The Darkness In My Soul

I cannot sleep; I am unable to wake,

A tortured soul: fragile as a snow flake.

Where am I? I am so lost.

Persisting a life with mental illness has such an agonising cost.

It is impossible to run, and futile to hide,

From this desolate misery, that's buried deep inside.

No desired impetus, concentration, remembrance or hope.

Unable to do anything, I just cannot cope.

I cry all day long, pace in darkness to gaze at the stars,

And just like me, they are in darkness and so far.

I miss my passion for life, feeling so inept and helpless.

I feel like I am failing as a broken and chaotic mess.

Angered and disillusioned towards my very self,

Self loathing at what I can't control: I know that I need help.

The thoughts in my head simply continue to race,

Too fast to be fathomable, therefore impossible keeping up with their pace.

These thoughts are so accelerated, they have completely disappeared.

I just want less confusion, and for things simply to be clear.

The suffering stretches as far as to physically hurt me deep inside.

I just want to die: please take me off this roller-coaster ride.

The pain is so unbearable that I want to end it all,

Because depression is a slippery slope onto which I always fall.

The monsters to be fought are not found under my bed;

They dwell within me, I feel I am already dead.

My body is exhausted, yet my head will not rest.

I struggle every minute and I try my very best.

I battle every single moment of every single day,

And to the Lord every night, I still thankfully pray.

I miss the euphoria, self destructive as it may be.

Delusional ignorant bliss is peace, as without insight I cannot see.

I miss the creativity in which I can rule the world,

However, now all I do is lie in bed covered up and curled.

I do not want pity, stigma, unfathomability or fear.

All I ask is for this depression to completely disappear.

Do not underestimate my strength buried deep.

I am not beaten, no matter how much I may weep.

I know that there is light and I will become myself again,

For I am not crazy, yet nor am I sane.

I am not my mental illness, I have feelings too,

So remember love and compassion, as I'm human just like you.