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Suchismita Sahu

Inspirational

1.0  

Suchismita Sahu

Inspirational

Myself

Myself

6 mins
313


28-Apr-2019,

In a lazy morning of Sunday, after a long time, today I wanted to write something about myself. These days due to busy professional schedules, I was not able to write something which should come out directly from my heart. So I was missing myself a lot. I was not able to get connected with myself. This writing has helped me to know myself in a better way, I have accepted myself with all of my shortcomings and strengths. Really it took a long time to be of myself of what I ever wanted to be…, after coming out from a broken marriage. Any other girl, of my age might have recovered back very soon. Might have been to abroad and settled there in a second relationship, but I didn’t prefer to be. I took it in a different way. Born and brought up in a traditional and conservative family, my eyes were filled up with full of dreams, since my childhood. But, I had to follow a pre-defined life. The news of my decision of coming out from my marriage, had brought a shock for my family members, but I could never live my life, dying each moment. I was the only one to fight for my liberty. During those moments, I realised that I can only fight for myself not any other one. This is my journey to explore myself, so why to get help from others. Until and unless I don’t get connected with myself, I can never achieve this. I got suggestions from many peoples such that to consult with a consultant, who would help me to come out from depression, to do yoga and meditations, to look for another match and get married soon, as my biological clock of was ticking rapidly. No…I could not accept any suggestion….I didn’t go to consult a consultant because I felt why to seek advice from a person who was never in my situation, how could she give me right suggestions with feeling my pain, why to be dependent on some other person for my own personal reason…? I could not do Yoga and Meditations because my mind was not stable during that time. When I was completely broke down, I got strength by praying to the goddess and that was my only strength that time. Since my childhood, I always wanted to be of myself not for others. I was successful in my professional career and well settled in a metro city before marriage, but still something was missing in my life and I was always trying to get that. I became well recognised in various public speeches, where I used to explain the basic happiness of living a life in a very simple way. I started sharing the morals of lives in the form of many short stories. This gave me confidence that yes I have something beside than my professional recognition. Got involved in many social activities, saw the life from a very close manner, in different forms of relationships. I explored more on the little knowledge on astrology that I had gained during my childhood and got many unbelievable but true facts about life, the karma and future life. These four years I did never spent any additional effort in my professional career. I was spending my time only to know myself and I was enjoying each moment. By this time, it was almost two years passed post my divorce and my family members had already realised that my decision of breaking the relationship was hundred percent right. After this I got the full freedom to do anything in my life at the age of 34 years.


I realised that yes my life has started now… I must do a lot of things. My child hood aim to become an entrepreneur was gradually changing to become a social worker now. A true friend of many people who really need me. This needs lots of courage and the worst moment of my life should never break me out at any cost. Even though there were many ways for me to earn financial support, but I decided to get stick with my current organisation, as I had a stability there, which was much needed for me at that time to concentrate in activities what I liked. Due to my analysis and writing skills I started grabbing eyes of many senior professionals who belonged to my professional network, even though they belonged to outside of my organisation. Then I realised why I am not getting enough recognition in my current organisation, even though I am always a better performer than my peers. I doubled my efforts in office, but still no change…. It was my shyness that I never approach anyone to get something done for myself. That is my shyness or self respect… could not know what that was…might be shyness…but if the thing goes like this then I will never get success. None of my aim should go wasted in this life. I have to give my best to fulfil all those, as I was well aware that even though we want something and put our efforts in doing something, but we can never go beyond the wish of some unseen but the strongest force that is known as Destiny. After a long time I realised that the people who was close to the senior professional get recognised in an easy manner. I was never…I wanted not to be also. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to be recognised to be myself as per my knowledge and skills. By this time, I had received many marriage proposals from many prospects, but ‘No, marriage is not again in my life.’ They wanted me in their life as I had name, finance and beauty…but were they able to accept me completely…? Were they ready to give respect to my ideology that I maintained with me, which was growing strong day by day…?In the eyes of some ladies of the society I was a bad girl, because I separated from my ex-husband and now I got appreciated by males. Then my answer was ”Single woman should know how to take care of herself: Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, Socially and Financially, whose life becomes as beautiful as the most beautiful garden of the World. She has to become independent completely….the actual independence comes from being independent emotionally and mentally not financially. I am strong, because I know my weakness. I am beautiful, because I am aware of my flaws. I am fearless, because I learn to recognize illusion from real. I am wise, because I learn from my mistakes. I am a lover, because I have felt the hate. I can laugh, because I have known the sadness.” I was able to feel the presence of dominating male group, wherever I was going. Even though it was a question mark in my mind, that to what extent I will be able to achieve on my own, as there is a proverb in English: “if you want to go fast then go alone and if you want to go far, go with others…” I didn’t have any others for me. I was all for me. I always wanted to be alone because I was afraid that if I would be with someone to get some of my work done, then I would be always obliged with him or her and when the time comes I should have to do something for them which I really don’t want to do. That’s means it would become a compromise for me and I could never be independent emotionally.

My life is started now, I have to be alone and will achieve on my own …..this is me…myself.


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