Ink

I signed it. It is finished. I thought I wouldn’t have the nerve to make it happen but I did. It’s funny how you go back and back before making a definitive decision and yet you know that this is what you want.

I need to now abide by it. It said that I have thirty days to withdraw yet why would I after all my deliberations with family and friends. Some friends said that I was “Crazy” to do it. I think that’s because they were speaking about themselves more than me to resolve. My family had a hesitant agreement with me but that’s only because they know about my history of indecision.

Yet, I signed it. It is finished.

The word “permanent” came to me mind which made my mind turn too much. Permanent? You’ve got to be kidding! Me? Thirty-five years old and I haven’t done anything near that word in my life.

It’s not my problem. What’s permanent in our lives these days? A friend told me that the destruction of society was the invention of the Styrofoam cup. You’re able to throw it away after using. Once. So the domino-effect continues throughout our lives as though we have no control over them. Marriage? Give it a few years even I stated “for life” in front of a lot of people. Only if it’s the financially right for my husband and me. Cable? I think I’ve had and cancelled them all. And, do you think I’ll have a job like my father did for forty years? You already know that answer.

But today, I signed it. It is finished.

It’s not large but it’s able to give me space for my garden along with a small patio to entertain friends. I liked it the first and only time I saw it. It just felt right. It just felt like home. It just felt like me.

I signed it. At first, I want to use a pencil as though I could erase it as quickly as I wrote it. But then I thought, “No.” It needs to be signed in ink. Permanent. Lasting. Unending. I got to afford it and the apartment is now mine. Because it’s very difficult to erase ink.