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Sharmistha Chatterjee

Comedy Others

3.9  

Sharmistha Chatterjee

Comedy Others

Fantomina And Miss Susie

Fantomina And Miss Susie

5 mins
354


“Fantomina, the cyclone is going to hit the coastal belts of Andhra Pradesh, Orissa and West Bengal, on Monday morning.” “The cyclone will be lashing with winds at a speed of 150-170 kmph”. Since Thursday, all news channels religiously made these words scroll the bottom of the T.V screens from left to right endlessly. Perhaps not happy with the anxiety it was already mounting in people’s minds, the warning was made grislier and stronger with the aids of figures, pie –charts and bar- graphs of every conceivable contour, colour and variety. Some popped in, some zoomed, some danced while others exploded. Red-lipped news readers chewed and munched the words with an air of conviction and satisfaction. Channels went into a war of words regarding the broadcast of most authentic news. Soon the popular radio channels followed their suit.


By Friday morning the Fantomina paranoia had gripped the people of the coastal states. The newspapers lined in and added fuel to the fire- Government warnings, possible preventive measures and the financial aid permissible in case you or your near ones die. Fantomina was like the femme-fatale whose arrival would like the magical lady in Keats’ poem wither the sedge by the lakeside and make all humans ‘alone and palely loitering’. Saturday morning brought in panic attacks with step by step progress of the deadly siren. The channels with all their might tried to capture the slow and deadly progress. The whats-app groups were buzzing with government circulars and cancelled programmes. Husbands called up their wives in Kolkata from Delhi and instructed, “Do not send the kid to school on Monday.” The wife completed the drama by responding, “How I miss you during these difficult times. How am I to manage with Babu all alone?” The poor, pampered wife cried in a way that cats would sneeze when being contracted with cold. “ Shut the doors and windows. Unplug electrical devices and call over your parents if you feel afraid!” , the dutiful husband advised. The Universities cancelled their exams and the offices decided on a half-day to their employees.


The stage was set. Supplementary pages in dailies had enough to last late till Sunday. Topics ranged from why do cyclones have female names, to a possible corresponding full page, a feast for the eyes of Bengali Babus with hottest models dressed up as cyclones! The better halves fumed with ire, eying tangent, the husband glued to the paper.


With Sunday arriving with unusual darkness, the India Meteorological Department could not have gone wrong. A tradition of past mistakes had compelled them to take alternative measures. Professor Panigrahi, the head scientist had announced to his comrades, “Colleagues we have to regain the lost faith of the citizens of our country. So we need to take urgent and fruitful measures. I have written to the Russian ministry. They are going to lend to us two of their finest scientists, primates Dr Right and Dr Exact. Two grown-up chimpanzees who were world famous in fatal weather forecasts and warnings.”


Dr Panigrahi was right. Since a couple of years, the weather behaved exactly opposite to the prediction made by the MET offices, leaving the office red-faced. The most advanced instruments had failed to salvage their honour. More importantly, Panigrahi had heard office goers laugh and say, “Oh! does the forecast for tomorrow say a sunny day? Then, Mr Bakshi, don’t forget your umbrella. It will definitely rain.” Dr Panigrahi had quickly rolled up the window shields of his car and whizzed off past the bus stand.    


This time with Dr Right and Dr Exact by their side, the entire Met Department was bubbling with confidence. For the past few months, not one prediction had gone wrong! The common people were humbled and awed. Mr Bakshi now carried a hat to the office with a prediction of a sunny day like an obedient schoolboy. Dr Right and Dr Exact had declared upon their arrival, “ We take up the challenge to make Indian weather forecasts to be world class.”


Empowered with the power of chimps, Mr Panigrahi had decided to organize a full-blown show off their new found strength. “These middle classes,” he thought, “would get an outright slap on their cheeks! How dare they taunt us left and right!” he fumed. The office had roped in the media and the government for the past week.


On Sunday morning with the deep dark clouds in the horizon and the wind gaining pace, Mr Panigrahi chuckled, “Now wait and see who is right, Dr Right or you, the dirty, ill-read, middle class!” Dr Right sat beside him watching on the screen the catastrophe about to occur. The drizzle began as well as the hollow laughter of Dr Panigrahi which ascended the ceiling.


“But what is this, what is happening?”, Panigrahi cried aloud to Dr.Right. “ There is a faint light of the sun beginning to beat the clouds”. The Head froze in his seat with dilated eyes. He could not believe his plan going awry. By 11.00 a.m the darkness and drizzle gave way to a beautifully sunlit day, though the winds were still quite strong. The Calcuttans enjoyed another cup of raw tea in the cool weather and chatted their heads off over the sudden change of events and fortunes. The children of wayside ‘bastis’ came out to play. The traders in tin-shacks, raincoats, rubber boots and tarpaulin sheets struck their foreheads at the shattering hopes. They had hoarded their godowns with extras for these bad days. Dr Panigrahi ordered a probe into the debacle and left the office huffing and puffing in anger.


The committee submitted its report a week later. It was found that Dr Right and Dr Exact had throughout the week before the arrival of Fantomina, flirted with Miss Susie, the irresistibly attractive young girl, who was appointed a secretary to Dr Panigrahi. So engrossed were they, that the calculations went awry as the cyclone reached Orissa. While it had planned to return to the Bay of Bengal, the chimps instead tried to push it into West Bengal. The further report said that while Dr Exact was writing the predictions, Susie held his hand and giggled continuously.


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