Staying In Domestic Violence

Why are you still there? Staying in a domestic violence relationship 

As October is coming to an end and it is National Domestic Violence month, I always write a lot about this subject, and of course, I want to say that just because the month is over doesn't mean domestic violence magically goes away. 

So many people always ask, why did you stay? So I wanted to write about some of the reasons why we stay.

It's really easy to say to someone "You should just leave or why do you put up with this?"

Believe me, it is definitely easier said than done. If it was that simple we wouldn't have a whole month just for this epidemic.

First of all, it doesn't start all at once, you didn't meet him and right off the bat, he is abusive. No, the abusers are slick, they know their job and they are experts at it. They will wine and dine you, they will make you think you're the only woman in the world, they will say all the things you want to hear. They will be romantic, they will sweep you off your feet so much so, your head will be spinning and before you know it you're in love, deep in love with this person.

That is when they will start their game, little by little, one comment at a time. First, they will say that they don't like this friend or that one, but they will make it seem like they are doing it for your good. The reason being is that they love you and want to see the best for you. They will point out all the wrongs your family has done to you, how many times they put you down or fought with you, telling you that you are your own person and need to live your life without them. They want you to pull away from any support systems you have, they don't want anyone speaking things into your ears about them.

Then they will start making comments about your cooking or cleaning or the way you look and because you love them so much and want to please them, you will try to do better. You will kill yourself to always have a clean home or to look good or to wear what they like.

Then they will threaten to leave you when you have a fight, they will threaten to take your children away. This will tear you apart because you're in love, crazy in love with them and so you will do anything for them to stay.

In the beginning, when they say something or do something towards you, they will apologize, they will bring you flowers, gifts, profess their sorrow with sweet things you long to hear. They will say it will never happen again, that they didn't even remember what they said but are truly sorry for it. Even though their words cut you like a knife, you forgive them because you love them and want this to work.

Let me explain something here, they are buttering you up for the kill. After they know they got you where they want you...like when you gave up all your friends and family, or you have children together or you left your career to spend all your time doing everything for him and now you are truly dependent on him, that's when it's over.

Now he can say anything he wants to, he can verbally abuse you, he can and will slap the piss out of you and he knows you're not going anywhere. You are truly his prisoner even though your windows do not have bars on them, you are still his captive.

They will start to withhold love and affection, they will turn it around to make you think it's your fault and you'll end up apologizing for something you didn't even do. Yes, they know all the tricks, they are masters at the game.

He is now no longer your lover, he is now your captor, and your his prisoner just as sure as if you were in jail, except he doesn't need bars. No, he has beaten you down so much and for so long, little by little, that you're afraid to leave. The door can be wide open yet you are afraid that you can't make it without him, that you literally won't survive because he's programmed you to think this.

Now you may be thinking this only happens to poor women or uneducated women, again you're wrong as this can happen to anyone. I was a college-educated, middle-class woman with her own home and business before we met.

I was independent and outspoken and I never let any man get away with any kind of nonsense ever, yet here I was in this situation. I never in a million years thought I would be here.

Over the years as I've spoken out on this very subject, I've heard from thousands of women. These were professional women, Professors, Doctors, women with MBAs, intelligent, independent, street smart women from all walks of life, all economical backgrounds yet we were all sisters in this horrible life. We all fell for it, we were all taken in, we all should have known better but yet it happened to all of us. 

I am here to tell you it can happen to anyone. I am here to tell you to listen to your gut as all of these women said the same thing. They knew something was off, that they shouldn't get married, that they should leave but that their man was so charming, so sweet and they were so in love that it blinded their good judgment.

So today my friends remember these words, listen to your intuition and run, don't get sucked into their game.

And if you're in this situation now, trust me there is a life out there for you. You can do this, don't listen to him, that is his control speaking in your head. You can do this, you can have a life that you love, that is truly yours without having to walk on eggshells every day. A life of peace, of no fighting, no put-downs, of not trying to make someone happy who will never be happy. 

I cry almost every day now, not because I am lost or broken anymore but because I am free. I am grateful for everything I got, even if it's not what I used to have before, I know that it's mine and it didn't cost me, my soul.

Get help, go online, call the Domestic violence hotlines, there are plenty of us out there, who got out, who are willing to help you out.

Email me, I can give you numbers and people who can help.

This is my life mission and I can speak for the others that have been there as well, we will help you, we are sisters for life.

Don't stay in it one more second! Life is too short and your life is worth so much more than you think it is right now. Remember you are not alone!