Beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep. I was able to hear very quaint muffled up noises A similar one, nothing new to me. Engineers always have electronic practical sessions, don't they? But in this case, i was the guinea pig under test. There was nothing wrong with the ECG machine, problem in hand was that i had ended up in the ICU. Atheist in all terms, i still chose to look at my guardian angel for a final utter "Ma!". And that marked the end of the beeps..
Strangely, after what seemed to be a milli-second. I found myself in the middle of nowhere! There was no 'me'. There was no god and there was no demon! Neither was there a heaven nor the hell. But there was one thing for sure, and it was darkness. Nothingness! What had happened? What went wrong? What had i done? I had taken for granted every breath i took and now? I clearly didn't have a breath to spare. I was doomed! 25 and dead.
I was able to feel each inch of emptiness laugh at me, ridicule me and punish me. I deserved it! I deserved it for having lived incomplete! And it occurred to me right then and made me cringe! I just existed, i didn't live! Life is a celebration and i had been so stupid not to realize that! It was too late for i was hollow now. And with utter grievance, i started thinking about all that i had missed. And yet again, it killed me twice.
"Nakshatra, why don't you spend some time with me? Texting can wait. We rarely get to speak" Appa used to say.
"Shut up pa! Your advice is so boring." I'd get up and shoo him away to spend more time chatting with friends on facebook.
"Ma! Why don't you just give me some more? I can't even get a gucci bag for this money!" I'd throw her a look of disgust.
"Please give me a month beta. I can be able to afford it next month." She'd say. "I'm not feeling too well, can you get me a medicine from the pharmacy and make me some soup if you want to?"
"Shucks! I don't have time. My friends are already waiting." I'd put on my stilettos and leave for the party.
I started hating myself, every inch of me that was left. I hated it. Did friends on facebook help me when i got sick? For which sake! Would people remember me because i had a gucci bag? And the n number of guys who danced with me at the club? Would they even bother to spare a minute to take care of me? Who really cared? Mother and father! And all the while long, I'd been walking over them. And life for them was me! I wanted to kill the remains of my soul. Ashamed of myself.
And about me, no matter how much i had, i was complaining, cribbing and nagging all the time! I have never once been content with what i had! Selfish, impatient and negative! I wanted to create havoc and drama and watch as people cried. Little did i know that before you know it, life zooms past!
I was ready now! Ready for spending time with dad, to be his best friend. I was ready for hour long, week long and year long conversations.I was ready to always be there for my mom and take her to places and show her around the world. I was ready to take care of my parents with all that i could
and love them like never before. To love and be loved unconditionally!
I wanted to be positivity personified. I I understood that the whole world was inside of me, i wanted to be sunshine and happiness.I wanted to celebrate every little thing in life. A brilliant, wild, extraordinary life filled with adventure, passion and joy. I wanted my existence to be legendary! All i wanted was another chance to survive, a second chance.
But it was all over! I screamed, shouted, cried and wailed. I broke into a million pieces. And just then! A severe shock passed through me.An intense pain that tore me apart. A pain that i would cherish for eternity. An electric shock to my heart. I jostled hard, and to my utter surprise, i was back to life.
I was reborn as life itself! I would never be able to put in words how i felt. To have a beating heart, a lung that breathed, blood rushing through my veins and oxygen pumping into me. Life in real! My senses slowly came back to me. I opened my eyes to find my angel in front of me. "Ma" I uttered. Beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep. The ECG continued. Tears trickled down my cheeks. Feelings that can't be described because not everyone gets a second chance!