Letting Go (Chapter-36)

Jilliana

“Sorry it took me a minute to open the door,” Serena said to Jilliana, “I dropped the key and had to find it.”

Jilliana rushed through the opened door of the apartment building so quickly that she didn’t hear the unusual quiver in her sister’s voice when she spoke. The lamp above the first staircase had gone out, but Jilliana had been in the building enough times to not be fazed by the darkness as she approached the stairs. She hurried up the staircase, walked down the hall to Patrick’s apartment, and leaned beside the door with her arms crossed over her chest. Jilliana revelled in this moment of solitude while Patrick and Serena made their way quietly up the stairs, hoping to find the words necessary to finish the argument. But she couldn’t think clearly; her mind was clouded by the exhaustion from her night shift and the high of emotion and adrenaline from minutes before.

When Serena and Patrick were at the top of the stairs, Jilliana didn’t turn her eyes toward them until Patrick was beside her, unlocking the door. She immediately looked down at the floor and waited for both of them to enter the apartment before her.

“I’m tired,” Jilliana said after closing the door, “I’m going to bed. On the couch.”

Jilliana walked toward the couch and started removing the cushions, glancing up from the couch only when she heard Patrick walk down the hallway and into the bathroom to take a shower. She looked toward the kitchenette where Serena stood with her back turned, holding a teapot beneath the running faucet of the sink.

“It’s a little late for tea, don’t you think?” Jilliana spoke loudly to her sister from across the living room. When Serena didn’t respond, Jilliana stopped preparing the bed and watched as Serena turned on the stovetop, placed the teapot upon it, and retrieved a mug from the kitchen cabinet.

Jilliana placed two pillows on the bed and walked toward the dining room table, which stood between the living room and kitchen.

“Hey, I’m sorry for the phone call earlier,” Jilliana sat down at the table, “I was really emotional.”

Serena didn’t move or reply.

What’s her problem? Jilliana thought, What could she be pissed about?

“I wasn’t really flirting with him, with that guy at the bar I mean,” Jilliana said, feeling a sudden urge to defend herself in the same way she had with Patrick, “If that’s why you’re pissed at me.” She could feel a strong level of frustration rising in her chest as she stared at Serena, who hadn’t moved at all since pulling down the coffee mug.

“God, Serena,” Jilliana prepared to stand and approach her sister when the high-pitched whistle of the kettle pierced the air, causing Serena to reach forward, move it to a different burner, and turn to face Jilliana.

Jilliana felt her back tighten when she looked at her sister. Serena stood still, leaning against the kitchen counter with her hands clasped behind her back. Her hair was tousled on one side, and her cheeks were completely void of color.

“Sorry, Jills.” Serena smiled in a way that sent a new wave of worry through Jilliana. It was a smile that was too forced, too unnatural; a smile she had seen her sister put on years before, when she was being interviewed or photographed.

“I’m just tired from today,” she continued, “I’m kind of out of it.”

Serena looked down at the floor then back up at Jilliana. There was something wrong, not only in the way that her sister was smiling, but in the way that she was speaking. Despite the apparent exhaustion in Serena’s voice, her words sounded emotionless, almost robotic. Jilliana stood up from the table and took several steps toward her.

“Can I get you anything?” Jilliana observed Serena with a new intensity now, and noticed her sister move uneasily when she stepped closer.

“Yes, actually,” Serena said, widening her smile, “I could use a Band-Aid.”

Jilliana stopped mid-step and shook her head slightly, confused. “A… Band-Aid? What for?”

Jilliana watched her sister turned around again, lift the teapot, and pour water into the mug.

“I burned myself on the stove,” Serena placed the teapot back onto a burner, “by accident. Do you think you could get me one?”

“Um...yea…” Jilliana took a step toward the hallway, “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

She walked tentatively across the closed door of Patrick’s room and down the hallway to the bathroom, which was still steaming from the shower he had just finished taking.

Band-Aid, Band-Aid, Band-Aid, was all that Jilliana thought as she rummaged through the bathroom cabinet beneath the sink. The alarm she felt from seeing her sister act in such an odd way prevented any concise thoughts to enter her mind. Band-Aid, Band-Aid, Band---

“What are you looking for?”

“Shit!” Jilliana jumped slightly, “Pat, don’t scare me like that! God!”

She looked up at Patrick, who was standing half naked in the doorway wearing nothing but gym shorts, then turned back quickly to the cabinet.

“I just need a Band-Aid. And your crap is so disorganized that I can’t find a single thing.” Jilliana leaned into the cabinet and began to toss things out and onto the floor.

Patrick took one step into the bathroom, opened a drawer located above Jilliana’s head, and unceremoniously handed her an unopened box of Band-Aids.

Jilliana took the box swiftly and held it in her lap. She sat for a moment in silence, feeling Patrick lingering beside her.

“There’s… something wrong with Serena,” she finally said, nearly in a whisper so Serena wouldn’t hear. She looked up at Patrick then, not able to hide the worry in her voice, “like, something’s really wrong with her.”

Patrick glanced to his left toward the living room, then back to Jilliana and held out his hand.

“She’s probably exhausted, Jills. This week has taken a toll on her - let her be.”

Jilliana looked at his hand, but decided not to take it. They were still fighting, after all.

She pushed herself up and walked quickly into the living room to find Serena sitting at the table, staring forward, with one hand in her lap and the other on the mug.

“Here, Serena,” Jilliana placed the box on the table, “can I… get you anything else?”

She followed her sister’s gaze, which led her eyes to the small entryway of the apartment, then looked back at her.

“No...no, Jills. I’m good, thanks,” Serena’s eyes shifted toward Jilliana for a moment, “I’m just tired from today, don’t worry about me.”

“Serena,” Jilliana pulled out a chair and sat, “you need to tell me if something’s wrong. We need to be open with each other.”

“I know.”

Jilliana adjusted her chair slightly, “Then tell me what’s going on, please.”

She watched Serena look down at the box of Band-Aids, then up at her.

“There’s just a lot going on in my head right now,” her voice seemed more robotic than before, “and I’m tired.”

She’s keeping something from me, Jilliana thought, what would she need to hide?

Serena turned her eyes back to the entryway. She lifted the mug slowly to her lips and took a sip.

Jilliana leaned forward, “I know. There’s so much going on right now, it’s hard to keep things straight. But--” she reached beneath the table to hold the hand Serena had been keeping in her lap. “But we’re in this together--”

The moment Jilliana grazed her sister’s hand, Serena pushed herself quickly - almost violently - away from the table, causing Jilliana to jump back in her chair. Serena stood above Jilliana, glaring down at her in a way that made her shiver. There was nothing fake about her sister’s expression now, though Jilliana couldn’t discern whether there was anger or fear beneath it. When Serena spoke it was no louder than a whisper, but the intensity behind each word made Jilliana cower in her seat.

“Let’s make one thing clear. We are not in this together, Jilliana. We never have been. This is my problem. My responsibility. This has been my life for the last sixteen years, and I need you to understand that.” Serena took a few shallow breaths then continued, “When I tell you there’s nothing wrong, I need you to believe me. I need you to give me space. I need you to--” she looked down and took a longer, deeper breath, “I need you to stay away from me.”

Jilliana was confused at these words. Up until this moment, Serena had made it clear that they were safest only when they were together. I new sense of urgency arose in her now, which caused her to push her chair back and stand so she was level with Serena.

“Serena, I’m not ten years old anymore,” Jilliana could feel anger rising at these words, “stop talking down to me like I’m a child. You’ve always done that, ever since--ever since you were kidnapped.”

Serena had dropped her eyes to the floor the moment Jilliana stood, and was now slowly sitting back down into the chair, which infuriated Jilliana further. She walked around the table, stood right in front of Serena, and leaned forward before speaking again.

“And don’t you dare try and tell me this is your problem. I’ve been dealing with this my entire life too,” Jilliana placed both hands onto the table, “but did anyone ever ask how I was doing? No. They were too caught up in you and your fucking story to even look at me. You had excuses for everything,” she continued with a high-pitched, mocking tone, “Oh, Serena forgot to do the homework? That’s alright, she’s going through PTSD. Oh, Serena’s too tired to go to school? That’s alright, we’ll still give her a high school diploma.”

Though Serena’s eyes were still dropped, Jilliana could see that what she was saying was hurting her - but she didn’t stop.

“But me, I had no excuse. I was the fucked up, good-for-nothing, ungrateful child who barely made it through high school. And look at me now,” Jilliana stepped back, opened her arms to the sides, then let them drop, “I’m just as much a fuck up now as I was sixteen years ago.”

She took several shallow breaths, then one deep one. She waited for Serena to lift her eyes to hers, and when she did, Jilliana continued, “You know, sometimes I wish I were the one Edmond chose.”

Serena pushed her chair back and stood at these words. “Don’t you ever,” tears came to Serena’s eyes as she spoke, “ever say that again. Not. Ever.”

Jilliana could see color come to her sister’s cheeks now - a dark red color indicating an anger that rose in Serena’s voice as she continued.

“You have no idea what I went through. Don’t you dare say that your life at home was worse than what I lived through.”

“I’m not saying that!” Jilliana snapped, “I’m saying that everyone was so busy caring about you, that my life turned to complete shit!”

Jilliana turned away and stomped toward the kitchen.

“What, you’re just going to walk away?” Serena said in condescending tone.

“No,” Jilliana opened a drawer, “I need a fucking cigarette.”

Jilliana found an opened Camel pack and lighter near the back of the drawer. After lighting up, she looked toward the hallway, hoping to see Patrick standing there to offer some support.

He went to bed, that asshole, Jilliana thought after seeing an empty hallway. She took several puffs before turning around to face Serena, who had sat back down at the table and was looking down at her hands. She wanted to continue the argument, to make herself heard, to tell Serena every detail of her life that had been destroyed by the kidnapping. But as Jilliana looked at her sister, she was taken aback at how small she looked, sitting at the table, crouched over her cup of tea. Damn, Jilliana thought, I’ve never seen Serena look so… weak. She took two more puffs of her cigarette.

“Look, I’m sorry. Okay?” Jilliana walked to the table and stood beside the chair she was sitting in minutes earlier, “I’m really tired. Why don’t we just go to bed and talk in the morning?” She gestured to the couch, though Serena’s eyes were dropped too low to see it.

Serena sat completely still, except for the subtle rise and fall of her shoulders with every breath. Jilliana tried to think of something more to say, but when nothing came to her, she smoked her cigarette in silence until Serena finally spoke.

“I’m going to stay up for a bit,” her sister said, keeping her eyes down, “I’ll join you in bed in a minute.”

“Okay, fine. If that’s what you want.” Jilliana said, slightly annoyed that Serena didn’t offer an apology back. She walked around the table and to the couch where she finished her cigarette, took off her shoes, and lay down.

Jilliana didn’t sleep at first. She remained staring at the ceiling, adamant that she wouldn’t close her eyes until Serena joined her. But her exhaustion eventually took over, dragging her into a slumber so deep that she didn’t wake until hours later. And when the glare of the morning sun finally woke her, Jilliana sat up from the bed and turned quickly around to find an empty chair where her sister once was, and nothing on the table but an empty coffee mug and an opened box of Band-Aids.