Read a tale of endurance, will & a daring fight against Covid. Click here for "The Stalwarts" by Soni Shalini.
Read a tale of endurance, will & a daring fight against Covid. Click here for "The Stalwarts" by Soni Shalini.

Bharath Kumar

Comedy Drama Others

4  

Bharath Kumar

Comedy Drama Others

Doctor Comedy

Doctor Comedy

11 mins
527


Doctor Comedy

Rohan possessed a fake MBBS certificate. He opened up a new clinic and set up a board outside that read “Doctor Comedy Clinic - any disease will be cured.” Rani, his spouse, worked as a nurse in the clinic.


Scene 1:

A scorching sun lashed the streets of Bengaluru with its ruthless heat. With no patients to attend, Rohan was seen snoring in the chair with his mouth opened. Rani was cackling, looking at a comedy scene on her phone. A mosquito that was buzzing freely inside the clinic got attracted to the darkness held by the doctor’s mouth. In a matter of seconds, it entered Rohan’s mouth, and the latter shut his mouth, killing the insect. A man came running to his hospital.

“I swallowed cockroach,” he said. “Please do something.”

Rohan’s pale face transformed into surprise, looking at his first patient. “Why did you swallow cockroach? Did it hurt you?”

“It didn’t let me sleep last night. I picked it and swallowed to escape from its wrath.”

“Please have these pills,” Rohan dropped a few pills on the table. 

“How these pills can help me?”

“Swallow it,” Rohan said.

“What the hell? These are used to kill cockroaches. Why should I swallow it?”

“To kill the cockroach in your stomach”

“What the hell?”


Scene 2:

Rohan drummed his fingers over the table as his wife was dancing in front of him. He rose from his chair and joined her. Both of them turned the clinic into a dancing playground. A girl stepped inside the clinic and was surprised to see the doctors in a dancing mood. 

“May I come in?” she asked.

“Yes, of course!” Rohan replied.

“I am running a fever.”

“You have come to the right place at the right time,” Rohan giggled.

“Do you have a solution to my problem? My body temperature is surging.”

“I have a solution to your problem,” Rohan went inside a room and came out with a bucket of ice-cold water.

He poured the ice-cold water over his patient. She stood like a robot with her body freezing. Her Spex plopped over her nose. She shivered with cold clinging to her skin.

“What the hell did you do?”

“Your body temperature will dip now,” he smiled. “This is advanced medication to cure fever.”


Scene 3:

Rani was all praise for her husband for his creativity in curing the regular diseases. Rohan pretended to be reading a doctor’s book just to grab his wife’s attention. A girl looked at the hospital board. She thought the doctor will use his comedy methods to treat her. She got excited and strode in.

“Hey, Doctor Comedy!”

Rohan dropped his book and scrambled to his feet. “How may I help you?”

“I am excited to know what comedy treatment is in store for me.”

“I have worked five years in the United States of America and won innumerable awards,” he bluffed. “I can cure your ailment with a snap of a finger.”

“I am so blessed to get treatment from you. I have got a cold.”

“Oh, I thought you will hurl a challenge at me, but this is so simple,” he said. “Please get up.”

Rohan hugged her.

“You bloody pervert,” she fumed. “Aren’t you ashamed to hug a girl without her permission?”

“Cool down! I am trying to warm your cool body.”

“My husband is a gentleman. He did not intend to offend you,” Rani said.

“Please have a seat,” he motioned his patient to sit over a special chair.

As soon as the girl occupied the chair, he nudged a machine to her back. The girl convulsed for a second and screamed at top of her lungs.

“Why are you giving me shock treatment?”

“To rest your cold in peace.”


Scene 4:

On the order of her husband, Rani cleaned the clinic and sprayed deodorant to ensure patients would have a great time in the clinic. Sun disappeared behind clouds and the nature forecasted rain. Rohan mused over creative methods to get rid of ailments. A married man widened his eyes, looking at the blood seeping through his wound endlessly. His gaze set on the hospital. Without thinking twice, he strode inside.

“I am losing blood.”

“I will give you food,” Rohan replied.

“It’s not a time to do comedy, Doctor Comedy.”

“I did a lot of research last night on your problem. I have also come up with advanced treatment.”

“Please give that treatment right now,” hopes brewed on his face.

Rohan crouched beside his legs. “Never lose hope in life. There is a solution for every problem.”

Rohan brought his face close to the wound. He began slurping his blood vigorously, much to the confusion of his patient.

“Why are you drinking my blood?” he asked in surprise.

“There is a logic for this magic. If I consume all your blood, then the blood flow permanently stops.”

“Have you gone nuts? Are you going to kill me?” he pushed the doctor aside and ran for his life.

“I use advanced techniques, but people’s behavior is rudimentary,” Rohan said. “I don’t know when they will learn to adapt to the advanced treatments.”


Scene 5:

Clouds collided with each other, and the impact allowed the rain to pour over the city. Rainwater acted as a camouflage to cover the potholes. The slushy roads made the commute nightmare for the commuters. A plethora of umbrellas hit the road to protect humans from the lashing rain.

“Rain, rain go away. Come again another day. Doctor Comedy wants to play with his patients,” Rani hummed.

A college-going student gave an entry to the clinic. Rohan rushed to invite him in.

“Please have a seat,” Rohan acted as if the patient was his teacher.

“Are you a dermatologist as well?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah! I am a complete package. Dermatitis is also part of my package.”

“I respect people like you. Your service to the society is immense.”

“I have been serving society since I was born.”

“Oh, great! Can you look at my feet?” he pointed his finger at a skin allergy on his skin.

“What is that? It is persuading me to scratch it. Can you give me a treatment please?”

“Why not?” Rohan scanned the allergy. “This is skin eater.”

“I have never listened to that word.”

“It’s a new skin allergy which was first found in the USA. I was the first doctor in the world to coin the phrase.”

“You are a legend.”

“I spent days finding a remedy for this allergy.”

“It would be helpful if you could help me out of this trouble.”

“Sure!” 

Rohan walked towards the table, picked up some contaminated food, and thrust it into his mouth. Then, he rushed towards the patient, bent his body, and vomited over his allergy.

“What did you do?” 

The juices in the patient’s tummy writhed with full force and almost they came out of his mouth, but he somehow controlled it.

“Do you know the mathematical concept which says, minus * minus = plus?” he asked. “Your skin allergy is negative and my vomit is negative. So, minus * minus is plus. Your allergy will get healed in no time.” he punched the air with his fist.


Scene 6:

Because of the mixup of rainwater and garbage, the streets had become a breeding ground for mosquitoes. Dengue and malaria became a common diseases owing to the domination of mosquitoes. Many were rushing to the hospitals to save themselves from the wrath of mosquitoes. A man came running to Rohan’s clinic. 

“My body is showing symptoms of malaria,” he said with a deep sense of foreboding.

“Dengue and malaria are common in monsoon season. You have come to the right clinic. Don’t worry.”

“Why are you called Doctor Comedy?”

“I believe in using comedy methods to treat my patients,” he replied. “I intend to make people laugh, not cry in pain.”

“Wow! I love your intention.”

“Mosquitoes brush their body in the garbage and then sip the blood of the human body.”

“I don’t know why they have targeted me.”

“Don’t worry! I have cured many ailments in my life.”

Rohan picked up Odomos from his drawer and handed it over to his patient.

“What should I do with this ointment?”

“Every morning and evening, apply this ointment to every part of your body.”

“This seems weird.”

“Yes, because this is my advanced treatment.”


Scene 7:

An old man came running to the hospital, clasping his hands on his stomach. His expression depicted the severe indigestion he was suffering from.

“Save me, Doctor Comedy,” he spoke despite being drained out.

“What happened, old man?” Rohan asked.

“Please cure my stomach ache.”

Rohan burst into laughter. “The way you came running to my clinic, I felt like you were about to die. You are a naughty, grandpa. Arent you?” he asked.

“Why am I getting a stomachache?”

“When you are jealous of others’ success, your stomach juices will absorb your negative feelings to develop a stomachache.”

“I am not jealous of anyone, Doctor Idiot.”

“I am not an idiot,” Rohan reddened his eyes.

“Please come up with something,” he pleaded.

Rohan gestured him to lie on the bed. He asked the old man to remove his shirt. The old man nodded his head, following his instructions. Rohan brought a bucket of water and soap. He massaged the stomach with soap and poured some water.

“Why are you bathing me? I have taken a shower in the morning.”

“Your stomach has become dirty, which is the reason for this pain,” Rohan said. “Now, I am cleaning your stomach so everything will be alright.”

“Who in the hell made you a doctor?”

“I am made in heaven, not hell.”

“Are you crazy?”

“Why don’t you believe in sophisticated treatments?”


Scene 8:

Rohan believed he was the best doctor who had the knack of thinking out of the box. His companion took pride in being his wife, lauded his weird yet creative treatments. His innovative methods never lost steam. He celebrated his birthday with his wife by cutting a large cake. They celebrated together, thinking their achievements would reach the nook and corner of the world to make them global icons. A girl whose face was peppered with pimples came running to his clinic.

“I am a young girl who is ashamed of showing her face, even to her family,” she cried.

“Please don’t cry on my birthday,” he said. “What is your problem?”

“Can’t you see my face? My friends have a fresh and anti-pimple face. Why God scarred my face like this?” she continued to cry.

Rohan pointed his finger to the ceiling. “That God may have scarred your face but this God will blossom your face.”

“Are you serious?” the girl stopped crying.

“I will give you such a sophisticated treatment, your face will glow like a cake.”

“I can’t wait,” she said. “Please start the treatment.”

“Close your eyes and have a seat.”

The girl took the seat and closed her eyes in anticipation of seeing a clean face. Rohan picked up the cake and smashed it on her face. The startled girl fell from the chair, frightened. She looked at her face in the mirror. The pimples were licking the delicious cake.

“Are you kidding me?” she shouted.

“This is a sophisticated cake which can eat your pimples.”


Scene 9:

Covid ruled the country by creating fear in the minds of people. A little boy was strolling along the deserted streets of Bengaluru. Some dust squeezed into his nose and he couldn’t resist the urge to sneeze. The other guy screamed, “You have got corona.”

The boy believed his words to be true. All nasty thoughts dominated his mind to further reinforce his fears. He rushed to Rohan’s clinic.

“Corona attacked me,” he cried.

Rohan and Rani, who were busy swatting at the mosquitoes, quickly covered their face with a mask.

“Why did you let corona attack you?” Rohan asked.

“I may die,” he cried. “Please help me.”

“I have saved thousands of people from the corona.”

“Is it?”

“I use a technique called ‘Run Corona’ to scare the virus away from your body.”

“Wow! I think the entire world must adapt your technique.”

“Shall I experiment with you?”

“Why not?”

“Hey, corona! If you don’t go, I will use this technique to kill you.”

Rohan turned off the clinic light. Rasping sounds played out of his phone. He created a ghost atmosphere inside. In the dim light, he manifested his ghost face.

“Run corona! Run corona! Leave this little boy.”

The scary atmosphere triggered the little boy’s amygdala. He peed involuntarily in his pants before running away from the clinic.


Scene 10:

A married man sprinted from his home straight to the clinic. He looked exhausted as if he would collapse any moment. Rohan scanned his body from top to bottom.

“From where shall I help you?”

“Please help me with my heart. I have developed severe chest pain.”

“Oh, my God! Please pluck your heart and give it to me. I will quickly repair it.”

“Why are you doing comedy, Doctor Comedy?”

“Comedy is the only way to make my patient laugh.”

“I have a wife and two daughters. I am the only breadwinner in my family,” he said. “Are you a comedian or a doctor?”

“Don’t underestimate me. I am a cardio expert. I received an award from USA medical team.”

“This is not the time to praise yourself, Doctor.”

“Fine! I know you are jealous of my success. Please lie on the bed,” he motioned him towards the bed,

The patient lay on the bed with an onslaught of negative thoughts overwhelming him.

“Will I survive?” he asked in doubt.

“Have faith in me. I am God,” Rohan punched his chest like a boxer.

“Why are you hitting me?”

Rohan continued to punch his chest. “Your heart has chalked out a conspiracy to kill you. So, I will kill it to ensure you will never endure chest pain in your life.”

Clutching his chest, the patient ran away as fast as he could to save his heart.

“Why do these patients never accept my sophisticated treatments?” Rohan looked confused.


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