The Dream of a Ridiculous Man in 21st Century (Part-4)

I am sick man. I mean mentally sick. Who is to blame for this? Allah? Society? Hahahha…Nobody but I am. Yes, I am to blame for my sickness. It is mental sickness. In entire world, I am the most slim and healthy man with 170cm height. I am proud of my athletic body. I hate to go to exercise and make 6 max. I see them as chicken from farm. TikTok generation are fond to this. I like to walk in mountains and keep my body fit. I walk fast and run fast. That’s how I am. You can call me narcissist but I do not care.

I wanted to tell the most secret thing that I never exposed but imam of central mosque came and started to talk about IIUM Zakat issue. I thought to write on these staffs and them again. I told you that PTSD that we poor students suffer. I will discuss in detail from both sides today. Not from only our selfish student side.

This is very important to me and you must listen weather you like it or not. I thought, as a Muslim, I am a poor student and if I deserve zakat according to 8 criteria of Quran, I will be given or I will be rejected. As simple as that. They took my documents like I took my parents financial income and took our chairman signature and had scan copy. I work part time to survive and I need still money for survival since education is super expensive nowadays. I took highest risk and thought I cannot continue next semester due to money. I also thought I am not a student in Malaysia rather I am a dirty worker. Somehow, I got partial scholarship. It means fee deduction and it was Malaysian tuition fee rate which is so low and day dream from international students in this university. I find it is still difficult to concentrate on studies while working part time. I saw other Malay friends too who worked at night and came to class. They are mentally unstable. I used to work 12 hours and came to class and I fall in sleep. One day I was in class and suddenly went out and entered down to staircase. I slept till the class is over. My lecturer was waiting and she said why not you work part time inside campus and apply for zakat. I feel shy to work inside campus. I do not want to show my friends that I work here. Not sure why but I had that feeling and it has been 10 years I never worked inside campus. Also, the money we get in campus is very less I used to think and it is not fixed. Like I had permanent parttime job and I used to make my schedule according to my plan and I got used to in my job place. It was in Pavilion, Bukit Bintang. I worked there in dining loft at 7th floor for 7 years. I saw less UIA students go there but if I see them, I just ran away. Not sure but I have that kind of mentality. Imam was talking about that particular lady in international division who take our interview. This lady needs to see psychiatrist at the first place because they treat all the needy students and think everyone is needy in this world. I said to imam that it is not my fault and I do not blame her. She works for years in same position and if I were there, I would be mentally unstable as well. That’s how her worldview shaped and she treats all students in rude manner. It is not her fault you see 80% application comes from Bangladeshi students and they think all are same. I went to Bukit Jalil and I saw 5000 are Bangladeshi workers out of 10k people and they do not abide rule easily. It is really difficult to control mass. It is not about racism rather it is about rule and regulation. A Bangladesh worker I found denied to give signature even in Bengali language saying he does not know how to write. I was so pissed off that day. This lady perhaps faces same shit for years. I know a Bangladeshi girl who received Zakat and said, ‘Brother. I worked in Bar as part time but they never treated such rudely that I got treated by these zakat staffs during interview.” I saw she erase her name with white marker so that nobody notices her name in billboard. She was eventually approved zakat. She graduated few years before but still got debt and could not get her certificate. She is working now. Sometimes I wonder the money we invest for degree, to get back this money it will take another 5 years. Most of them got moderate job. Not everyone can be minister. We show one role model and got money from masses. Not sure what would be the value of degree when AI is approaching. Look at UK or Australia. It is really expensive but what is the worth? What do they teach? Absolutely trash. They follow just book and summarize. That’s all a sem revolves. Education system must evolve after AI . This girl’s father was army and divorced her mother and she got one young brother and she needs to take all the challenges that life possessed her. She said to me once that I am not scared at animals but I am scared at humans (from sexual point of view she talked perhaps) I think this interview system should be abolished and give zakat based on papers and written document. If the student falls under category of Zakat, he or she should be given. Now the problem of investment. When they get money for students as donation or whatever means, they invest directly but my professor discussed in class saying these have to spend for students directly and new donation would come. At the end of the day, the amount of profit they do is nothing compared to money they get as a donation. I did not see the fact sheet obviously but that was my view.

I am coming to reveal the secret that I never informed to anyone. I wanted to keep inside my mind but today I am gonna write. This writing is not for you but rather this is release my stress out as psychologist suggests to write down thoughts that are disturbing to you. I was working in Tioman Island during that time. I got job as a kitchen helper there. I met a Malay girl named Aiysa…hahaha …it is pseudo name. I was not concerned about her. There was a Chinese girl as well. All are in 20s. So far I remember 2 Malay girls and 1 Chinese girl. Aiysa was decent actually and we boys liked her. A Pilipino, Christian boy and a Bangladeshi boy had a fight over this Aiysa during night after they are drunk. This is Aman Tioman resort in Kampung Paya. They worked under Bavarian. Aman Tioman got deal with Bavarian company for alcoholic Beverage recently. I was supposed to work under them but somehow I had to end up working in Kitchen and that was under Aman Tioman resort. Bangladeshi boy left after fighting and he said to me this Aiysa is a bitch and this Philippine boy is a bastard. This Bengali boy got 6 pax and body builder and same height as mine or maybe a bit taller. There was another body builder Bangladeshi dude came in to work. He also started to date with that Aiysa. I was working and suddenly Aiysa came to me one day and said , ‘ Bipu, do you love me?’ I am jocker there and everyone knows me and I said, ‘I do….hahaha’. My Malay friends were laughing at me looking at my reply. I was shocked to see an old Malay lady was smoking there and later I find this lady is a mother of Aiysa They worked together. Later, I found a gardener and he turned out to be a father of Aiysa. As I started to live, I find that this Malay old man got married to Aiysa’s mother when he came to live in Tioman and met her. Aiysa’s mother made friendship with me since she cooked inside kitchen and we smoke together. I called her aunty. She was super friendly and funny as well. She asked me to buy Winstone and we used to smoke next to sea when we had break. This old lady got surprised after knowing my background and told me that I should meet her husband tonight since he speaks good English and I met and talked with him and one of the Dato’ was sitting there who has share with Aman Tioman resort. Anyway, all young Malay, Bangladeshi, Chinese, Philippines, Myanmar or what not all drink alcohol there. I am not exceptional here. I do not want to be an ideal hero in post-normal world. Obviously, I am not regular one but I love to experience like Dostoevsky for my writing. One of my teachers gave this philosophy actually. This is how we students should learn even though it is dangerous. Shams asked to Rumi to buy Wine and people saw and thought Shams destroying Rumi’s life but Shams was teaching affirmation and negation for Tawhid that Ibn Arabi taught. That’s all I dream for. Now I asked new Bangladeshi body builder man,’ will you marry this Malay bitch girl if she agrees?’ He replied,’ yes’. I was so shocked. You know the girl character is not good and how the hell you would agree. Is it because you see business or to get IC? What for? One day doctor came and had blood test to see any STD and I said why is that for? One Malay girl said, ‘lots of illicit sexual activities among staffs we do not know.” Anyway, that Aiysa started to chat with me and when I became weak a bit emotionally perhaps , she said, ‘I have a boyfriend here’. My dream world was gone. hahaha. I was dreaming of marriage with Aiysa . Do not blame me ah. Young people all dream for marriage or maybe this is the trick to attack girls and that’s how they are emotionally attached. I realized that day marriage can be tool for fool girls not smart bitch girls. All they care is sex because they are used to with all the emotional drama shit. I was a jocker and nothing is serious anyway. I guess at 3:00 am at night that day I wake up and I saw that Philippine boy is not in room. Not sure I feel emotional breakdown…hahahaha. We live 6 persons in one room. I was up and he sleeps at down…Two story beds. This Philippine boy got ringworm in his whole body. All boys hate and avoid him as a consequence. It is so disgusting. He has wife and kids in Philippines. We all know this.. I went outside. CC cameras are there. I went to jetty and look for the man. Actually, I doubt that this boy is dating with that Aiysa . He was not Muslim and he is the dirtiest one. How the fuck Aiysa choose him. There were other Malay boys there to date. I was mentally religious racist due to her activity. Kind of weird feeling. There were number of handsome boys working there. Later I find that this is due to working closely. They worked together. That’s how extra marital affairs works in modern world. Anyway, I saw them before 6:00 am and they walked together to punch the card and I was walking just behind them exactly and Malay bitch and Philippine bastard were talking and laughing as if discussing me concern. This boy spent night in female hostel. Other malay girls lodge complaint later but that day I found out that. I walked and followed them since I need to punch the card as well. I met so many girls in life and it is normal to observe this but I was still curious to see this moment. When they both were kicked out of job due to CCTV footage and complaints from staffs, the issue was it seemed Aiysa was taking revenge on societal structure. At least, that’s how I thought.

Anyway, at night I finished my work and saw a Malay friend, Albab, sitting with guitar and one bottle of Vodka and whisky are there. I finished half bottle of raw vodka and everyone was staring at me saying,’ Bipu…are you crazy?’ I sat with Malay boy and asked him about his girlfriend. He said, ‘I want to live free life. I hate my family who wants to bind me with religious rituals. I had Malay girlfriend and I hate Malay girlfriend due to some behavioral concern. They are so protective and they want to control you from every corner. I have Chinese girlfriend now and he showed me and he said she came recently to meet with me. We sing together. I live free life. This Malay man work for snorkeling and he is good at swimming inside sea. I saw him bringing fish from down. So many coral reefs in Tioman. The most beautiful island I have ever seen in Malaysia. I hear there is another island in Sabah called Samporna. I took whisky later and I was still ok. I went to pee and I was normal and I took shower and slept. I smoke heavily these 3 months. Later, one day that Aiysa and Philippine noy were kicked off from job and I did chat with Aiysa after 5 months, I think. By the way, one interesting event, one day I went to my room and it was locked from inside and I went from back and entered because I got job after lunch break. I saw that Aiysa is lying down at Philippine’s bed and Pilipino was not there. She is alone in the room. She said, ‘ Bipu, you blocked me in what’s app and phone. I tried to contact with you so many times. I said, ‘sorry…I do not have time for that…. I naked myself obviously with underwear and had to wear working dress. It also to show her that my body got no ring worm and she lives dirty life and I do not have time to touch her body. Actually, she wanted me to kiss her at least but I did not bother with her and ignored her completely that day. I felt so happy when I was out and walking, not sure why. I thought she would get ring worm as well. Both are dirty piece of shits. After 5 months when I talked with her and she said,’ Bipu…we knew that you drink due to me that day. This is my fault. I am sorry. That Pilipino boy left me for Philippine as he had wife and kids there, but he promised me to get married. Marriage system is not easy here since he is Christian and some problem happened with immigration and he left. Now I got a baby sitter job and I got Malay boyfriend here’. I said, ‘come on! you know all you needed was sex and you got that and I think since you work with him as bartender. That’s reason he got the access to fuck you up. It is fine. I saw a Malay girl like you she worked with us and had boyfriend but later they worked in different place and they departed each other. She got new boyfriend now. This is Malaysian relationship. Those who got divorce in KL I saw them going night club after they finish their work or one time in a day. I was working Damansara and I saw group of Malay girl workers went to night club when they had off days. They went as a group. 40-year-old divorce lady said that I will have boyfriend with any country but not from Bangladesh. That’s why I think you refused all the Bangladeshi boys. It is social construct in Malaysia and I do not blame for that. Enjoy and make sure you fuck and enjoy as much as possible since life is once and you do not practice Islam.’. Later, I found another Malaysian girl came to work in kitchen and two workers approached her for relationship saying single. Most of them are married at their home country. The girl had new Philippine short boyfriend. Funny thing is that after few days of dating when he saw Aiysa and her Philippine boyfriend got kicked out. This short Philippine boy stopped having relationship with this Malay girl and started to have new relationship with Philippine married girl. Hahahaha….This Malay girl told me that his Philippine girl gets angry if she talks with that boy as a consequence they do not want to continue. She was so sympathizer to this boy since this Philippine boy was baby like and no visa. One trend with Malay girls are they like short doll type of boys so that they can control them. Hahahaha….so funny mentality I find at them….Not all obviously lah but I notice something like that. Also, they would try to avoid Bangladeshi workers no matter how handsome they are. This is cultural actually since they see all low classes jobs are done by Bangladeshi workers. Especially city girls are so much concerned because perhaps they need to tell their friend circle. There was viral TikTok where a Malay girl was asked, ‘Boyfriend Bangla ke? No then? Kelantan…Oh Kelantaan… Kelantanies are perhaps considered too linear and soft class Malay. I find no racism at Kelantanies people unless they grew up in city. City people are racist and they are aware of these but they try to avoid through education. Actually, most foreigners work at city. This is normal. I went to Penang by the way. Bus driver is smart enough and friendly. They spoke in English and really treated well. I mean not treating in general like KL drivers. If they see face like Bangladeshi, they think all are mass trash. When we see white people like in Zoo Negara we went volunteer program, it seemed we Asians become one starring a white beauty. hahahha…One day some exchange Australian students came and I noticed Malay girls as we considered them beautiful looked so ugly in the face of these white girls. I thought that’s how Allah made Jannat for us perhaps. I mean beyond our imagination but we are too rush to decide. We want only these not realizing lots of things beyond our imagination. Another problem I find beauty becomes normal when we start to talk with these girls. We see they talk normal stuffs as we do. I think this idealization happened due to not free mixing. I mean we are taught to not mix up with girls and they have so many problems that need to be solved but we religious boys do not talk with these girls due to halal and haram dichotomy. Not all white girls speak English. Everyone is scared at each other. That’s the funny experience I have ever get. We only realize these when we start talking. I met some Malay girls they are unattractive looking but when they start talking ideas. Their pronunciation was superb and ideas are worth listening. I mean only free mixing can unlock these secrets. The problem of beauty also I have noticed. If you stay a place for too long, you start liking surroundings. At least, 4 years of Malaysia, I never liked Malay girls. It is slowly process I start liking Malay girls over Bengali girls in my mind. I am not sure why this evolution works inside my brain. I had in my mind that Indian subcontinent girls are the best girls in the world but my mentality seems to change. Evolution is really complex shit.

I did not talk with Aiysa any longer. She disappeared from my sense. I do not feel emotional attachment anymore that I had in one night. That means no love feeling is permanent and it is possible to remove extreme emotional belongingness towards any particular individual. In Johor, my Indian Tamil friend from Tamil Nadu asked me to sleep with his Sri Lankan Tamil girlfriend. I said thank you and informed that that is not my ethics. He went to prostitute girls one day and he brought me to accompany him in Johor. He found a girl saying it is 80rm per shot. Two Bangladeshi workers were negotiating with her. I asked my Tamil friend is she expensive? He said, ‘Yes, because she is Malay’. Later, he went to a hotel and got an Indonesian girl and he paid less. Last time, he slept with this girl as he told but did not pay money. He said ‘Indonesians girls are super cheap here’. Later he told me that this Indonesian girl had job before covid and good salary. Her husband died and she got kids and she needs to take care of them and she made house in Indonesia and she wants to finish it and then she would return to her country. My friend was saying that he worked in Singapore for few years and he had girlfriends from Philippine , Indonesia and others.

I came and thought how we value ourselves. Malaysian girl is 80 and Indonesian girl is 50. That’s how we dignify our women in 21st century. My friend one day said that feminists are those whom nobody cares. They are neglected by boys since they look unattractive and fatty. They are dick hungry girls for months or years since they are not married. This is the root cause of feminism movement That means only fatty and ugly girls go for feminist movement? My friend said,’ Yes’. I read an article written by Taslim Nasrin saying how porn is great for society’s mental stability to reduce crime. Zakir Naek recently made musturbation Makruh saying views of other Muslim scholars like some say halal, some say makruh, some say haram. Why not porn video making halal? UIA did not ban porn websites before ramadan and after ramadan all porn websites are ban. One day we were talking and one friend was saying the most watched porn videos are from female hostels according to survey. The discussion was in back then 2017, not sure what is the current status? That means we promote Porn for upcoming young Muslim youth generation instead of night clubs and marriage. That’s how we promote our Muslim Ummah. Two Palestine students (Arab I am not sure but I guessed) from Celpad were walking with half pants and having vape. I went with one of my Palestine friends. It was near KLCC. My friend started to talk with them. I thought they are tourists. Later he informed they are UIA students. I said,’ let them enjoy’. He said, ‘They can’t do this in their country’. I said,’ that’s why you must nurture these young generation to enjoy. Sex is taboo, enjoyment is taboo. As if Islam came to give suffering. They are too young. They have life too. Let them enjoy and say sorry after the age of 40s. They do not do shirk man. Withdraw your fucking jealous mentality. We old leaders are too jealous at young generation. Let them enjoy and explore the world. Israeli boys do enjoy why not Palestine boys. Malaysia is only country where we Muslims got freedom for enjoyment. Malay Muslim girls are those who get more independence among Muslims girls. All we need to do is free their mentality from hypocritical mentality by the name of Islam’. What the fuck are you saying? My friend asked. I said, “hahaha…not sure but I have view of sexual freedom like Bartered Russel wanted for university students. We both laughed and started to see night life in Changkat and Jalan Alor Bukit Bintang. We both walked there. I showed all the bars and nightclubs and said this is the liveliest place in Kuala Lumpur. He has been to Jalan Alor but this part he never visited. Zouk and Trec you can explore. That is another best place to explore for young students. You come to Malaysia and you did not visit night life here, you would not get taste of West. I think even in west they do not get some lively experience that you get in Kuala Lumpur. I love Bukit Bintang. I used to work in Weekend and meet so many people. Sardar gave post-modern world in his book by giving example of Bukit Bintang as integrational society. Promote and celebrate this civilization. What a best positivist way to forget religion and pessimism which has no existence in post-normal world apart from pragmatic approach.