.

Amazing, what kind of creature lives here!

Oh, it is Sonia Gandhi. Rahul’s brain might not have many thoughts in it, but I thought Sonia might be having some. What else can it be other than bad? I was correct.

Our battery is 15% charged. Let’s go to the second person.

I think so, let’s go.

They got down near another bungalow.

Wow, our battery is fully charged! Now we can take two trips between you and our planet. Who might be living here, this guy is more powerful than a nuclear bomb!

Subramanian Swami. He also has opinions on everything, mostly negative, like burning history books and taking citizenship from Muslims. He doesn’t need facts, everything comes from within for him.

They reached near the spaceship. There was no one in sight. College students were busy in their rooms, playing games on their laptops, smoking weed and drinking or just browsing the internet. Most of them were not even aware of the spaceship, earphones didn’t let them listen to anything or they were too high to care. When aliens visited earth the first time, they even thought that earphones are some body parts which most human beings have got except a few.

It had been two hours but there were no policemen in sight, as no police station was willing to accept that this area came under their jurisprudence. When defense ministry came to know about this, 30 minutes after the crash, the air force was ordered. Two Sukhois were sent, but they crashed on their way from Agra base to Delhi. A fleet of indigenously developed HAL helicopters was sent from Agra base after that, they had reached till Noida by the time, they were supposed to reach the spot by morning. They were designed to have speed similar to UP buses. These were only available aircraft at this nearest base because all deals to get some modernized weaponry in recent years got marred by corruption charges and got canceled.

Meanwhile, army was also marching from their base near parliament but was facing difficulty because people had run away leaving their vehicles on the roads. There was no public either, they were hiding. It was not that some poor North-Easterner or some Africans had to be beaten that public will gather there and show its bravery.

Alok Nath insisted on doing an arti and breaking a coconut near their spaceship. After this was done, the aliens proceeded to board the ship. Sheldon advised them to conduct drills frequently. Alia asked them to watch her movies when they get released on their planet. Alok Nath was sobbing, suddenly he remembered that he forgot to give them prasad for their home, but the ship was airborne by then.