My Last Note

I was lying rolled up in sheets, cuddled in the arms of my heartbeat- my wife. My Sara. Watching her sleep was the best part of my day. She looks so innocent and beautiful while she is asleep. Just like any other day, I fell asleep while watching my beloved sleeping.

The following morning brought the storm, which I never thought to occur even in my nightmares. I woke up and walked up to the mirror. I saw a scar on my forehead. I couldn’t recall how it got there as I was perfectly fine last night. But I let go of it. As I turned, I noticed that the lamp on my bedside table was lying in pieces on the floor and the closet was full of strayed clothes. I got the intuition that something bad or rather worst has happened. I walked out of my bedroom and called out to Sara. There was no response. I called again but there was again no response. I went down the staircase and saw that our kitchen was full of scattered glass and cutlery, and she was sitting at the dining table with my phone in hand and crying like hell.

She saw me coming towards her and stood up in a rush thrusting the chair backward. Her lovely eyes were welled up and I wasn’t able to see her in such a situation. Moving carefully through the broken glass, I walked up to her and hugged her. But she pushed me away. This was odd. She never did this whenever I used to hug her. I held up her hand and tried to get her out of the kitchen. She didn’t refuse this time but she wasn’t looking at me either. Her tears were still escaping her eyes, and she was sobbing trying to hold them back.

I led her to the loveseat, which we brought on our first valentine’s day as husband and wife. She hid her face in her hands and started to cry again. I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her. But she started hitting me on my chest. This time I hugged her a little more tightly to save myself. The situation started getting weirder. She has never hit me before even when we had bigger fights.

After almost an hour of consoling her, she finally stopped crying and showed me something on my phone. Seeing that I realized what a blunder I have made in my life. It was a text from the girl I was dating extra-maritally. The text read, “Sorry baby, can’t talk tonight. Love you.” At that moment I went totally blank about what should I do. Shall I apologize to my Sara or should I tell her why I did that and run away with the other girl? However, I considered the first option. I knelt in front of her. She was not able to make eye contact with me after what she found. But still, I kept begging her to forgive me.

She stood up and said, “I am sorry, Neil. I couldn’t become a good wife. I disappointed you and because of that you had to fall for someone else”. After that, she went inside our bedroom and locked it from the inside. I was left knelt there. Speechless and numb. I didn’t have the courage to talk to her. It was me who was not able to become a good husband and I disappointed her because of which she had to see such a day. Sinking into the guilt of my distraction and mistake, tears rolled down my eyes.

*

Sara came running to me and caught me in her embrace. I was crying so hard that I didn’t hear her coming. I don’t why but at that moment I felt an immense fear of losing her. I held her tightly and started apologizing. I must admit she has a great ability to calm me down every time I am stressed. This time also she did just the same. She told me that she is not mad at me. But why? How can she be still so nice? Her words flooded me with more guilt and I wasn’t able to control my tears.

“I forgive you, dear love. And I will be happy if you spend the rest of your life with her”, she told me as if I hadn’t done anything. But I knew what I did.

After a pause, she spoke again. “Neil, for the sake of our marriage can you please tell me how this happened?” Her tone was composed and calm. I couldn’t understand why she was not angry anymore and how can she forgive me. She shouldn’t. I cheated on her and ruined her life.

I held her hand and with great repent made eye contact with her. Then I told her the whole story. I was working as a software developer and data analyst in an IT company. One day, a gorgeous lady joined the company as a trainee and I was assigned as her guide. Her name was Ruhi. She had a training period of three months which meant that I had to guide her through her work for three consecutive months.

Within a few days of her joining, she started to feel easy with me. She began to approach me with middle school-level doubts to meet me and stay near me. And while I openly accepted her approach I didn’t realize when I started to feel things for her. Once, after work, she held my hand and led me to my car for a lift to her house. This seemed odd and good at the same time. When I reached her house, she pulled me inside as she lived alone. And I couldn’t refuse. She stopped me for a coffee. She went into the kitchen and brought two mugs filled with hot coffee. We were sitting only an inch away from each other. I felt something at that moment and planted a kiss on her lips. But I immediately regretted that and left for my house. That night I didn’t have dinner and went straight to bed.

The next day at the office, Ruhi came into my cabin and kissed me straight away. I had no time to react and I didn’t hold myself back. That kiss made me feel that my days of teenage are back. She locked the cabin from the inside and pulled off the curtains. She came and sat on my lap and told me that last night she was delighted to find that I felt the same way for her as she felt for me. She gave me the green light which I wish I should have never got. I told her that I am married but she waved that concern away by, “Your wife will never find out about us. She never comes here. We can spend our whole time together here and at home, you can talk to me after she falls asleep every day.”

From that day on, we started doing just as she said. As days passed, I started to get more confident in manipulating and cheating Sara. She never used to doubt me and never checked my phone. This made me continue what I was doing without any worry. My affair was working perfectly fine as we expected. But it is well said that wrong deeds never stay hidden.

“I am really sorry Sara. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I swear we never did anything more than kissing each other at times. I will accept whatever punishment you give me. And I promise I will resign from that job tomorrow and not meet Ruhi again”. I told her with guilt and regret visible in my eyes.

Sara held my face in her hands and kissed me on the forehead and said, “I will not punish you. I whole-heartedly forgive you and I know you mean whatever promise you made now. And I am not going to leave you because of any other woman”. How can she be so nice and calm after finding out about my deeds? We didn’t talk over that matter after that.

The day passed but the guilt never left me. Our conversations reduced after that day and we started losing eye contact. I was never able to meet her gaze again. Though she never lashed her anger out at me I knew how she was feeling. She was extremely sad and disappointed but she never brought up that discussion because she knew that I have realized my mistake and that I will change for the better.

I never talked to Ruhi again and blocked her contact. Also, as I promised Sara, I resigned from my job and am currently searching for a new one. Despite that, guilt kept haunting me in every moment of my life. I spoiled my marriage just for some outside fun. I was never able to live normally after that incident.

The burden has now become intolerable. I am forced by my emotions, mistakes, and guilt to take this step. I am standing on the balcony of my apartment on the 14th floor. Dear Sara, when you find this note, please try to forgive me for what I am doing today. When you will wake up, I will be no longer with you. I hope you will understand why I had to take such a step. I am truly sorry for whatever wrong I have done to you including this one. I know you are still with me but I don’t think I will ever be able to restore the harmony of our marriage. And all this burden is forcing me to take my life. You deserve someone better than me. Once again, I am really sorry. I failed you and our marital life.

Good bye, Sara. I will always love you and will remain alive in your thoughts and our lovely pictures and memories.