The Hiccup

It all started that night...

"Rape is not a women's issue, it's about men who stop behaving like humans and start behaving like wild animals who have been hungry for years"

I am Kavya an 18-year-old girl suffering from PTSD [ Post-traumatic stress disorder ]. I live in a small town named Kochi near Kerala, we are 4 members of a family, my mother, my father and I have a younger brother [Present age 15]. My mother is a nursery school teacher, My father works in an IT company. We moved to Kerala a year back after my dad got a transfer from Mumbai. Before we moved to Kerala we used to live in Mumbai I grew up there for a major part of my life. Today I will be sharing my journey of how I battelled and how I am still battling PTSD. For many of you who don't know what is PTSD, it is the failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic experience. The condition may last for months or years, with triggers that can bring memories of the trauma.

For instance, in my case I was physically abused by my friend's father after having a sleepover party, I was 13 back then it was my friend's birthday, she had lost her mother due to Covid and her father got addicted to smoking and drinking. Her house is just 2 blocks away That night when I was falling asleep I was trying to recall how nicely the day had gone by I felt it was the best day of my life and my friend had fallen asleep by then. Later that night I started getting hiccups, I tried to control it because I was nyctophobic, I am afraid of darkness. I had no other option so I woke up and walked down the corridor with lots of courage. I found my friend's father sitting on the couch with a cigarette and a bottle of wine. Afraid of darkness and my hiccups not taking a name to stop, I had no other option but to ask him to help me with a glass of water. We walked towards the kitchen and when I stood there drinking water I felt his hand slowly run through my back, as if I was a Barbie doll he was trying to closely examine and before I could push him off he caught hold of my hands he lifted me and started walking towards his room. I cried so hard, scratching his back, kicking him but it was all of no use. He walked as if he felt no pain, sure because he was intoxicated. He had thrown me onto the bed, I was trying to push him off but what great power can a 14-year-old have after being totally exhausted. He was three times my age and he gave me one tight slap because I was screaming for help. He was being so brutal and at a point in time, I felt nothing. My body was numb I wasn't able to move. I guess by now you have a fair idea of what had happened to me, yes I was sexually assaulted. High on drinks, her father had not even gently touched me. He repeatedly hit me with a ruler so that I would shut up and follow his instructions. If I failed to he had blackmailed me that he would record me. So, Afraid I obeyed his instructions like a slave would to his king. We belong to the highest class in our society. Afraid of what may be the consequences of such a video comes out I had gone through the pain and trauma, with a finger on my lips. After he used me like rubbish and threw me out of his room. I slowly walked up to my friend's room and wrote a small note that I would meet her soon or maybe not. That was the last day I went to a friend's house. It had traumatized me so badly that I barely could not trust any friend of mine. I was not able to socialize with anyone leave alone females. It was terrifying for me to even trust any male who was nice to me, even a small pep talk would make me feel insecure. I started having trust issues with every person, starting from my home, and my relatives to the building I walked by to the school I studied in. I felt that was the end of my world but my parents realized it was not too late to get me helped by a counsellor. I was not ready to confide in her too. How can I trust a brand new person who I never met with? I was smitten by her sweet talks that were my first step in opening up. She performed a physical exam to check the symptoms of PTSD. Next, she did a psychological evaluation that included the signs and symptoms and the events that led to the trauma. Finally, she used the criteria of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), counsellor published by the American Psychiatry Association. For further treatment, the counsellor started with psychotherapy, the first therapy was cognitive therapy. It p was a talk therapy where she was trying to help me recognize the ways of thinking that were keeping me stuck. Combined with psychotherapy I was also treated with exposure therapy. In that therapy, I was made to save both situations and memories that I find frightening so that I can learn to cope with them effectively. To make the treatment more productive I was put in a virtual reality program that allowed me to re-enter the setting in which the trauma occurred. The next therapy combined with exposure therapy was Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). It was a series of guided eye movements that helped me process traumatic memories and change how I reacted to them. I remember the counsellor saying there are quite a few medications. But in my case, Prazosin was the best. Prazosin may reduce or suppress the nightmares. She also gave me anti-anxiety medications. It was for a short time, some anti-anxiety medications may have the potential for abuse and they can relieve severe anxiety and related problems. A few antidepressants the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) medications sertraline (Zoloft) and paroxetine (Paxil ) are approved by the food and drug administration (FDA) for PTSD treatment. Finally after having a few sessions not only at her clinic. But in different environments, making me feel comfortable and she pulled me out of PTSD.