She

She has something to say but she was always quite. I thought she was happy but, I never expected a dark phase in her life. She is not my mother, not my sister, not my friend, not my wife.

I saw a complete cycle of her life. But, I don’t know why she did this.

When she was born. I saw her mother was so proud that it’s a girl and she looks so cute. Her face is always smiling. That warm moment for her mother saying that my daughter is not less than a warrior. Her mother decided that she was a future doctor.

She is very intelligent, she was active & she was also sensitive.

She has died when she was 26 years old.

Yes, she committed for suicide.

And this happened when I went for my Europe trip and returned when I heard the news that she was no more.

Her room is full of silence and a candle under her photo frame.

I found a dairy in her room. Actually, it’s not a dairy.

It’s a book. About a female life and her pain.

And the book name is “SHE”.

She was a writer. She published her first book without her mom’s permission. Because, her mother always discouraged her when she said about her passion.

I want to read this book and let her mother know how beautiful her writings are,

I’m a female body of innocent soul. Writing this book with experiences of hate, pain and no love Story.

She has some scars on her. Every scar has a story, every story has pain and every pain is a step for her suicide.

( when she was eight years old, one fine day )

She: mummy, I want to learn dance.

Mummy: no, get ready for the tuition first.

She: mummy, that tuition sir was always rude with me. He is..

Mummy: stop!

That tuition master always touches her without any reason in improper way. She can’t tell about this to her mother.

Sir: why are you late? ( touched her breast and pulled her front)

She: I’m sorry for being late.

Sir: take this chocolate.

She: no sir, I don’t want this.

Sir: take this chocolate or else I’ll leave you in dark room.

She was so dread and took that chocolate.

( last time when she refused to take his chocolate he took her to a dark room and miss behaved by removing her dress, touching her private parts and slapping there. )

Her writings are bold and I never expected the depth in her writings.

Last time when I went into her room without her permission, she shouted on me saying “it’s my room, my free place. Please go out.”.

I still remember those words.

“I’m sorry for entering your room and taking that dairy” he apologised her. Seeing her photo and started crying.

I turned the page and started reading . after seeing those lines, I really started hating myself for being a men. It’s not a book of pain. It’s a pain of a girl, her life of pain.

I’m angry with what God is doing with me. I can’t be able to live this life.

She: uncle, can you please change the size of my dress it’s too loose for me.

Tailor: ok! I’ll do. Let me take your measurements.

I don’t know why? I said to change the size near my waist of my dress. But he is touching my ass and breast placing that measuring tape there.

And he said “madam, next time please visit our shop only. I’ll give you discount”. By making his lips wet.

She was irritated and went home.

Mother: is your dress done?

She went into her room and started crying.

For the first time. She wrote a note saying that “bloody men always need an extra lady in their life to satisfy them physically “. Leaving that note in her dairy, she attempted for suicide.

Might be a bad sign of her, that attempt was failed.

If I was in her place I will kill that scoundrel. Her writings are realistic. She made me cry with her writings. I really underestimated and discouraged her many times. She proved me wrong.

I still don’t know the reason. Why she committed suicide?

I want to talk with her mother.

Love can’t be fade out easily. She is still crying for her daughter.

He: why she committed for suicide?

Mother: because of men.

He: what? Are you serious!

Her mother started crying loud and said “bloody men always need an extra lady in their life to satisfy them”.

I was really shocked. The words what her mother said are exactly the same in that book.

“Before she died, she told me everything we did a big mistake of not understanding her silence”. She said.

He: what?

Her mother: my daughter is great writer. She wrote a book and published without my permission and that night she revealed everything about her writings and pain she faced in her life.

He stared crying remembering her memories.

And yes, she wrote that book to tell how much pain she carried in her life.

I thought that she was a feminist. So, she wrote this book about women.

But, I never expected that she faced all this shit in her life.

I don't want this female body,

I don't need this female life,

I don't wish to be a girl again.

She suffered, she cried, she faced a lot.

And finally,

Her life was left like a story in her book.

Though some lines of her book is here,

It’s just a part of her life.

“I miss that smile, I miss her love, I miss her everything.”

There was a saying in English that “only stretch her wild for making babies but, not for satisfying your Self.”

I’m sure that rights of she are written by men, for men and from men.

I’m bold, enough to write so vulgar writings. But, let me tell you one thing. Only a lady who already experienced the pain what I wrote will know the exact feeling and this won’t be a bold writing for them.

I never expected this day will be my last day.

I kept that admission letter on my table. I closed the curtains of my window and changed my dress.

On my writing table there are three things for me to kill this body. I want to experience more pain so that I can leave this body and make my soul happy in peace.

One - Rope to hang myself, two - poison and three - there is nothing here,

I opted for the third one. Sorry, the third one is about this book. I want to recall all the pain what I have faced in my life and I want to write a book and this one gives me the actual pain and with this book I want to show that middle finger to all the men who took advantage of my silence.

I started writing wild. So that people can understand how hard for a girl to live in this society.

They took me wrong for my admission.

Daddy: hello! How are you?

Me: I’m fine. What about you papa?

Daddy: I’m good. Ok, listen. Tomorrow meet my friend. he is the dean for the medical college which you are mostly interested to join . He will take up a general interview and your seat will be confirmed. Just now I spoke everything with him about you.

Me: hmm, Ok papa. I’ll meet him tomorrow.

Daddy: are you happy now?

Me: yes papa, I’m happy ( controlling her tears )

Daddy: take care, bye.

Me: bye!

Whatever happened is happened. I don’t want to remember anything. So, let me focus on my studies, complete my MS and make my parents happy. It’s enough for me. With that happy face I went to meet my father’s friend for taking my admission.

The next day,

I was standing out of the door, I knocked the door for more than 2 to 3 times. But, none of them responded for me. I opened the door and went inside. I saw him watching porn. I was shocked that his age was above 40 and still he is watching porn that too in college. I came out and closed the door. He called me to come inside.

Dean: how are you?

Me: I'm… ( I’m not interested to talk with such a bitch. I gave my file. He saw my father’s name)

Dean: oh! So, you are my friends daughter.

Me: yes! Sir.

Dean: come and stand in front of me.

Me: why sir?

Dean: do what I say? No return questions. Ok!

( when I was standing in front of him, he is trying to hold my hand but, I'm trying to go back. But, he pulled me towards him. He said “you look so beautiful, like your mom. She is also beautiful when she was young. Of course, she is beautiful now.” I was standing quite in front of him. )

Dean: you too look beautiful. And ok coming to the point. I’ll give you admission in my college. For that you should do me a favour for me.

Me: what?

Dean: I want to taste you totally and i promise this will be in between us. Let's drive smooth and leave here.

Me: excuse me? I’m your Friends daughter and this is the way you behave with me. You motherfucker, if you are much interested then do this with your daughter and stretch how much you can but, don't dare to talk with me like that again.

I showed my middle finger and about to come out. At that time,

He closed the door and forced me so hard.

I'm trying to get out. But, he opened my dress and he forced me physically. I was helpless. He pushed all the items on his table and lifted me up on the table and…

And…. This words I really can't mention how hard the situation is..

That day he stretched me wild for sex and killed my virginity.

He don’t have any values and that day I decided that I don’t belong to this place. I was hesitated to be in this body & I want to get out of this body and take peace.

In every stage of her life. People may change. But, everyone are the same.

She don’t want this female body,

She don’t want this female life,

She don’t wish to be a girl again.

She don’t need any mercy from people.

And she is going to use all the three to kill herself.

She started drinking that poison and hanged with that rope.

So that, this time her attempt would not fail.

And yes, it would not fail.

Let my soul to rest in peace. I don’t want my parents and friends to cry for me. Because, I won’t be there to wipe out their tears.

And this is SHE.

THERE IS NOTHING IN HER LIFE EXCEPT PAIN.

For she, from she, to she and everything in this book is me. A HELPLESS SHE.

- Written by SHE

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS BOOK.

He closed that book and started crying hard banging himself.

He was standing in front of her photo and said that “I’m sorry, I may be a successful in being a son, being a brother, being a husband. But, being a father I have failed”.

And yes, the person who was reading that book is the father of SHE.

And just because of his friend he lost his daughter.

Just tears and some hard pain in his broken heart, an unknown fire in his eyes.

With that heavy emotions of pain and anger, just imagine how cruelly that father killed his friend.