Tug Of War

The heart is struggling out of conflicting confusion, it is dazed
In its contradictions, to let him know or let him not.
He came in like the breeze that soothes you on a warm summer’s day,
All smiles, clever sayings and that cute flirty look that disarmed me.

Every word that chimed in my ears, a melody to be lost in eternally 
His eyes spoke volumes louder than silence could ever dream of.
My lips could not help but twitch into a shy smile, every time
He made me feel like an honored princess. I owed him my happiness.

But an exhausting notorious war was waged too, every time I saw him
To let him see me or not. Will he run away if he sees my soul naked?

I wept in silence and screamed in agony, I wanted him to see.
All of me, my darkness that brought on the light that is blazing now,
My face when smudged with tears washing away my makeup,
My lies and truth and struggles and beliefs, me; all of me.

Is it too late, or too early to let the guard down? Should I?
Will he leave a trail on his way back, if he sees my demons and angels?

I am at war, with my heart, mind and soul; everything in me, tugging its weight
Aches to let him see, but not dare show. Will he love me any less if he knew?

There he is, with all his boyish charm intact, can he even begin to realize
That I can see through him and still have not run away, will he want to know?
Yes, an exhausting notorious war is waged every time I see him now,
want him to see and not run, see me naked, my soul my abode. Will he?

Here I stand, exhausted, dazed and utterly smitten with him, does he know?
That I was never scared of his demons, always adored his angels though he didn’t show.
Reluctant, today I peeled away my walls to show him what I am made of
Tired of the tug of war inside me, I wanted him to see; all of me.

Now as he walks away, in disgust or perhaps in stunning shock
A familiar ache takes over my heart, it’s broken again; but I wanted him to see
The truth beneath all that pretense, the face underneath all that concealment.
A tear revisits my eyes, reminding me of the last time he walked away

“But, I wanted him to know”, I mumble as pain drowns me, yet again.
Alas! “He was not yours to keep anyway”, consoles the heart
“But he would have stayed if you had not showed him”, blames the mind.
I sigh; the notorious tug of war is yet to be put to rest as I sob.

“If he wanted to leave, he should have done it before seeing
Thy bare abode, not my bare soul”. Lost in familiar pain
I still whisper his name in sleepless nights, in my prayers.
“I wanted him to see, not leave.” I ache.