Good Night

I sat there, staring at our picture. I missed you. I saw how, even in the photo, your face glowed and my eyes were stuck at your beautiful smile. I could not figure out where I went wrong, where I lost that smile of yours which only I could bring out of you. It was not long ago when I had fallen in love with you but when I had, it was consuming. I loved you with all of myself. Generous and selfless. I loved that I found everything I could ever ask for in you. But, now, sitting on the couch before the fire in the hearth, I finally realized that somehow, I was compromising on my happiness.

We used to talk the entire night, laugh and cry together, fights with you made my day. And eventually, it all stopped. You did not call as often now. You did not talk for as long now. You could not stay with me when I wanted you to. You had works to do. You always had to do something. You were always busy. I could not even complain anymore, because you always came up with reasons which seemed valid. How could I complain?

I would wait, the entire day, sometimes the entire night, waiting for you to fulfill your promise of ‘I’ll make it up to you.’ I kept hopes that I would get your time. I wouldn’t have to ask for it. I waited for my phone to ring. Waiting was the all I did. And while I waited, I finished all my other works. You had always been my priority, there was nothing more to me than to listen to your voice at the end of the day and thinking about how peaceful it would be if I could kiss you goodnight.

I still never complained. Because when I did again, I heard how you struggled to find the time you were giving me. This was such a small thing to get upset about after all. When I got upset, I shut it, hid it. Telling it to you would only piss you off because ‘don’t start with the drama. I’ve had enough for the day. Not from you too.’ So, I would hide the negative feelings in me, the real ones, and put on a mask, smiling and happy. Just to see you not so stressed.

I caught myself not telling you anything now because I got so used to talking to you in my head that when you called, I had already told you everything. And then you complained about how I had changed. You wanted me to talk and I had to. I wanted you to talk and you would be busy, sleepy, tired.

My phone rang on the side of the couch, reaching for it I picked it up. It was your call.

“Hey,” I said, with as much excitement as I could muster.

“Hey.” So cold. So uninterested, so tired.

“How was your day?”

“Good.” That’s all.

“What plans for tomorrow?”

“Show.”

That’s all?

“Nice.”

What else do I ask after what response I got, my love?

“Cool then. I am very tired, babe, I should go sleep. I have to wake up early tomorrow in the morning.”

“Okay then. Good night.”

“Good night. Love you,”

“I love you too.” I did. If only you meant it a much as I did too.

I did love you, enough to keep it all in, enough to not complain because you did not like it, enough to sound happy because you liked it when I was smiling all the time.

But then again, I also felt indifferent. I did not expect anymore. You taught me to be so patient that I did not need you anymore. I could live like this, in love with you, without you in my life.

That was exactly what I was doing right now.