Perfectly imperfect

Isabella Jordan 

Kalimpong 2013 

"I am okay," I said blankly to my therapist. She insists that I am not okay, which I am not. I never will be. 

I went through a traumatic experience that I don't think I will ever recover form. 

I have been coming to therapy every 2 weeks for 6 months. Ive only been doing it that long because I haven't made any progress. 

It's Mandatory that I come. This shit is not working though . 

I am here because of a situation that happened with my ex boyfriend. He mentally and physically abused me for years . 

It just got really bad one day. He came home mad as hell and he needed something to take his anger out on . Like always, I was that something. 

I was also 7 months pregnant. He hurt me so bad that I lost the baby. The baby that he wanted.

I tried to leave multiple times, but it was almost like he made it impossible. I was dumb, very dumb. He convinced me that he wouldn't do it again each time. 

He also threatened me each time I tried to leave . He would always say that he would find me and kill me if I didn't go back. So, like a fool, I went back. 

I don't even know if I want another man to touch me. I went through so much. I think about how some women went though and are getting through the same thing, I just wish I could help them all.  

"What you thinking about?" My therapist knocked me out of my thoughts. 

   " Nothing." 

She sighed and said,' Isabella , you have to talk to me. I am here for you. I know what you went through.' 

" Have you ever experienced something like that?" Do you know what that shit feel like?" 

I wasn't trying to be rude , it just kinda slipped out . 

" No I haven't." 

" So i don't think you know what I went through then. " 

" Can you talk to me so i do know ? " I'm trying to help you , Baby girl ." 

I didn't say anything else. 

I really just don't feel comfortable talking to a stranger about this. I need someone to relate to , someone's who's actually feels my pain . 

" Talk to me." 

" What do you want me to say ?" 

" How do you feel when you look in the mirror ?" " "Are you happy with your appearance?"

"Somewhat."

" What does that mean ? " 

" It means that I'm somewhat happy with my appearance. There are things about that reminds me of what he did to me . I hate those things, but I do think I'm beautiful . If that's what you're asking." 

I'm a bad bitch . Not on no cocky shit , but I'm cute as hell. 

" okay , how did you feel after the incident?" 

What type of damn question is that ?"

" horrible. Disgusted and worthless . I can't even really explain the pain i felt . " 

That relationship changed me . I can't even believe i went through something like that . 

"Please stop , Steven  , Please! It hurts. "

" Nah this is what happens when you talk to other niggas , Bitch ." He said as he got in my face . 

I could smell the liquor on his breath.He was drunk and mad . 

" I wasn't, Baby , I swear ." 

" You calling me a liar ? Huh?! "

That's what he was a liar and a cheater . 

" No Steven . I'm not calling you a liar ."  

" You just said you wasn't talking to no  n***** though i know you was. " 

" Claire please stop . it just hurts  so bad." 

He ignored what I said and repeatedly . 

" That bastard prolly ain't even  mine , " was all he said before he walked out of the room, leaving me on the floor. I was bleeding from what seemed like everywhere.

I tried to stand up, but it hurt so bad . I know im gonna loose my baby. 

I could hear him in the other room talking to his friends . Laughing and shit . How could he do that after beating the hell out of me ? 

Around 15 minutes passed. I tried to get up multiple times and on the last try , I was able to, I walked into the adjoined bathroom and looked in the mirror. 

I had a big gash on my lip and eyebrow , I had bruises everywhere , and I was cramping in my stomach. Along with bleeding from my private area. 

He walked into the bathroom. His eyes were filled with fake sincerity and he just looked at me . 

'I'm sorry,  Izzy,' he said scanning my body and everything he did to me. 

I didn't say anything. He does this all the time. 

"I'm so sorry, Baby . I won't do that to you no more ." 

"Steven, you're not sorry . You do this time and time again and you apologise each time , but you won't stop. You're not sorry . Beat my ass for saying it , but i know you're not sorry. " 

He just looked at me . 

" I can help you clean yourself up . Let me help you, Baby . I really am sorry." 

He lifted my shirt , showing my baby bump that formed . He proceeded to take it off and my other clothing. 

I didn't say anything. I just let him . He would always get angrier if i didn't let him help me . 

That life was a living hell. 

 I remember the pain of being told i was no longer pregnant like it was yesterday . I remember him beating me like a dog . 

The therapist,  well her name is Dr. Lama , passed me a tissue . I didn't even really realise i was crying. 

" It's okay  . We're gonna fix it , Okay ?" 

" Okay ." 

I left therapy feeling almost the same as I did when i came . I talked about the situation more this time. That's really the only progress that i made .

I don't feel like therapy can take away the pain I felt. I'm going to be damaged forever . 

" Hey, babe ," I said as i answered the phone from my best friend, Kohinoor. 

"Hey, how you doing?" 

"I'm doing fine . Like always." 

" Mhmm ....You wanna come out with me and some friends ? "

" Out to where ? If it's a club , I'm out . " 

It's not a club .  Just a hang out spot . We can just smoke or drink or chill . " 

I don't do either of those things . "

"You don't have to . You can just meet some new people and...you know just vibe. " 

" I got a lot of work to do at the shop ." 

" Can you do that later and just come ? For me ?"

I thought about it for a second. I'm not usually the type to go out . And that's anywhere . I try to stay at home as much as I can. 

I'm always a little paranoid about who i might run into . 

" I'll come . Only for like a hour because I do have work to do ." 

I'm a hairstylist , makeup artist , and lash tech . I have a salon and two stores that I sell beauty supplies and stuff from. 

I do a bit of modelling for brands . I did have to stop for awhile because of the abuse and stuff . I got back into around a month ago . 

I have a shoot at Taj in a couple of days. This stuff comes with a lot of traveling. 

I got some food before travelling to the address Kohinoor sent me . I got there and i knew what type of house it was . 

Janky style house with some amazing super cars on the outside.

I found somewhere to park and go out, locking my doors and walking up to the house. 

There were guys on the porch smoking and drinking out of a cup. They looked at me as I walked up to the house . 

I walked passed them and knocked on the door . I heard . " Come in ." So I opened the door and went in . 

Kohinoor gave me a hug and I found somewhere to sit . 

" Gurl, let me introduce you to everybody . Y'all this is my best friend , Isabella but everybody calls her Izzy . Izzy this is my new boyfriend , Shawn . That's fats and Travis. 

They all looked up from their phone and waved. 

" Wait, i saw you somewhere ," Fats said . " 

Ummm.... okay. 

" Where ?"I asked . 

" I  think it was Instagram . You was on my explore page or some shit . You famous or something? 

I got a lot of followers on instagram and stuff , but don't consider myself famous . At all. 

" Nope . Not at all." 

" Mmmm."

I got on my phone to pass time . To be completely honest , I was really ready to leave . I'm just uncomfortable around people . And that's weird because of the life i live.

I'm constantly around people and communicating with people , but as soon as I gotta hang out with people I don't know, I get so uncomfortable . 

" Aye , you wanna hit this ?" Some guy asked . 

I forgot his name . 

" No I don't smoke ." 

" Oh i figured." 

Then somebody busted through the day . It was a tall lightskinned dude . 

" Ralph , what the hell is wrong with you ?" Fats asked in an annoyed tone . He must be with the bullshit all the time. 

" Mannn, I just got chased by three pitbulls. They was big as hell on my mama. I thought I was gonna die . 

I know you ain't scared of no damn pitbulls , Kohinoor said . He looks one of those people who are always annoyed. 

"No lovie , I was just scared when they were chasing me ."

He sat down on the couch beside me . 

" Wassup . My name Ralph ," he said to me , just smiling from ear to ear . 

" Hey .My name is Izzy ." 

" Oh okay." 

I let some more time pass . It wasn't that bad talking to them and stuff . I got clients and stuff so I gotta go . 

" Alright , y'all I'm about to head out . " I stood up grabbing my purse . 

" No doll don't leave yet." 

" I have clients and stuff . It was nice meeting everybody though . Love you , koh. 

"Love you ,too," she said as she gave me a hug before I walked out the door . 

I went back to my car and got in . I played " Truly Madly deeply " by Savage garden before I pulled off.

I stopped by Smart point  to get some more snacks  for my shop and more organisers and stuff . 

I had to hurry up and get to my shop so I could do a regular clients hair . She wanted a Barbie ponytail with a swoop. 

I love Barbie ponytails. I wanna be a Barbie ponytail. 

I took a deep breath and lost in thoughts realising that i need to live my life and on the contrary with my  firm decision i decided to put forward a divorce . 

                       Chapter 2 

                  Ashwin Chettri 

I remember the date quite well 10.3. 2005 .  I was in kalimpong and my life changed drastically when i meet this one girl . Her smile was not that great but it touched my heart . Her looks were miserable but somewhere my black eye caught fancy to it . She was a complete nuisance but somewhat she entertained me . She was imperfectly perfect or the other way around.  I looked at our picture over the years and realised I  never knew what life was until she came. My words pushed people away. My days were spent talking about life as if it were some dead thing that interested me in only the most abstract way. I was just a shell filled with what others said. A sheep they could lead anywhere they wanted. I filled my head with lies. I could believe I wasn't lonely. I didn't love. She saw through my lies. I resisted when her hands tried to pull me back to life. I was incapable of love. I would just hurt her. Her lips kept asking, but I couldn't understand. ''No'' was the only word I knew. She kept asking. The first week I looked at myself. What did she see? My eyes were the same dull colour. I could still hear her words. Why did she love me? My heart jumped. I wanted to know. Her face was lost as I said "Yes".

As I sat in the back row with my arm around her (a movie copied from some half-remembered movie.) I could see what the couple on the screen saw in each other's eyes. I can still remember the moment when we said our goodbyes. The soft glow from the porch light.The way our lips fumbled together. Her eyes as they sparkled while she gradually drifted away. I could sell my soul to live this moment again. Her soft giggle will always haunt me. The world that greeted me the same one I'd lived in for seventeen years. Something had changed as I danced home. The world was softer. She thought of me to listen. I could feel what I tried to ignore my whole life. For the First time, I could talk of myself. My mind started racing. If she could care so deeply for me, what about others? My family. My friends. I began to give back the love I felt. I caught myself smiling the other day. I'll probably try it again. Before, I thought of love as some dead thing that would never affect me. My words would protect me. She helped topple my house of lies. I know what love is and I'm ready to give back the same love to her. My heart broke into pieces when I heard she drifted away. I wish I could tell her How much I Love her! But it's too late now, she's gone. She thought of me more than any book could. I never knew what life was until I met her but now she's someone else is bride . 

" Who is She ? '" Simmi asked . 

She's "Isabella ," My First love but now she's someone else is Wife ." 

" Continue Ashu .'" 

We had crossed paths once again in life's highway.

She looked deep into my eyes, not with a look of love or caring, but of guilt. "Who was she ?" I ask, trying to hold back my anger and hurt. "Some girl....you wouldn't know her,' 'he says calmly, as if not knowing her would lessen the blow. I try to look at her, but I find that all I can do is to focus on the floor and hope the tears swelling up in my eyes don't start pouring down. I can feel her slowly moving closer, and her hand rests on my shoulder to comfort me. I quickly shrug her hand away, not wanting the reassurance that everything will be okay. Everything will not be okay. I want to scream at her and tell her how hurt I am. I want her to feel the pain I'm feeling. I want her to tell me she lied, that she never really cheated, that it was all a sick joke. I could forgive her for a Joke, but not for this. I can no longer handle my emotions.Tears roll down my face and burn my cheeks. I begin to sob and sniffle, and my heart begins to hurt. I look up just long enough to see that she's also crying. Good, I think. Cry. Feel the pain. Hurt inside, just like me. We sit without talking what seems like an eternity , but is only a few minutes. We both are crying. "I'm sorry ''she mumbles over and over. ''I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you. l'm Sorry. I'm Sorry.''

Her apologies make me cry harder. I think of all the times she told me she loves me and how it all means nothing now.I think of her with another man, laughing and having fun. She finally leaves me to drown in my emotions. I wonder, Should I forgive her? Should I leave her? Will I be able to see her with another man, especially the one causing all this pain? What should I do? I know no matter what I do, it will never be the same. There will always be an empty feeling, like a hole in my heart. Now I understand what life is. I never knew what life was until I met her, leaving me with a hole in my heart.